Mom & Step Mom Roles in Planning

I was in your exact situation almost. My parents got divorced in 1996, my dad and stepmom married in 1999, and they hate each other. My mom helped with getting ready and bach party, stepmom with bridal shower and rehearsal dinner. There was tension over it during the engagement with my stepmom taking over some unasked and my mom feeling hurt even though she hadn’t offered to do anything, but by some miracle of God they decided to be extra nice to each other at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment That was a smart way to break up the tasks! They were cordial at our engagement party so maybe I’ll experience the miracle at the wedding that you did! Lol

GIRL. Lemme tell you. Mom and stepmom are some of the trickiest relationships to navigate during this process. Long story short, my parent split when I was 16, and my dad left my mom to marry my now stepmom that he had been seeing for less than a year. Yeah. We'll say my mom and stepmom do not get along and leave it at that.

Well, after I stopped being a teenage rebel mad at how my dad treated my mom - it was pretty bad - I finally have a good relationship with him and my stepmom. She even coerced my dad into talking with his kids instead of being absentee, even if he hates that my sis and I are very serious in our relationships to the point of moving in.

I swear to God. My mom said she was fine with whatever I wanted, I invited my dad to the wedding and my stepmom to get makeup done with us. She. Lost. Her. Mind. I stepped on a nerve about sharing me with my stepmom, and now I've banned the lady from all but sitting quietly with a corsage on to keep the peace. 1000% with you.

My advice? Sit mom down and explain that you will do the main bridal things with just her, like makeup and picking the dress. But your stepmom should be involved with the venue and catering if they're paying. Just set rules with her and explain that she is still your mom, but you want to respect your stepmom too. Stand your ground where you need to because at the end of the day, what's important is what you want.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

I don't get along with my mother at all, and I get along great with my stepmom, so I sidestepped this whole thing by not really involving my mother. (She didn't exactly rush to get involved, either, even when I asked her for family addresses.... I waited *weeks* for her to even acknowledge the ask. So. There's a reason I didn't involve her.)

That said, this is the beginning of the time when your parents all have to be adults and learn to live with each other in some form or the other. What happens if you have kids? At holidays? Is your mom going to blow up because your dad and stepmom also want to be involved? See you? See your family?

I think you need to sit down with them individually and center YOU - and this isn't selfish. You are protecting your own mental health here.

Practically, you *can* divide up tasks. Maybe see different venues with your stepmom, or work on the DJ with her...

But, mostly, this is the point where the parents have to step up, handle their trauma/pain/sheer stubborn dislike, and deal. Because otherwise, everyone else is going to end up hurt and angry.

That sounds so hard! Especially if your stepmom has other daughters and your mom has only you as her daughter.

I really agree with the advice given above. I can also tell you that my mom (we clash a lot in terms of certain things we want) has a really hard time hearing me tell her things that I know she won't like and she hates how she reacts to me. Something that's worked for us is having someone else tell her things so that she can think about it for a day and realize it's not as big of a deal as she thinks (such as having cornhole at the reception).

I think your mom may need a designated emotional buffer (not you, ideally a sibling, your dad, or close family friend who loves both of you) to tell her about what roles your stepmom might do so your mom can vent on that person and let those feelings out without making you feel guilty about your stepmom's role in your life. She has to know this is really hard for you and her feelings about your stepmom are not fair to put on you. If she doesn't, you need to tell her just that.

I think it really depends on your family dynamics. Was it an amicable split? If so, I think your mom and stepmom need to set aside their differences and realize the wedding is for YOU (and your fiancé lol). This is the time they need to be adults. If it was not an amicable split, keep in mind there may still be hurt left over from the divorce. I would ask your mom what she is comfortable with you sharing with your stepmom in terms of tasks or duties and use that as your guideline.