My 40 year old boyfriend is moving out of state and refuses to propose

You are very young and have plenty of time to get married and have a family. Don't settle for someone who makes you feel worthless!! He is at a completely different place in his life than you are and may feel burned by his brief marriage.

You have made it clear where you stand and he has made it clear where he stands. He's not going to change.

You're 24. Go live your life! Start your career. Meet people who are closer to your age and interests. Don't put pressure on yourself or others to get married on a schedule.

I wouldn't avoid people just because they have been married before (we've all made mistakes). Keep an open mind, but pay attention when people tell you who they are and what they want, even if it isn't what you want to hear. This can be a learning experience if you let it. The only thing worse than spending 2 years dating someone you don't have a future with is marrying someone you don't have a future with.

Wishing you the best!

Well, you can't force someone to propose if they're not ready. Maybe he just has a lot on his mind with the imminent job change/move. But he also doesn't need to give you an excuse for why he isn't/hasn't proposed. That's a highly personal decision, and he doesn't need to propose again just because the situations are slightly similar. You just can't expect that.

Have you had an honest conversation with him about where the relationship is headed? When you say you want to get married what does he say? If he is open to getting married again, you can either be patient and wait until he's ready to propose, or you can move on and start over with someone else. Though there are no guarantees they will propose at all or in the timeframe you expect...

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much Caryn for the quick and thoughtful reply. You are right - I shouldn’t be closed off to people just because of their past mistakes but I should also try and enjoy life and my youth without putting a time on it. I have felt really empty in my relationship lately it’s almost like he’s searching for the ALL the flaws and reasons to not marry me instead of the opposite. I pray I meet my soulmate because it’s becoming increasingly clear he might not be the one.

View Quoted Comment Yes I’ve tried having an honest conversation with him and he tells me that there’s no way I won’t have an engagement ring beyond 25 but when we met when I was 22 ( I didn’t care much for marriage then) he would tell me things like aw he’s going to marry me and how he won’t even wait up to six months. I boil it down maybe to my naïveté but I felt like because of the way he’d speak I’d fill my head up with all sorts of expectations that never got met.

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If you're not planning on moving with him (without the commitment of an engagement), I'd have one final "where is this headed conversation" to gauge where his head is currently at, and make your decision based on what is said. Just know you will be fine either way.

Hello Lulu. I'm sorry to hear you felt worthless in your relationship. No person should ever feel this way. Remind yourself his choices are his, and not a reflection of your worth. You spoke of his accolades, but what are yours? When are you going to give yourself credit? Now is the time to fully explore your interests and your money. When you make your own money and choices, watch new, better beaus line up.

Yes, love is from actions, but men tell you what they want. So you should listen. He will not change his mind. He may call you when he's lonely because Washington is a dreary, rainy, unfriendly state. Don't cave. I was like your Ex, and moved for my career all over the world. No one I dated in my 20s and 30s I took seriously. And then I was ready . . . My first thought was that he love bombed you in that 1 month of courtship. Weaker men do this when they date out of their league. Move forward with your head held high because there's nothing but better love (incl. self-love) and partnership ahead for you. They say 60 days no contact will change your perspective. Good luck to you.

View Quoted Comment Michelle thank you so much. You’ve made me feel a lot better. I do have this tendency to put other people before myself which leads to me getting hurt. It’s time to take care of myself and my life and hope for the best … even though it might be hard in the beginning ♥️

I 100% believe that if a man wants you, he will be clear about his intentions and make the effort. it might be time to move on and find someone on the same page as you. Someone that makes you feel appreciated and worth it

I’m all for everyone else’s advice above me. I’m around your age too and will be getting married in 2024. If you really believe in your heart and gut that he’s not right for you anymore, I would trust your instincts. Especially if he’s moving away and from what it sounds, you really don’t want to move with him if you’re not engaged. Stand your ground for what you believe in. There’s nothing wrong with breaking up because of that reason. I’m all for finding your place in yourself and career before settling down or even seeing someone new. Stability is key to me, even before I was engaged. Someone else said it already, but you guys are both in separate places in life, so live your life! And most importantly be happy

View Quoted Comment He keeps telling me before my birthday next year I’ll have an engagement ring on my finger. I don’t know if it’s me and my pressure or that he’s not ready because I give him a lot of myself outside of a marriage 😞

A friend followed her guy to another state and hoped it would turn into marriage. I think it is too risky to uproot your life to follow him to another state. This demands sort of a commitment to that new location without a commitment from him.

It then gets messy if he sort of misses you and makes promises -- if you stayed behind. Those promises would be just a reaction to his emotions and may not reflect a change that he would have made otherwise.

Honestly, I think it’s a good sign that he isn’t repeating old patterns. You said he proposed to his ex-wife because he was moving. It sounds like he made a rash decision because he did not want the relationship to end. Obviously, that is not the right reason to marry someone; and the dissolution of the marriage is further proof of that. It sounds like he has grown and learned from his mistakes, and is not trying to repeat them with you. Have the two of you spoken about what your relationship looks like when he moves for this job? Are you planning to move with him? Are the two of you planning to remain long distance? If you love this man, and you feel he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, I would focus on those things rather than getting a ring. He has made his intentions of marrying you clear, so I would just relax and believe him at his word. What if he is trying to plan a grand proposal for you, and you keep pressuring him and ruining it? Or, perhaps he still plans to marry you, but he doesn’t want it to feel rushed (i’m sure he has a lot on his plate with switching jobs and moving), or as though he is repeating the same pattern he did with his ex-wife (because for many women, that would feel like a huge red flag).

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your comment Michael but I’m definitely not moving in with him. I don’t believe in cohabiting before marriage for myself personally. He has made his promises and I have given myself a personal ultimatum and timeframe for him

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Hmm. Making you wait until you're 25 is strangely controlling and arbitrary. Do you typically wait for him to make decisions for the both of you? I don't give a vague man much credit so I'm going to give different advice than Cece. If he hasn't already asked you to move into his new WA home, he does not imagine a future with you. If he has asked, you turned it down on principle, then why hasn't he proposed just to lock you down? Is he a beta fish unsure of his life in WA or does he think you'll wait for him regardless (your timeframe)? Or both? None of it inspires confidence in a stable relationship. Define and respect your own instincts and boundaries. You will always have you.

View Quoted Comment I understand where you’re coming from Michele but we are both Nigerian by nationality and I’m our culture people don’t move in together before marriage or an engagement so he wouldn’t ask me to move in and I wouldn’t accept because he hasn’t locked me down. My confidence for the relationship has gone down a little because obviously it doesn’t inspire confidence - a man leaving and the only thing he’s said is that we will continue growing in the relationship. It’s hard because he flies me out to see him but I don’t know… It just makes me feel like a side chick even though I’m the main chick 😂😂

Actions speak louder than words in any culture. This man claims to want to marry you, but he has not proposed. He is moving or has already moved. It seems obvious to me that his career is more important to him right now. I would break it off and start over. Pay attention to what he is doing or not doing. His words sound empty

View Quoted Comment You hit the nail on the head Peyton. Right now we are not currently talking especially because he said two days ago to me out of nowhere. “I would love to propose but I can’t”. We weren’t even talking about marriage/engagement. That hurt me a lot especially because I take so much care of him already.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much caryn! It’s becoming increasingly obvious he puts himself first and I need to start doing the same.

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Did he explain why “he can’t.” That doesn’t make sense to me. Why can’t he?

View Quoted Comment We’ve been fighting a lot for at least 3 months that’s why