Money and Mother in Law

They dont have to help contribute to your wedding. Many many people are paying for their own wedding completely. I'm sorry, but they aren't doing anything wrong and you definitely do not have to make them understand that they need to pay for something.

Honestly, you shouldn't be asking ANYONE for money. If they offer, great, but that doesn't seem to be what happened here. I bet your FMIL feels taken advantage of and only looked at as a bank cause you, your FH, and your parents cannot afford the wedding you are planning. Which frankly, is not her problem (or your parents problem), it's yours.

Long story short. Stop asking people for money and plan a wedding you can afford.

I would respond to your FMIL by saying something like "of course we want you at our wedding!" I think where you may have gone wrong is expecting other people to pay for the wedding. Of course it would be helpful and nice if your in laws offered but they're not required to and neither are your parents.

You fix it by letting your future in-laws know that you understand their opinion about things being too costly, thank them for their comments and let them know that you won't be asking them about these things any more.

And then you re-work your budget and assume that they will pay for nothing - because in reality, they aren't required to pay for anything.

Reign back your expectations, change the size of your wedding, do whatever you need to do so that if it comes right down to it, you and your fiance are paying the whole bill. This way, you get to control every decision and won't have the stress of someone else saying "that's too much".

Holy moly, are we the same person? I am in a weirdly similar situation, even down to the details of my FILs living on the other side of the country!

Our main point of being annoyed at them was that my FMIL has treated me and my FH TERRIBLY over the past few years, they are very well off (my family is not at all) and are giving us 1k and acting like it’s the greatest contribution anyone has ever made. Like, really guys? You spent 40k in the past year promoting your self-published book (that still only sold 30 copies) and you are acting like you’re God’s gift to us for giving us $1,000? Ugh.

So needless to say, I totally understand your frustration and your situation. But I do agree with pps that you can’t make them contribute to your wedding. We’re taking what we can get from my FFIL and reiterating him that this can NOT come with strings (he claims that it doesn’t, but I’m sure he’ll try to get something from us, we just have to make sure not to be guilted into it) and tbh we’re probably not going to invite my FMIL. She’s been so awful to us and her presence would honestly just stress both of us out. In a way it’s a blessing to not be getting more $ from them because now we’re not obligated to do what they want.

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I should have added it from the beginning but I added it. His parents have always asked us what we need help with. I am paying for a majority out of my pocket besides what both sides of our family have agreed on.

You and FH call his parents and apologize for asking for money. Say you were wrong and now realize that asking was rude. If you and FH can't afford the wedding you are planning, you scale the plans back to what the two of you can afford. Or, you push the date back to allow the two of you to save money.

If a child called me and wanted money to pay for a wedding, I'd decline too. If I want to contribute, I'll offer. It sounded like they were making a nice contribution before this snafu. Bars are not cheap.

View Quoted Comment This.
My mom has always told me "dont do it if you cant afford it". I told FH I will pay for exactly 50% of this wedding. If he cant come up with the other 50%, then there will simply be no wedding.
Do what you can afford. Its no ones responsibility but your own.

I think you and your FH should plan for a wedding that you two can afford without financial help from anyone else. My FMIL swears up and down to help with anything we need, but in reality she always bails so we are planning a wedding we can afford. It seems like you and your FH aren't necessarily direct in your approach to asking for financial help (which I wouldn't recommend you ask for anyway) and that could be very frustrating for your future in-laws since it seems like you're always fishing around for money without being upfront. Like you want them to take a hint and offer money they shouldn't have to give.

If you wouldn't do that to your parents, don't do it to his.

These are the kinds of conversations that you really have to have on the phone or in person. You lose so much of the intent behind something when there is no tone of voice or anything behind it. Stop texting and call them.

I would also mostly agree with LB's comment. Have a wedding you can afford. If this is causing you and your family so much financial stress, you need to rethink your budget and your expectations. It sucks, but it is what it is.

If I was your fmil I would be ticked off too. She’s not too close to her son then they become close in time it’s to become your personal wedding bank. Nah you two were in the wrong acting like they owe it to you because they’re better off. Call them, apologize, tell them thank you for putting up with you two being rude and then scale your wedding back to what you can afford or push your date out.

My advice is to stop talking to his parents about money and definitely don't be asking for it. This is your wedding and yours to pay for. Plan what you two alone can afford. I would be put off too if i was your FH's mother. At one time they may have offered to help but it seems clear that they won't be, which is totally their choice. Retool your budget, guest list, and move forward.

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When you say "asked us what we need help with", did you reply that you needed money? If so, that answer should now be re-thought.

You now know that money offered comes with significant strings attached. Take this information and remember it - forever.

The time to nip this in the bud is now. Gracefully thank them for their original offer of financial support and let them know that you have BOTH decided to do this on your own, with what you can afford.

Start planning the wedding that can fit into your budget. Period. First of all your dad had a stroke and you are still taking money from them? Wow. I would never do that. Secondly stop asking your FIL's for money. If his parents asked how they could help it sounds like it was more helping plan not help pay. Unless they bring up it DO NOT ask them for money again.

I'm kind of going through a similar situation, but my fiance's mother has not flat out said anything to me. I needed to use my fiance's phone one day because I had left mine in an Uber, I was using his phone to get mine back. I was then texting with some of my family from his phone when I came across a message from his mother. She basically said that our venue was too expensive and did not understand why we needed such a big place. That is not fair to him and her to put up most of the money and it would be mostly my friends and family. That they both work too hard to not have a say in where the money goes.

Honestly, for everything that we are getting the place is actually not that expensive. We get it for the whole weekend, plus lodging, tables, chairs, set up and break down for about $5,000. Also, I feel like she is basically calling My family and me poor. One, I work two jobs to in order to help pay my way in our home and put money towards this wedding. Two, my mother is a single parent who is working hard to clear up personal financial issues while helping take care of her grandchild. My family may not be super well off, but they do their best. But now...I feel like I need to rethink everything i've decided on now because what if she is right? Ugh, I have not talked to my fiance about this because I did not want to think I was snooping but now it's been floating through my mind for almost two weeks.

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As an older bride here (early 50's) I would by ticked too, if my sons seldom spoke to me then turned on the charm and started chatting me up with they got engaged - then out comes the request for money. Pay for the wedding yourself, and CALL the inlaws to apologize. No more texting, no more emails. Stop showing the offensive texts to your mom to have her be, in my opinion, on your side. Have the wedding the two of you can afford. You asked "Has anyone else had this kind of trouble?" No, I never did as even though my parents had money it was THEIR money, they could be as cheap with it or spend it how THEY wanted. After my dad died I told my mom straight up: "Prepay your funeral and die with a nickel in the bank."

Plus they are paying for the alcohol? That is a pretty big chunk of a budget. That and a ceremony space? That was half our budget!

Scale back and have the wedding the two of you can afford.

View Quoted Comment Agreed! Get married where you can afford to or push back the date and save for it yourself!