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SLY
Master January 2022

Mother Isn’t Getting It

SLY, on December 28, 2020 at 11:52 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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Hello everyone!
I’m at a loss at what to do now. We’ve decided to cancel our engagement party that was set for Jan. due to covid cases rising in our area. We don’t feel it’s safe to have one at this time, and the hosts will throw us on next fall.

That being said, my mom is now upset and thinks we did this because we’re siding with my fiancé’s family. (His brother and SIL were the hosts and the SIL is now 5months pregnant). A lot of drama and miscommunication was involved in planning this party and I’m honesty relieved that we’re cancelling.
I’m just frustrated and hurt because once again my mom has brought up this idea she has in her head. She thinks we like his family more and that it’s family against family, when it’s not. I’ve explained to her multiple times that this isn’t the case, but she isn’t getting it.
Any advice on how to handle this. It hurts mine and my FH’s feelings that she thinks this way of us when it’s far from the truth.

12 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on December 29, 2020 at 3:55 AM
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    In the future, i recommend you withold information from her regarding how your in-laws feel about certain situations which you agree with.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    For example, don't tell her your in-laws thoughts on COVID. If you had cancelled the party and told her that it was completely you & your FH's choice and she had no knowledge of his family's views on COVID, then she may have responded differently
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    I get where you’re coming from, but it’s important to note that we told her cancelling was our decision, and told her that we came to that decision because both of our families have suffered from COVID, and we STILL have family that are positive. The fact that his SIL is pregnant is just another reason why we decided to cancel.


    I guess I worded it wrong. When I said she thinks we’re siding with his family, it’s purely because they were hosting it. She knows he and I made the decision. She’s just taken every aspect of this wedding and turned it into ‘his family against mine’. Thank you for your advice though.
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  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    Honestly, it sounds like your mom is "acting out" because she's afraid of losing you to his family or being excluded. She needs to change her perspective from an "us versus them" mentality to one of two families coming together -- but I don't know how you can do that except through communication. Has she met your fiance's family? Has she been involved in other aspects of wedding planning?

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Thank you for canceling on behalf of your sister in law being pregnant . I lost my baby boy at 5 months due to covid so thank you. regards to your mom just tell her that they are now apart of your family and it's nothing against you it's just that having an engagement party is not possible due to covid if she continues then just ignore her

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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    She has met his family last year for the holidays, but kept to herself and didn’t communicate much. It’s hard for us all to get together because we all live in different states.


    She’s had chances to be involved in wedding planning, but is negative about everything so I told her I’d distance her a bit from planning.
    She’s always had an immature way of handling things and always thinks that others are making her the bad guy. Other than communicating with her and assuring her that isn’t the case, we’re not sure how else to get it though to her.
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    I’m sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you.


    The thing is, is that’s just one part of it. We have other family members that are still positive, and having a party right now is irresponsible.
    She told me she’s mad because she helped them find a venue for it and now they’re cancelling it, but we’ve already told her it wasn’t their decision but ours. She just can’t seem to get that ‘them vs me’ mentality out of her head, so it’s getting difficult to deal with her.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    This is exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes it is hard for women to let go a little bit. Have you sat down with her to ask her why she feels this way? Is this normal for her to invent things in her head about situations?

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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    Unfortunately she lives in another state, so we can only communicate through the phone. But she’s done this with everyone I’ve dated, and even with friends. She’s explained her reasoning being that we hardly see her, but I’ve also explained to her that it’s not possible for us to fly to see her every few months, let alone take off work for it.


    It’s just something we’ll have to keep talking about. Hopefully she’ll get this chip off her shoulder.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Ahhhh so it is who she is. I have noticed some women are just like that and are very sensitive. My friend's FMIL is the same way where she over reacts. Can she fly to come see you? I think best to limit conversation about wedding stuff with her which sucks because you want to be able to talk with your mom but if it happens again maybe express how hard it is to discuss things with her when she acts this way but she may not change who she is.

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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    She usually comes to see us because it’s easier and she can afford it. She thinks we take more time for my FH’s family, but they live in the same state as us which is why it seems that way.


    I’ve told her that I won’t include her anymore if she keeps acting like this. Hopefully it helps her understand. Thank you!
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    You can only firmly repeat the reasons, and change the subject.

    Don't come up with further explanations, don't indulge her wanting to talk about it, just say, "it was our decision. We did not feel safe." And then talk about the weather.

    I'm sorry.

    I know what this is like.

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