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May 2023

Mom wants me to invite unwanted guests to the wedding

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Beth, on May 9, 2022 at 12:06 PM

So my mom has a brother (let’s call him Uncle Bob) was previously married to my dads sister (let’s call her Aunt Jane). Uncle Bob and aunt Jane have been divorced for a long time, but prior to that, and even a while after the divorce, our whole extended family has been very close (aunts uncles cousins etc). Uncle Bob has a second wife of about 10 years now. Second wife was nice to everyone at first, but was always very uncomfortable with aunt Jane being around, even though she’s close family. Over the years, second wife has gotten worse and worse, especially the past year or 2. She constantly starts fights with my mom and other family members, has said awful things, literally said “I hope they die” about one of my aunts. Uncle Bob obviously takes his wife’s side, and we don’t see them often now. Occasionally my mom hears from him, but it always ends in a fight. Since getting engaged this year, neither Uncle Bob or new wife have said congrats to me or my fiancé (haven’t heard from them myself in over a year, period.) I will probably still invite them to the wedding out of respect for them and my moms feelings (my mom has tried to make amends with my uncle several times, she’s still trying). New wife has 2 adult children, and one of them also has a wife who I never got along with, she was always snobby. I don’t plan on inviting new wife’s kids. I haven’t even seen them or spoke to them in 2-3 years. My fiancé and I only want close family and friends at the wedding. My mom keeps saying “I have to invite them, they’re my brothers step kids”. She gets very angry when I say I don’t want to invite them. It just feels like she’s making it about her and not respecting my feelings about the situation at all. Any advice?

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27 Comments

May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 5:53 PM
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I also totally understand what you’re all saying, that I should tell my parents I don’t want them to help pay for the wedding. I understand the concept behind this, that it would give me all the control. I’m not against paying for the wedding on our own. But I just don’t think that would make a difference, because I have a pretty good relationship with my mom in general and she would probably STILL ask me “can’t you just invite the stepkids for me?? Do it for me! Please!!” Also I think it might hurt her feelings if I decline the money for that reason. She’ll think I’m saying “I don’t want you involved in any of this” which is not true…I just want her to let this particular thing go.
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Devoted April 2023
Lucy · on May 10, 2022 at 1:27 AM
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" idk how to make her understand":
We solved this issue by hiring security, so anyone who isn't on OUR guest list won't be able to come in. My fiancé's dad's partner (not married) asked him to invite her parents, siblings and adult kids: we haven't even met them , he said "No, period" then she threatened to bring them no matter what. Saying "security will prevent them from coming in" shut her down.
While Jacks made a point "You can disagree if you want, but we see it all the time here.", it DOESN'T MEAN they're right. Many couples (and parents) think parents' money means get a say. But my fiancé and I don't. Money should be a REAL gift andit's the #1 reason wvy we declined money from everyone. I'm sorry to hear that MANY brides here can't stand up for themselves: " I didn't want a bridal shower but I let them throw it to avoid hurt feelings" , " I didn't wanna dance with dad but still did it " , " I wanted to walk myself down but my dad did because family thinks this is the right thing to do". I read this 1 million times on WW and I still don't understand why they let others roll over them like that, especially about things that are supposed to be about the couple.
I'm glad to see that FINALLY another person can say NO when needed ❤💕.
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Beginner February 2023
Kaala · on May 14, 2022 at 6:51 PM
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Paying for your child's wedding should come with NO strings attached. It should be considered a gift. Sorry, IDC who's paying for what, who we want at our wedding will be the only people there. If whoever is gifting me $ has an issue that's fine, take your dollars and leave.
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Beginner February 2023
Kaala · on May 14, 2022 at 6:54 PM
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They get full say over everything because it's their wedding. If he Mom wants to throw an event and invite everyone, she's more than welcome. Paying money towards your child's wedding should be a gift and if you hold it over their head to get what YOU want on THEIR day....gross.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on May 14, 2022 at 9:02 PM
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That's not always how it works though in real life. I never said it was right, it just is.
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Beginner September 2022
Bella · on May 15, 2022 at 8:13 AM
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It's your day and if you don't want someone there, that's your decision. Don't let anyone dictate who you are inviting! Good luck
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Expert August 2019
N · on June 9, 2022 at 7:28 AM
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Honestly, f uncle Bob and his wife. I wouldn’t invite any of them. This is not a family reunion and you don’t talk to or like them at all. I hate hearing the OuT oF ReSpEcT fOr excuse disguised as “etiquette” from parents or other folks. It ain’t your day and you can go be mad about it. This is not the event of the century, it’s a wedding and those getting married shouldn’t have to worry about drama from allegedly grown people. All guests should be people you don’t grimace at as you write their names on invites. Your mom will just have to get over it. Tell her “look I understand this is someone related to you by blood, but it doesn’t make them someone I want around for the biggest event I may ever have celebrating the love between SO and I. I know this may upset you, but I’m asking you to put your feelings on that aside for me and SO. I know you said this isn’t about money but if you would feel more comfortable taking it back I understand. I just don’t want people that will only bring grief on our day to attend, and they will not be invited. I would appreciate you not bringing this up again, because all it is doing is stressing me out.”
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