My boyfriend proposed in the car with no ring

View Quoted Comment He just doesn’t want people that are not close to family to know about our engagement because he doesn’t like when people start gossiping about our private stuff, he just wants to do it with family, something more personal, I told him why does he care about what others thing or say and he just doesn’t like it because his had so many people around him that’s always gossiping about his stuff and it has brought negative to his life, we decided that we wanted something more in between us and our close family and well after we do get married obviously people is going to find out.

View Quoted Comment He doesn’t have many friends but we feel like a lot of gossip is going to go around if we do tell friends, we both decided that we wanted something more in between us and our family.

Well I will be honest, I'm a little concerned. I'm in no way judging your relationship, all I can do is speak on my experiences in life. Your FH sounds perhaps controlling. Him not wanting your family to know has me thinking that he's afraid they will talk you out of it. I would NEVER feel comfortable with my life partner telling me I can't share information, happy information, with my parents.


I would with a clear mind think about the positive and negatives about the relationship.

If he truly wants to be married, why on earth would he want to keep it a secret? That's the main issue here. If 2 folks really love each other but don't have the $ - or don't want to spend their $ - for an engagement ring, then they work that out and get plain bands, no biggie.

I understand your disappointment. It sounds like a move to keep you on the hook, but not making it public makes me wonder what the heck is going on? Best of luck as you navigate this.

Okay I'm fine with the no ring thing, and maybe he is that laid back guy and you knew this about him. I would go out to dinner and speak to him about it. Start by telling him how much he means to you, how happy you are to be looking forward to spending the rest of your lives together but need him to meet you half-way. Which is you want to feel happily engaged and at least tell your close friends,parents and siblings. If he is a private laid back person, I wouldn't post on social media(meeting him half-way) and wouldn't plan anything over the top but yes you have a right to celebrate your potential new beginning.

Secondly, you have to mentally prepare to be a wife my dear, there are going to be lots of issues and problems that come up and he's going to disappoint you again but you have to find a way to communicate with him. Learn how and the best way to do this. Mine is going out. For some strange reason when my fiance and I are not home we have better discussions over dinner, car ride etc. and try not talking down or using fault terms you did this, you did that. Try a different approach I think we can do better with communicating by ......, Babes I love that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, and Thanks for thinking I mean that much to you but I really want to feel like an engaged woman and talk with my best friend, and mom about it. I too have dreamt about this day etc.

I personally will rethink on married to someone that doesn’t even put an effort to marry me. I know ring is expensive but I don’t mind to have $50 ring from amazon as long there is something on my ring finger that make me feel I’m engaged. Also, family is sooo important and I know your family will be so disappointed about this. I think it’s a red flag. I’m sorry to say that 😟.

A lot of people discuss some lead-ins to getting married, then one proposes. No big deal production, no ring til later. And tell only family until they have lived with the idea, a few weeks or months. Traditional Engagement parties were often just dinner parties, some like family already knew, and the engagement was announced then. That was so much the common thing for a century that etiquette books described the how to do. stuff. Particularly common if the couple was not ready to set the date, or it might be more than a year. Come the time they actually started planning ( no where near as soon as many plan now) , that was the public announcement time. Most often 9-12 months out. Though the proposal may have been a month or up to 2-3 years before. In a lot of places, where people don't Identify much with Reality TV stuff, weddings are still fairly traditional. So it is not bizarre, or unheard of amongst very normal and healthy relationships. If you get round to a ring, and ready to obviously start planning, then an announcement should be made. Or I would wonder what's going on. So many people treat you differently when engaged. And his peers at work and general friends may include people with unfunny jokes, and teasing that borders on a hazing process. Make it your own delicious little secret, enjoy knowing. And when ready, do the ring and a public announcement. We were in college when my first husband and I got engaged. And at least 15 Dartmouth Juniors and seniors turned into mean, juvenile pranksters. Not his few close friends. But about 12 in the same dorm hall floor group, most of them. And a few of them and others in small classes in his major. Like suddenly moving in to a strange frat house. Vicious, disguised as , we are just kidding. Not funny. Just no one else around good for picking on at that time. Twice they paid and sent 2 hookers, to prepare him for marriage. Hanging pantihose and stained panties and pads ( beet juice by the smell, not blood) over his shower bar, or arranged hanging out over his windowsill, so he would see them as he approached his dorm. I did not live there. But it was bad enough so though they would not do anything about it, they let him move. Sadly, FI may know what his co-workers or neighbors are like. And just not want to deal with it. Exactly as he says. But, congratulations! Read all the posts on WW about BP chosen right after an engagement, who have lost all interest or pretense of support long before the big event. You might find a virtue in not making it public, while quietly planning in the background, til near 9 months or less, then announcing, picking BP, and doing the whole public thing. Time to make decisions based on you joint future, make a financial plan and start saving, with no one but family looking on.
You may get your nice words, or special dinner out, and get your ring, in time. Though a lot of people never do ( find demeaning, not romantic) the whole down on one knee thing. A lot of people are not in to old knights and nobility stuff. It is really only a cultural expectation in some European and American ethnic groups. Others of us find it appalling. But do other romantic things. I got my ring weeks after we got engaged, quietly after a long Friday workday. The surprise was not a super planned proposal. It was packed bags and a 3 day reservation in Montreal, a few hours north of us. And a river cruise with dancing. Something special. Just not a TV or fairy tale thing. Real life romantic .

In my opinion, I think the problem is not so much the lack of ring. When me and my fiance decided to get married, there was no ring involved in that moment. The ring meant nothing. I love him, he loves me, and when we got engaged in July of 2018 that was all that mattered, ring or not. But if my fiance told me that he didn't want me to tell me to tell my family about getting engaged and plans to get married, I would be very bothered by that. Why would he not want me to share such happy news to family and friends? So, that's my concern with this to be honest. I hope everything works out for you.

I would have a serious discussion with him and let him know how you feel. All seems a bit odd to me in my opinion.

I say this because it has happened to me . The secret no .you deserve to scream to the clouds that you are getting married. Not fair to you . Flag . Now the ring isn't that important he may be doing payments or something. So my situation was I couldn't tell know but it was because 1 he just didn't want me to be with someone else . said right. I have recently gotten engaged no ring but we are planning together.

For me this is all one big red flag and I would be running for the hills! You deserve better, don't settle!

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What kind of gossip? If these are friends who love and support you, they won't be gossiping. Why would he be afraid of you telling the people who are closest to you about such a happy and monumental life event?

I'm really not trying to rain on your parade, but there are LOTS of red flags around this guy. The secrets, the controlling who you can and can't tell, and the disregard for your feelings is what stands out to me. I would consider long and hard if you want that type of person being your life partner!

So long as you and your SO are communicating and on the same page with your decissions, that is what is important. I personally think that hiding things will possibly create more drama later but if he has good reasons for this request then you are being very kind in honoring it.



Just make sure you are not sacrificing the things you deeply care about. If having all of your friends ooh and ahh over a ring is something you really want then make sure he knows that. If you are OK with essentially eloping and telling everyone afterwards, then make sure you get those experiences you want after the fact (a celebratory brunch/event with friends where you announce that you eloped and are married and they can ooh and ahh over a ring AND a wedding band).

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Agree with this.unless ... the parents dislike him.

However proposing without a ing is not a big deal. The ring is not a requirement and it doesn't make the egagement valid or not.

We personally did't have any engagement ring and didn't even have a traditional proposal. We used to discuss marriage and one day, we agreed to get married, no ring untill we put our wedding band at the end of the ceremony, nobody went down on 1 knee, we were seating on the couch and that's it!!