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Devoted February 2022

Mother in law... again :)

Chloe, on October 12, 2021 at 4:01 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

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So apparently I too have a MFIL problem... Who would have thought.

Anyway, my mom died not so long ago and it's been a bit hard, planning this wedding without her. My FMIL is really great and we haven't had any (huge) problems before, but now I have this feeling like she is trying to replace my mom. She's asked me when we'll go dress shopping so often, that I've finally ordered a dress online just to avoid telling her that I don't want her there. Now she wants to go shopping for accessories and trying to bond over the wedding planning, and even wants to get ready with me... I know that she's doing it because she doesn't want me to have to do it all on my own, but if I can't have my mom there, I don't want anyone else. I know that the problem is mostly with me and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but how do I get out of this situation? I don't think I can speak to her about it without crying and I don't want to her to see me like that.

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Latest activity by Chloe, on October 13, 2021 at 1:58 AM

Expert March 2022
devotedlydavis · on October 12, 2021 at 5:55 AM
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I would have your FH talk to her and explain. Her intentions are good, but its understandable that you don’t want her there as well.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on October 12, 2021 at 7:08 AM
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I think it's perfectly valid to tell her those kinds of things are just too painful for you right now. She should understand it's not that you don't like her or anything she did specifically.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on October 12, 2021 at 8:37 AM
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Your reasons are perfectly acceptable and she should be understanding, but I don’t necessarily think she’s trying to replace your mom. My friends who have good relationships with their MIL did all of the things your mentioning with their MIL.

If you are uncomfortable talking those things through with her, have your FH talk to her and explain that you’re wanting to do those things alone.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on October 12, 2021 at 9:35 AM
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Have FH talk to her. It sounds like she’s trying to be there for you and make sure you have special memories, but it isn’t landing right. I’m sure she will understand, just have FH let her know that while you’re appreciative, it’s easier for you to manage the grief by doing things independently and will be sure to ask for her help when you are ready for it.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on October 12, 2021 at 10:34 AM
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Have a heart to heart with her. If you've always had a good relationship with her I'm sure she'll understand your feelings. It's great that she's so excited for you to marry her son and wants to be involved but I'm sure she also doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. It's ok to let her see you cry. You're grieving the most important person in your life and planning a wedding without her has to be so difficult. My FIL passed away 3 years ago. The last several weeks leading up to our wedding and these few weeks after it my husband has cried about his dad not being here more than he has in awhile. It's totally normal.
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Expert December 2021
Samantha · on October 12, 2021 at 11:08 AM
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I disagree with others saying it's on your FH to speak to his mom about this. You're an adult and need to act like one. I understand this is a sensitive subject and it's hard for you to talk about it but your FMIL is only trying to help, not replace your mom. Sit down, have your FH there for support, but explain to her what you posted here. She doesn't know she's doing something wrong unless you speak up and yall are on the same page. It's ok to let her see you vulnerable, and she will eventually since you're marrying her son and life happens in it's crazy beautiful ways.
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on October 12, 2021 at 11:15 AM
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I'd say depending on how close you are to her determines if you should tell her or if it might be better for FH to bring it up. If you're worried about being vulnerable in front of her then it probably means you're not super close and haven't discussed things of this nature with her before. If that's the case then I don't think there's anything wrong with FH being the one to broach the subject. It will most likely lead to her bringing it up to you though, so if you'd like to have the upper hand in the conversation then it'd be best for you to talk to her. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, even if she's not technically doing anything wrong.
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Super March 2022
Candace · on October 12, 2021 at 11:53 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Therapy will help you work out your feelings. Your FMIL is being a good FMIL. If you're not ready for her to act motherly, you'll need to be upfront with her. She'll understand as any mom would.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on October 12, 2021 at 8:55 PM
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I would assume good intent on her part. She’s probably trying to fill that (impossible to fill) void. I’m sorry for your loss!
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Devoted February 2022
Chloe · on October 13, 2021 at 1:58 AM
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Thanks everyone for your input! I'll have to let it go through my head some more.
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Mother in law... again :)

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