Mom issues

I am speaking from someone who lost her mother 10 years ago, and the relationship at the time was working through some issues stemming from when I was growing up so in the middle of my planning I am having some feels about parents...I would say at least extend the invitation, if she doesn't accept then at least you did what you could. Maybe you can live record the elopement with them watching? Are you planning to have something like a reception or dinner when you get back?

I think it would be best to extend the invite and let your mom make the decision. I would have a heartfelt talk with her. Tell her you would love to have her there, but you also understand and sympathize with her social anxiety. Make sure she knows you will be happy if she comes… but not angry if she can’t.

If you want them there, then I would extend the invite, knowing that they may or may not attend. If they decide to attend and your mom says she's not going to be in the photos, don't pressure your mom to be in them. Instead, allow her to attend in the capacity that she feels she can do. Otherwise, you could maybe livestream the event for them?

I would extend the invite and give your mom the opportunity to choose for herself if she'd like to go. Sounds like this has limited her capacity to enjoy so many things, has she tried to get help for herself about this?

Yes definitely send an invitation because it lets her know that you want her in attendance. Don’t hold her social anxiety against her. Has she looked into therapy to help with the issues?

My mom has never gotten help and will never. She claims she's the normal one and having weddings/parties is stupid. She is super stubborn. She also has a phobia of eating in front of people so inviting her would be awkward if we are at dinner and she doesn't eat. And it would be very awkward if she doesn't interact with my in-laws since they are so friendly I don't want them to feel like they did something wrong.

I just have a guilty conscience and I know if I invite her it would be uncomfortable for everyone especially me. I just wish I had a normal home life

Just an alternative thought . . . what if you had a courthouse ceremony in your current country for which your parents could attend? Foreign marriage laws can be complicated, so some couples have 2 ceremonies for legal reasons. This may also provide your parents (and you) a comfortable out.

It's reasonable to wish for some sense of normalcy when stressed, but the most common pattern in life I've found is that the older parents get, they are more set in their ways. Some reasons are fear and isolation. Good luck with your micro wedding(s).

You’re the only one who can decide if her presence at your wedding is worth more than a destination wedding trip with your future in laws. If so would or could they attend something local? If not how will they feel about that? The travel no doubt would puts an entire extra level of anxiety on it for your father at least. Can you discuss this with them?