Moh/bm responsibilities

You ask someone to be in your wedding to honor them as someone close to you. That's why their only responsibly as a member of the wedding party is to show up in the designated attire.

Anything else is extra. Yes, oftentimes the bridal party does DIY projects with the bride and plans pre-wedding events. But it's not their responsibility, nor is it a requirement. This isn't their wedding, it's yours. I will be thrilled if my MOH's decide to throw me a party, but I wouldn't be angry with them if they didn't. Not everyone has the funds or the time.

I wouldn’t say that traditionally it was their role to plan pre-parties. Bachelorette parties weren’t a thing more than a few decades ago and showers were typically very small affairs held in someone’s house with just some light snacks.

Technically the role of bridesmaids traditionally was to confuse evil spirits on who the bride was.

Anyway, for me, asking my girls was about honoring the place they’ve held in my life and having them stand by me during another huge milestone.

In my opinion, the issue isn’t with wanting your friends to plan pre-parties, but it is when people start to expect huge weekend destination bachelorette parties and lavish showers without consideration for their friends’ budgets.

I also think that people in the wedding party should do more than getting a certain outfit. I want to do bonding things with my girls like a bachelorette, but a staycation. There just needs to be more emphasis put on talking to your wedding party about what you’d like and what they can afford/do with time. I was asked to be a bridesmaid this past summer and I was kinda bummed.. we went dress shopping and set up the day before ans that was it. When I accepted the role I expected to help

I think part of it is that many who are in the wedding party don't even live in the same town. My MOH is an hour and a half drive away from me. She works and has her own stuff going on too, so I in no way expect her to drop stuff. She didn't expect me to when she got married this year. My other 2 bridesmaids live about 3 hours away from me, so again I don't expect them to do much for the wedding. Plus I have my FH to help me out and surprisingly he has been super helpful with any wedding stuff; I also have my mom who is helping me out with any DIYs.

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Side note, I love your pic.. SOA and I know the scene

I actually think the role expectations have become bigger than they used to be. I was maid of honor 3 times in a 6 month span and I was planning extravagant bachelorettes and large showers. Multiple people that are a decade or two older than me kept telling me they couldn’t believe it, that when they were MOH in the 80s and 90s all they did was show up to the church and fix the brides train. I hired a wedding planner because I knew all my girls have lives and didn’t expect them to help plan a wedding that wasn’t their own. My MOHs threw me a shower and a low key bachelorette which was extremely generous of them. I just wanted all 10 of my bridesmaids to enjoy the wedding and know how much their friendship meant to me over the years.

Their original role was to stand up for the bride and support their marriage. Since then it has grown into a lot more. I don’t think someone should be expected to throw parties, etc., especially if they live out of town and it requires travel.

Maybe it's a cultural and/or regional thing. I remember when I was growing up, MOH was a big responsibility, because you were the bride's right hand, so to speak. The MOH helped plan, helped the bride with whatever choices needed to be made (flowers, colors, BM attire) in addition to planning pre-wedding events. However, back then, really the only pre-wedding event was the bridal shower. There were no bachelorette parties, no party weekends. Just a simple affair, at someone's home (often the MOB), where all or most of the ladies invited to the wedding were invited to come "shower" the bride with gifts. But the MOH had more to do back then than just buy a dress and show up.

I'm not sure why things have shifted to the current model. Maybe it has to do with more women in the workforce than there were back when I was growing up. Women just don't have as much free time as they used to, so roles have changed. Some still see their role as more than just buying a dress and showing up. I know both my sister and my daughter are helping me with research, DIY projects, as well as planning the pre-parties.

Whether more involved or less, I think it's between the bride and her BM/MOH to decide what parts they will all play, and how involved they will be. I don't think it's right for brides to just assume that their ladies will jump right in and handle the planning, or get mad when their expectations aren't met. I believe it's important for the bride to have a chat with each member of the bridal party in the beginning, to talk about expectations, and for the bride to guage how much the ladies want to be involved. It's all about communication.

I think it happens sometimes, and for sure is a nice thing for BM or GM to offer to help with, but the overall assumption is that it shouldn't be expected because they do have busy lives of their own. I do agree, the bach party should be something the MOH & BM assume they should plan and the same for BM and GM but I think beyond that, anything else they help with is extra and shouldn't be expected from them.

I think some of this has blown back because people went from expecting the MOH/BM to help plan a few things and do some crafts to expecting them to plan an all expense paid week long trip to Miami or Vegas for the Bach party. So some people are going to the other extreme of "MOH/BM only responsibility is to stand next to the bride on the wedding day, everything else you should NEVER ask for". I also think it depends on the region you're in and what the income of your bridal party is and what's the norm for your area.

I am under the impression that my bridesmaids will help me do some DIY stuff if I need to (but if they can't that's 100% fine!), they give me opinions if I'm stuck between 2 options (because let's be honest, the groom does not care), and they should get a dress/shoes/etc and be there the day of.

