Moms

I'm having this same issue with my mom. I know she means well, but she's being very overbearing in her "vision". Stop discussing the wedding details with your mom, and if she calls or texts about it just be very short with a "I'll think on that" or "I had something else in mind". My mom would keep saying "well this is your party so whatever you want" and then continue to push exactly what she wanted lol. I eventually just said "I really appreciate your help, but please don't buy or make anything for the wedding without showing me first. I don't want you to put in the time or money into something that won't go with our theme."

Tell her no and stop discussing planning with her. If she continues to push it, tell her that you've already decided on the decor and, while you appreciate her input, it's no longer up for discussion.

View Quoted Comment In the beginning we were told we would have absolutely no help so we were fine with that. Then out of the blue my mom comes to my house and dropped like a $1000 on decorations that wasn't even brought up for discussion to us first. I told her we appreciated it but wished she would have talked to us about it. My mom has always been in control so I gave her control of setting up our picture, sign in and honeymoon fund table. But only to set it up. Now she wants more decorations on it and wants to decorate everything else. And every time we say this is what we actually envisioned she says "then I'm done, don't expect me to do anything for you ever again, I wanted to help and make it better but obviously you don't need it so do it yourself". Like I just want a normal relationship with my mom. I just want her to be there more emotional support and watch me get married...

Set firm boundaries and tell her that you will make the decisions and it isn’t up for discussion. Then stick to it. Out of curiosity, is she paying for the wedding?

View Quoted Comment I feel like I tell her this all the time but she literally gets so scary. I mean I want her at my wedding and to support me and us but I feel that if she keeps doing this she'll try to run the whole day no matter what we say and we might have to make her leave.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely not! Luke and I have paid for almost everything. She only paid for the decorations she thought we wanted. And as far as boundaries go, my mom literally has none no matter what we say. I feel like she will let it ruin the big day.

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It sounds like you need to work on boundaries with your mother beyond wedding planning. You're an adult. If you continue to let her make decisions for you, it's going to move into other parts of your life and your marriage, including any children that you may have in the future.

View Quoted Comment I come from a house that if I "back talked" or said something to disagree with my mom she would bring out the belt. So I guess that comes into now as to why I can't set firm boundaries with her. Even though me being an adult she still starts yelling and huffing and puffing till she gets what she wants.

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Yeah, I would probably look into some therapy. Sounds like you might have a little PTSD from previous physical and current emotional abuse from your mother. Maybe you can also look into family counseling if you want to work on the relationship with her.

View Quoted Comment Sadly I've tried to talk mom into therapy and she refused. I just want her to be a normal mom and just support and be there.

Yea I agree with pp stop talking about the details with her. Stop taking her places with you. And be like 100% straight with her. Like tell her she’s being overbearing and like too much and she’s on the verge of ruining your day.

View Quoted Comment It will probably have to resort to that and sadly she would probably leave our wedding because "she was only trying to help but we obviously don't want her help"

View Quoted Comment Honestly from an outside perspective it sounds like your mom is very toxic. I know you want her to be a “normal”/supportive mom, but that’s just not who she is. No amount of your wanting her to be different will change her personality.

Stop sharing details with your mom and instead talk to any people in your life who are actually supportive right now instead.

Wow after reading all of this I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I understand that you just want a normal relationship with your mom, but it doesn’t sound like that will happen. She sounds controlling and a bit like a bully to me. I wouldn’t share any info with her and when she asks I would simply say something like “you don’t seem to be able to control your comments and emotions so we are not sharing anything with you”. If she isn’t paying she doesn’t have a say and if she wants to pout and not come then so be it. I know that will hurt but it will be worse if she creates drama on your special day. This is hard but set boundaries now or it won’t get any better. Good luck.

View Quoted Comment You guys are right. And it's so hard because all I want is to make her happy. I'm the first child getting married so I want to make it special. But it's turned into something I almost dread and I hate that for my fiancé. I'm going to have to set my foot down, it just sucks because I know how it will end.

View Quoted Comment My son got married last year and his wife had to set the law down with her mom and it was ugly and very sad. She did show up to the wedding but was miserable in all the pictures and not happy at all. Luckily I love my DIL and we get along well so I helped with everything so she knows she can rely on me. And I support their decisions to do what they want. Perhaps you can be luckily enough to find that in your FMIL.

View Quoted Comment It's so good to have a good relationship with your in laws and I absolutely adore my mother in law! She is the mom I wish I had. I'm super grateful for her.

View Quoted Comment That’s awesome. Hopefully she will fill in a bit during this time for you. Good luck

Stop telling her anything.

Seriously. Just stop giving her the opportunity.

When she inevitably complains about that, point out that it is your day, and that she keeps overstepping boundaries.