Mom is treating engagement like a hostage situation

Tell her that you are an independent adult woman and need neither a blessing or permission from your parent to get married. And your fiance would consider it insulting to you to even suggest that he get a blessing or permission, as though you were either a child or an incompetent adult. And will not be seeking it.
Way banl someone I had dated nearly a year and was not serious about, went to my father when he knew I was out. And asked for his permission, " may I have her hand in marriage. First Dad straight out laughed at hi.m. The dad told him, I do not think you know my daughter well enough to marry her, or you would never come to anyone else before you talked to her. Got that right! It os not a good idea to point out parental narcissism. But you need to point out your independence now, in this and in wedding planning. It is for you and FI to plan.

This is clearly about more than just the proposal. Are you open to family counseling? Or even just having a sit down “come to Jesus” (for lack of better term) moment with your mom and explain his heritage and when and how their views and beliefs have changed and progressed. It sounds like more than the proposal and that she wants assurance of his family upbringing.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately I have already tried the come to jesus conversation. It makes it better for a couple weeks but then it seems she doesn't remember it and we are back to square one

Call her bluff! What you want does not affect her in any way so how she reacts is her choice.

Please do whatever you need to do to understand that there are no magic words or actions that would make this woman happy, supportive and accepting. Even if your partner went agains his and your inclinations and asked for her blessing (what does that even mean in this context with this much hostility??), then she would find something else to be upset about.

You might need counseling for yourself to learn about toxic parents and how to set boundaries. Or maybe you could just do some reading on your own to learn how others have coped. The bottom line is you can't fix or change her or your relationship but you can protect yourself.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much! It's hard growing up with that and tearing away from the behaviors you learned to have growing up with that. I'll look into some councelling for it

View Quoted Comment I agree with this, however my fiance asked for my dad's blessing, it was super important to me and but funny thing is that I never actually told him that it was important he just did it on his own. It isn't about being mature enough to make your own decisions as it is about showing respect to the future in laws and making your dad feel special like he was apart of the engagement process. However it's all about personal preference because not everyone has the same relationship with their parents. As for you I agree to cut ties with her now before the wedding planning starts. She is toxic and will just drag you down the whole wedding process. And you do not want someone adding unnecessary stress to your wedding which can already be pretty stressful.

Cut ties with her. If you cave & do what she wants she’ll just move on to something else to control you.

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THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

My mother is a toxic narcissist as well, so I *totally understand your pain*.

Nothing will ever be good enough for her. We *did* invite my mother to the wedding. Her name was not listed on the invitations, as she was not hosting the wedding.

She is still so angry about this, that she has not spoken to us since June of 2019.

(MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER.) Obviously, she did not come to the wedding, as "punishment". ..Joke's on her, we had a stress-free, glorious wedding day.

If you don't want to go full no-contact, then you put her on an information diet, and you stop reacting to her. She's upset he didn't ask permission? "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're engaged." She's upset you're doing something with the wedding? "Well, that's what we're doing. How about that weather, huh? Oh, you want to keep talking about what you don't like about the wedding? Well, we don't want to talk about the wedding. We'll talk to you later. Bye." She insists something should be done a certain way? "No." (That's it, complete sentence.)

I cannot recommend therapy enough, I'm in it, myself, and *just* figured out a huge trauma trigger the other day. Rough, but useful.

You're not alone. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much!

Honestly, it sounds like damned if you do damned if you don't. She clearly already doesn't like him for whatever reason and believe me him asking for her "blessing" isn't going to change that. It's just another way she is using to try to make you feel bad and cause tension in your relationship. The only people that matter in your relationship are the two of you! If your mom isn't going to respect you and your choices than maybe she doesn't need to be involved. I know it is hard to cut off family especially a mother but speaking from experience not having someone like that makes the wedding planning process a LOT less stressful! I hope you are able to work it all out!

I agree with those who advise you to ignore her because you don't mind.
I promised myself I would NEVER ask for my fiancee's father's/parent's permission/blessing. I've always felt strongly about it, even before I met my fiancee.
Then a female cousin I'm very close to, advised me to ask for my fiancee's opinion. "Some girls are traditional ,if she ever wants you to ask for her father/parents permission/blessing , you'll have, at least, to consider it",she added. My fiancee toldbme "no way in hell you'll ask them! ", with a firm tone LOL , "I don't belong to them but I'm yours" 😍🥰💞💓💕❤️. I know I would have "sucked it up" if she ever wanted me to ask for their blessing and even for their permission. .I would have done it for her.Don't forget that your fiance's duty is to make you happy , not your mom or anyone else. He's not gonna mary your mom.