Mother of the bride

Are you planning the wedding then? The process of getting actual final estimate on prices from vendors can be difficult. There are also threads on tipping vendors during or after the reception.

Check some of the threads that people have posted about the vendors and about dress shopping -- whatever you will be involved with.

I was the MOB and helped daughter plan her wedding. We paid about 75% of the total cost, SIL's dad paid about 20%, and the B&G paid about 5%. Daughter and SIL wanted a fairly traditional wedding. Daughter and I started by Googling cost of wedding calculators for our geographical area (and nearly had a heart attack when it came back at $30,000+... ). Initially, I was sure we could do it for less -- maybe $20,000 -- hahaha. It didn't take long till we adjusted the budget to $30,000. In hindsight when all was said and done, we came in at about $32,000 for a Saturday night wedding at a lovely venue with 100 guests (that total didn't include the rings, honeymoon, shower, FOB's and my clothing, etc.). Daughter researched venues in our area (SoCal) and ended up making appointments at about 10. After visiting, she put together a spread sheet and tried to compare costs on an apples to apples basis (every venue prices things differently, so you have to figure it all out), and we were very surprised that for 9 of the 10 venues, the total costs didn't vary by more than $1500. The one outlier was the least inclusive -- more work for us at a higher cost? Nope! Daughter took that one off the list immediately. Of those remaining, daughter clearly had a favorite, so that's the one we booked. Once we had a pretty good idea what the total venue costs were going to be (including ceremony and reception sites, all furnishings, linens, dishware, lighting, altar, food & beverage, staffing, tax, tip), we knew how much of the budget she had left for the other big items (e.g., photography, DJ, flowers, invitations/papergoods, her dress, etc.); she made a rough budget of how much she'd be able to spend on each of those categories and then she got to work researching options. Some tips that helped: their wedding was in January and the venue gave them a discount for that (I think it was about $5000), she comparison shopped/used coupons/etc. wherever she could (her photographer offered discounts for paying in full and something else [I think about $1200 worth of discounts...], and we took advantage of those [he had been the photographer for her best friend's wedding, so daughter felt comfortable with paying in advance]), she found a small local cupcake shop that also did wedding cakes (we paid about $3 a slice vs the $8-10 all the "wedding cake bakeries" were charging -- and it was delicious and exactly what she wanted), she went with a DJ that had a lot of experience at her venue and a great personality and he was awesome, daughter found her florist on WW or The Knot by specifically looking for reviews that mentioned "lower cost" & "budget friendly" and the woman did a wonderful job for at least $1000 less than other quotes we got. I'd say, start with a clear understanding of what the total budget is, then be realistic about what your options are to meet that number. We tried to track everything and stayed just about where we expected to be (the $2000 overage from the original budget was mostly daughter & SIL deciding to hire a videographer that they paid for). Daughter and I had SO much fun planning and were both a little sad when it was over. They had exactly the wedding they wanted -- it was beautiful and very fun, and they were surrounded by everyone that really mattered to them. Good luck!

Overall, I'd say push the bride in planning with her FS as equal partners. Anyone who expects less is setting themselves up for a poor division of labor and power in their marriage. As a MOB though you can partake in all the joy of choosing BETWEEN colors, fashion, etc, anything the partner does not want to get into the details too much. And just because your Mom doesn't mean you have to DIY if that's not your skill. Delegate to vendors, don't stress yourselves out. Last, if you're paying, you DO get a say, but try to let the couple lead as they are trying to start their conjoined life. Best wishes to your families.