My MOH and I text all the time about wedding stuff, she asks me if I want a bach party (I said yes), she asks me what parameters I want (I told her in state, preferably a fri-sun if everyone could make it happen, and I'm fine staying local if that's what everyone wants to do), she asks me how much input I want in things or if I want them to be surprises.

I think the best way to handle the stuff with MOH/BM is to straight up ask them what their expectations are, like what do they think you want from them? That will tell you how your specific crowd feels. If they all say "we will be in a group text and come to vendor meetings and dress shopping" then you know they want to be heavily involved. If they say "show up on the wedding day", they probably aren't going to do much other than that, and that should be ok with you.

I totally agree with you. My MOH has gone with me to every appointment (except when she works), has already planned my shower, and wants to plan my bachelorette party. She’s been invoked the whole time. I didn’t even ask this of her, she just did it. I also did it for her when she got married a few years ago without her telling me to. I just assumed it was part of my role because I’ve always seen this done with weddings. I didn’t know it wasn’t until I came on WW.

Traditionally, their role was to stand next to the bride wearing a similar outfits to confuse jealous suitors and evil spirits. Also, the number of bridesmaids directly corresponded to the wealth and social status of a family (i.e. more BM's, more showing off how rich you are). Shower and bachelorette craziness is relatively modern/new phenomenon. No one is entitled to these parties unless someone offers - which no one is required to do. Some BM's love helping with DIYS, etc, but it is not a requirement. You shouldn't pick people to honor based on how much they can and will do for your - but to honor your friendship and closeness.

The person who should be helping you plan and do all of the wedding stuff is your FI,

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Okay, nine times out of 10, FS's do not want to help plan. Who then is supposed to help? also why do i want someone to stand next to me if they arent willing to support me?

I'm just trying to understand here but it would be literally impossible to really support the bride in anything without being involved at some level in planning things with the possible exception of being out of town.

I suppose what confuses me most about this is how someone super close to a bride could be so distant that they don't even support the bride in being excited about the wedding when they talk. Maybe my friend group/idea of close friends is just not the norm?

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Yeah, I feel like they should want to do it. I have one bridesmaid who cant because she's too far away but she plans to help the time that she is here and has said a few times that she wishes she could help more. Maybe its the personality and closeness because really close friends want to help eachother automatically?

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Completely agree. it is up to communication. maybe its just the dichotomy that is confusing to me. I dont think i could handle minimal involvement from my girls because we are so close. It would just seem strange to do it all solo.

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You might be on to something here. I dont expect them to drop their lives but i have seen so many people saying that what i would consider to be basic friendship (being excited for the bride, being there for the bride to bounce ideas off of and give opinions) is above and beyond. Maybe i'm just out of sync with the shift in culture.

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I agree totally. I'm close with all my bridesmaids and none of them are divas or crazy people who would make it about them or whatever other horror stories you hear about bridesmaids. Since I'm so close with all of them, I feel like I know what I can ask of them.

Some people seem to not have a lot of friends or no close friends and maybe that's where this confusion comes from? They basically have strangers in the bridal party? I'm not sure.

I was always under the impression that the bridesmaids plan and attend the shower and bachelorette as well as attend the rehearsal and get ready with the bride but I think this changes as people age. I got married at 24, my bridesmaids were all 30 or under with no kids. They were THRILLED to be involved in a bachelorette, and get ready with me and all of that. I think bridesmaids that are older and are moms tend to have less of an interest in that kind of stuff and the role becomes more of... just buy the dress and show up because the rest just isn't exciting anymore.

I do disagree that the bridesmaids help plan the actually wedding though. I've never known a bridesmaid that did DIY crafts or any of that. The wedding is planned by the bride and groom and sometimes parents if they are paying for anything.

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So my question would be, why is it ok for the Fiance to not be interested in planning or helping, but someone who has nothing to do with the marriage is expected to go above and beyond? That's insane.

I've been a BM many times and had 5 when I got married. Just because someone doesn't want to talk about your wedding 24/7 or spend a ton of money throwing you a party doesn't mean they don't love and support and care about you and your marriage. That's all I'm saying. Some people just don't get excited about weddings and colors and floral arrangements - they can still love you and want you to be happy and support your choices once they are made.

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Maybe, but maybe not. I also don't think our expectations are above and beyond. I know my ladies have lives of their own, and families to take care of. I don't expect them to drop everything at my call. And I never meant to imply that a BM would be planning the wedding and FH has no role (as someone suggested). Only that in addition to FH making decisions, as a BM in family weddings, I have helped the bride with planning stuff. She always makes the final decision of course, but if you ask me my opinion, I'm going to give it to you! I have an expectation that my ladies will do the same for me, but at the same time, I'm not calling them up every day for the last 9 months expecting them to give it constantly. There's a line.

Also, rather than a shift in culture, it might come down to simply knowing your crowd. Not everyone gets excited about wedding stuff (as someone else said), and that's ok. Maybe your ladies and mine are the new exceptions to the rule--or maybe there were always this many different levels of excitement and participation--we just didn't notice it until we became brides ourselves.