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Just Said Yes September 2022

My dad wants my toxic/abusive step mom to marry me and my fiancé on wedding day

Alex, on February 4, 2022 at 11:36 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9
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This sounds like a no brainer, but I can assure you that it’s not. I actually want my step mom to marry us. I will explain why. To summarize my childhood that I had with my dad and step mom, is basically she was a stay at home mom, my dad worked and was barely home. She physically abused me and my siblings, pulled me out of high school to an online charter school to make me help her with a “baby sitting gig” that she was doing to earn money. She had stole money from all of us kids and blamed each other, she starved us and locked me in a room for weeks at a time without being aloud to come out. I was a prisoner. I turned 16, my mom finally got custody, and things got a lot better for me. My step mom knows what she did in the past was severely wrong and my dad doesn’t like confrontation so he doesn’t like to talk about our childhood. Fast forward, I’m engaged to the man of my dreams, I told him about my horrible past with my step mom, but I had forgiven her a long time ago as when we do visit them, she goes out of her way to make the best of it. I can tell she tries and that she does care about us. I can tell (my dad doesn’t like confrontation, so he’s bad with expressing feelings) that he feels left out of the wedding stuff, and he had brought up having my Step mom marrying us for the wedding. This is the most my dad has ever wanted to talk about wedding planning with me as I have been doing it by myself. I lit up with joy because I knew that it would mend our somewhat broken relationship and I know my step mom would be honored. My Fiancé hates the idea because of what she did to me and my siblings, even though I told him that I forgave her a long time ago. I really want her to marry us as I think it’ll help my dad and my step mom to feel included in the wedding, which makes me stoked! Please let me know what you guys think. Should I have her do the ceremony? Or am I crazy?

9 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on February 5, 2022 at 8:50 AM
  • A
    Dedicated April 2023
    Ashley ·
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    You're not crazy since you forgave her.
    However, if your fiance is uncomfortable with this idea, this is something to keep in mind. In case he would reluctantly accept, he would still be hunappy and who wants their partner to be unhappy on their wedding day? In your situation I wouldn't have step mom officiating but maybe he isn't convinced that you totally forgave step mom and you're only wanting this to please dad?
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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2022
    Alex ·
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    To maybe rebuild my step moms and my dads relationship.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    You can forgive her if you wish, but abusers generally do not reform their behavior and will always see themselves in the right and everyone else is inferior. This is not your father’s place to dictate this if you are uncomfortable or questioning the idea. Personally, the ptsd and anxiety would not allow me to relax and be comfortable if I was in that situation. You need to learn to set boundaries and other people need to respect those. Your fiancé needs to support your decision and be a united front with you.



    I would not want anyone like that in attendance, period, and definitely not as the officiant. You need to follow your gut and be safe with whatever you decide.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I'm not sure why your father abandoned you into the care of your abusive stepmom, and in my mind he doesn't get a say in any of this. It feels like you need the approval of these people. Not sure why. I would recommend therapy for you, I hope you heal from what sounds like a terrible time.

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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    I m so sorry you went through that but happy to hear you have found happiness. Forgiveness is a great thing but forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean they have to have an active role in your life again. Its ok to keep her in the background at this point she should feel blessed to even receive an invite. From you fiancé's point of view this is a person who physically hurt and manipulated the person he loves for years. I can't blame him for not wanting her to marry you I am actually impressed he can be in the same room with them both. I would find someone else and instead of being worried about the past focus on building your future with your fiancé. Best of luck to you!

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  • K
    Dedicated May 2019
    Kylie ·
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    All that matters is yours and your fiancé’s opinion, and he sounds he loves and respects you and doesn’t want your wedding ceremony tainted by someone who abused you. And the fact that he’s uncomfortable with it is all that matters. Find a different officiant.
    And I promise you, the healthiest way to rebuild a relationship is through repeated mutual understanding and boundary respecting, not one-off “moments”. Letting her officiant your wedding wouldn’t fix anything .
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think the fact that you have found forgiveness in your heart for such atrocious behavior is incredible and commendable. However, I don’t think this person has earned a position of honor in one of the biggest events of your life. The only reason you have cited wanting her to marry you is to make your father happy and feel more included. I don’t think this is the right way to do that. Your wedding should be about you and your fiancé, and he has made it very clear he’s not comfortable with this decision. You need to first focus on honoring your partner and his wishes (not your father’s). There are a ton of ways to involve your dad in your wedding that don’t include honoring an abuser and making your partner feel uncomfortable; I would explore those instead. Remember, this day is completely about celebrating the love and commitment between you and FH! You can use any other day on the calendar to try to mend old relationships.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    It isn’t your job to mend the brokenness between you and your father. He allowed someone to abuse you for years and did nothing to stop it or protect you. While I think it is great for your own healing that you’ve found a way to forgive them, I am with your fiancé on this. Someone who abused you has no business being honored at your wedding, no matter who they are.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    They will have to do this themselves. You are not responsible for them.

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