The other week my family got together for my dad’s birthday & I just mentioned that I had been researching venues & it was exhausting but I had gotten two quotes I liked & my FSIL looked at one with me so I would be trying to tour those soon. I also asked my 2 sisters to be bridesmaids by giving them simple proposal boxes. My mom joked “aren’t you going to ask me to be the mother of the bride?” And I said “of course - will you be my mother??” And we laughed about it. All seemed good.
My mom also talked to me a bit about how I had previously mentioned that I probably wouldn’t be inviting cousins for money reasons but that some of my cousins (who I’d genuinely love to have there - all of my cousins are out of state) were asking her questions about the wedding when she saw them recently. She was saying it’s hard that we only see family at weddings and funerals now a days. She also mentioned that she & my dad would be giving some money to help so if we’re worried about cost of guests they could help cover it. I don’t think she has much of an understanding of how much it can cost per person…
The next day I get a text from my sister that my mom was saying on their drive home that she was hurt that I hadn’t been involving her in my planning but she doesn’t want to seem pushy by asking me questions - she started asking me questions about the wedding the day after we got engaged & it stressed me out & apparently that has made her worried about asking me anything even now, even though we cleared things up afterwards so I didn’t think it mattered anymore…But I do remember hearing her crying with my oldest sister when they were planning her wedding a couple years ago (which my mom was SUPER involved in) and she said “Do you even want me involved at all??” So I’m not sure what I could have done differently to avoid this.
It’s frustrating that she already feels left out even though I haven’t planned anything. And to be brutally honest, I don’t really like my mom’s taste in a lot of things. I also am nervous for when money conversations come up…my mom is used to weddings that are like $5-$6k. My FHs family is used to more expensive weddings. We are trying to go somewhere in between, closer to $15k. My mom has already made weird comments in the past about some of her well-off family members, how “they have the money to do that” or “they aren’t worried about money.” So I don’t want to talk to her about our money or what we are spending on the wedding. I don’t really want her to come on venue tours, or food tastings. I want her there for my dress shopping & there will definitely be DIYs to do which she’d be very helpful for. But honestly I’d rather get most opinions/advice from my FSIL/FMIL who have really good taste & are incredible at planning these things.
It doesn’t help that I have some resentment against my mom for some of her parenting decisions for me growing up & her tendency to passive-aggressively manipulate. Ouch…But she’s also a very loving, caring, generous woman & I love her. I have just been struggling with our relationship in general for the past year or so.
So yeah…what am I supposed to do?? I’m already having nervous breakdowns trying to plan without the added mom drama!
