Mother in law keeps trying to add to guest list

I'm literally dealing with the same thing here but I put my foot down and our cap is 90 with plus ones and our wedding party. I literally just started ignoring my fmil. Sorry not sorry it's our day not hers if she wants to play family reunion she can do it on her time at her house with her money. So stand up to her or it will get worse.

View Quoted Comment 🤔 it does seem like she's trying to make it into a family reunion, I keep saying- this isn't a backyard barbeque, it's a wedding! Not every joe schmoe can come...I have let a lot of things go, mainly because of how generous she has been with other things. Hoping things get better for you as well!

I don't get why FMIL thinks she gets so many guests. Isn't this your wedding?

I can understand why you're stressed. If you have two weeks left and are still waiting on RSVP's, than it's likely you're going to go over your number.

Unfortunately, this should have been handled before invitations went out and she should have been told no, she cannot invite family members she hasn't spoken to in years and if she was already over her number of allotted guests you gave her, than it sounds like she needed to make some cuts.

She also overstepped her boundaries by agreeing to add a "child" of someone to the guest list, without your permission.

At this point, I don't think I'd be upset if she was upset with me. This is your wedding, your parents are paying for the majority, and it sounds like you've been more than generous with her - allowing extra guests you didn't originally even want to include. If she's upset, the problem is with her. She's the one that's rude here.

I often feel like family some times forget it’s the couples day and not theirs. Try not to feel bad for saying no to somebody, even if it’s your future mother in law. Because it’s not about her it’s about you and the person you love celebrating with those closest to you. I completely understand your anxiety and stress and want to remind you .. it’s okay to say no to people during the wedding. You’re not being rude, you’re being practical. There’s nothing wrong with that!

You are definitely stuck with this situation, however, it's a great lesson for the future. If you give FMIL an inch, she'll take a mile. So, all future requests from FMIL, even those not related to the wedding, need to be given careful consideration before you give her an answer.

I'd also add up everything that those extra people - the late additions to the list and those that are attending she didn't think would attend - and tell her the total. It's not just food and drink, it's also tables, linens, centerpieces, favors, chairs, etc. She probably has no idea how much all of this is costing. In the best of situations, she'll cover those costs.

Don’t worry about “sounding like a _____” —- you’re not being one! It’s your wedding, your FMIL is not covering the cost of all these extra people, so don’t feel bad about saying no to her. If these forums have taught me anything, it’s that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify saying no to inviting all these extra people, especially if they weren’t on the list to begin with. It will only be awkward for your FMIL next time you see her, when you tell her no again when she asks. It’s super rude of her to keep asking you to invite extra people. Put your foot down! It’s your wedding, not hers. My FMIL is the same way. Last time she gave us a list of extra people (when she has contributed NO money at all and has no plans of contributing) I “misplaced” it and didn’t invite any of those people as FH and I were sure that they wouldn’t even recognize our names when they received the STDs. No regrets there.

(Without reading any of the other comments) I would say, first of all, you have NOTHING to feel bad about! It's hard to see that, but she is the one who is over inviting. I know the rule of thumb is never invite someone assuming they will say know. They may just surprise you. So.. if she brings it up next time you see her. Let her know, you dont want to be rude, but you need to stick to your guns on this, and there are other things that depend on your guest list staying at 100 (ie: food, seating, YOUR guest...etc)

Your doing the right thing chica! Sorry your dealing with this!

View Quoted Comment

@ queenbee

I LOVE your strategy of "misplacing" the list!!! Genius!

I would have said no in the beginning about adding on.. there’s always a possibility of people saying yes. There’s nothing you can do about it now, you’re just going to have to accomadate the situation the best you can. Don’t stress- it’ll be okay.

Definitely put your foot down! Dont let her turn it into a family reunion, only surround yourself with those who love and care about you.
My FMIL gave me a list of almost 50 when we wanted 60 TOTAL. We went up to 80 total and just explained to her that if we didnt personally know them or talk to them in the last 5 years, they werent invited. And parents of my FH's sister/brother in laws were cut immediately.
But, at the same time, some people are RSVPing no that we thought were 100% coming.
Good luck!!

Let her be not happy with you. She'll get over it. If you are going to set a precedent of altering your choices and behavior every time she scowls, you will be very unhappy in your marriage. I suggest you and FH learn to set some boundaries NOW.

I would have shut that down very quickly. It's your wedding day. Your FMIL needs to be respectful of your wishes.

Dealing with the exact same situation except, we are trying to finalize the list so we can get the invites out and not stress over them anymore. FMIL, are making it more stressful than it should be. My mom has even communicated with FMIL and they say they understand, then go back in a circle. It's nice to know that I am not alone in going through this, but it sucks that this is even a situation that some FMIL's put you through...

We have a very limited amount that we can invite (150 for plated dinner service) so I cut out most cousins and their parents because it is more important to have close friends than extended family that I don’t talk to more than once a year but today I find out that FMIL wants to invite her closest girlfriend (FIL are paying for the majority of the wedding but that’s because they are finding as much as they gave to fiancés sisters’ wedding, was not asked for). Now feeling like I had to give up spots for people I care about for FMIL’s friends and that bums me out. If it was just for fiancés family, I would have no issues, but for friends of FMIL, I’d rather not have their money

I genuinely don’t get why some people (lots of times MILs but not always) seem to think a wedding is an excuse to have a family reunion. It most definitely is not!! It’s about who YOU and ya man want there. Not MIL’s second cousin once removed. I say shut that crap down for sure. It’s not her day and not her call to make all these extra invites!