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Just Said Yes September 2021

Mom has zero interest in wedding - what can i do?

Madison, on July 6, 2021 at 8:15 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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Quick background: my fiancé and I have been engaged for 2 1/2 years at this point and are finally getting married in September of this year. We are paying for everything but the catering.

Throughout the entire planning process my mom has been very distant..? She was very excited when we got engaged and said she could not wait to help plan it with my, but has not seemed to care at all so far and now we’re only two months away.
She has gotten snippy with me each time I ask for her opinion on something and tells me she isn’t in the mood right now and to just drop it, so I leave her alone. I was surprised when she offered to go on a venue visit with us and our coordinator, but she spent the time on her phone with a friend telling them their daughter should be married there and had no input or interest with planning our day.
Now that we’re so close my cousin (a bridesmaid) has offered to plan my bridal shower and bachelorette because my MoH (sister) and mom haven’t said anything about either. I was very grateful for her offer and told her to go ahead with it. When my mom found out she flipped. She told me she had ideas and wanted to plan it, but it’s not her fault she has been too busy to do anything about it and called me selfish for caring more about having a shower and party than her feelings. She is especially upset my aunt is paying for the bach weekend as a gift and says it’s a dig against her and I shouldn’t have accepted the money, even though she wasn’t planning anything else.
What do I do? I want more than anything for her to be a part of planning the wedding, but she’s doing nothing but push me away and tear me down at every turn, calling me selfish and telling me she has more important things to worry about. I’ve spent night after night crying to my fiancé after a run in with her and am ready to give up completely. Has anyone else gone through this? Sorry for the novel! It’s been building for months now.

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Madison, on July 8, 2021 at 4:27 PM

Savvy August 2021
Shara · on July 6, 2021 at 8:24 PM
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Girrrll you are NOT alone! I’m basically going through this right now. My mother just called me selfish and egotistical and I’m just so done. And just like you, she flipped out and got jealous of my aunt too… thinking we were favoring her at the wedding over her. 🙄 She went off on my fiancé about it and I was so not okay with that. I don’t want her there anymore and to be honest, it’s sort of a relief. She’s very unstable and unpredictable so I don’t need her flipping out on me at the wedding. She’s done this to me all my life so for me, it’s a no brainer to not have her come. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your mom, or if she has any mental health issues. My mom certainly does, and that side of my family is Colombian so they are very family oriented and expect me to forgive her. I am so conflicted because I feel the cultural guilt and the need to understand her because she’s mentally unstable, but I honestly don’t need this. It’s been emotionally exhausting and I’ve been crying to my fiancé as well. I don’t understand why parents can be so self centered and make it about them. We’re the ones having to be the adults. Anyways… if she’s causing you too much anxiety, just be straight forward with her. That’s what I did and it ended up making her flip out even more but it also validated how I was feeling. I know it’s not me… even though I’m still working through the guilt.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 6, 2021 at 10:21 PM
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It definitely sucks and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I went through something similar and my best advice is stop sharing information with her. It will only lead to disappointment. If she goes out of her way to ask, tell her. Otherwise, reset your expectations and don’t even discuss wedding planning with her.
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Super October 2022
AJ · on July 6, 2021 at 10:23 PM
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Not alone, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. My mom hasn’t called me selfish yet but she’s basically got no interest in helping me plan anything since I decided to go with a florist for my centerpiece flowers instead of dealing with fake ones. She wants to throw my bridal shower but doesn’t want to invite anyone from my FH’s family which I think is weird and I don’t like but I know if I say something about it she’ll blow up and just say forget the whole thing and not talk to me. My whole life she wanted to control everything and keep me from making mistakes and getting hurt, I was never allowed to do a lot. I try to show her dresses I like and she just says “oh” because she “has nothing nice to say”. I am absolutely dreading going dress shopping because I have a it’s going to end in tears (not happy ones). I know it’s hard but you have to limit what you say to her and set boundaries, it’s her loss if she can’t make time for you and it’s sad. Focus on the positives and the people who obviously want to make your day special. That’s so great your cousin wants to throw your shower! Im so sorry your mom is being so horrible, Im sure your wedding will be lovely
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Judith · on July 8, 2021 at 3:43 AM
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Is she going through menopause?
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Just Said Yes September 2021
Madison · on July 8, 2021 at 4:27 PM
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That’s what I’ve resigned myself to. It’s just so hard to not share all the exciting things about planning your wedding with your mom...definitely taking some adjusting. Especially when she then says she’s being left out and feels that she’s treated unfairly, yet shoots down any discussion.
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