My fiance wants his ex's brother in-law in/at our wedding

My fiancé’s ex’s brother is a groomsman. No I’m not happy about it but they grew up together and were deployed together multiple times. I thought about what if the roles were reversed and I had dated my BFF’s brother, would I not want her to stand with me anyway? I decided I’m actually fine with his ex’s brother watching him marry me instead of her. Just because the brother stands as a groomsman doesn’t mean I have to be friends with him or communicate with him. And I’ll never see him again anyway. I respect my fiancé’s wishes and I’m not gonna let anything ruin our special day. I in no way think you are overreacting and I get it 100%. But I think letting this come between you just gives the ex more power over your happiness.

I personally agree with you. It would make me feel some type of way also. Like if he wants to be friends with him that’s fine, but to me, keeping in touch with the ex’s family is a little bothersome.

I do not think you are overreacting but I also that he has a reason to want him as a groomsman.

If the roles were reversed, and he told you that you couldn't invite one of your best friends to be in the wedding, would you be ok with that? I get that you find the situation awkward but I know people who are still friendly with their ex's families. I'm actually having my ex's mother walk down the isle with the rest of the moms because she and I are close and she's a big part of me and my children's lives. She comes to our house for holidays and birthdays. My ex and I also have children together so that's probably a big part in it but she's still actively in our lives.

I'm probably the odd one here but I have to agree with your fiancé. I don't see an issue with him choosing his side of the bridal party and wanting his friend to be up there with him, even if his friend is related to his ex. I think he wants you to meet him so you can be comfortable around his friend, like most people do, but if you don't want to get to know him, he shouldn't push it

View Quoted Comment You can be cordial, no matter how you feel about anyone. I have to do it all the time.

I guess I’m the odd one here but my ex-husband and FH’s ex-wife(20 years each marriage) are both invited to our wedding along with their dates and some of their families. Maybe I don’t mind as much because we have kids together. Maybe it’s because I’m older or it’s my second marriage.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would at least meet them and see how I felt from there. Your fiance has history with his ex brother in law and is obviously close enough with him that he wants to include him in the wedding. It's obviously bothering you and your feelings matter, but I think you should give it a chance in meeting them and go into it with an open mind before writing them off completely bc of their association with his ex. It's not like his ex wife will be at the wedding.

He doesn’t want to invite his ex, just a friend who happens to be married into her family. While I can see why you find this awkward, I also think you should meet the guy and let it go. Your fiancé is marrying you and seems to want you to meet all his friends. That is a great thing, and honestly I would take it as a very good sign of his commitment to you as he’s not trying to have secret friends because they’re connected to his ex. We all take things from failed relationships. Sometimes it’s life lessons, sometimes it’s a physical thing like a sweatshirt. But you’re also allowed to keep your friends you made from a failed relationship. I think you should give the guy a chance and start thinking of him as a friend instead of the ex’s brother in law.

I don’t think you are overreacting. However, I think personally it would matter to me if they were friends before your FH dated her. If they were then that makes a difference in my opinion. If they weren’t, then it would definitely bother me more. I do think meeting him would be important. It’s clearly important to your FH. You don’t have to like him or be his friend, but I do think you should at least extend the courtesy of a chance. Also, you said “bring her” to the wedding. Are you talking about GM’s wife or his sister? That part was unclear.

If he was asking his ex to be in the wedding, yeah I'd be pissed. But his ex's brother-in-law? I don't see the big deal. It sounds like they have a friendship that's clearly outside of his relationship with his ex if you've been with him two years and they're still friends. I don't think it's fair to tell your FH who HE can have as HIS groomsmen if this person hasn't done anything to you, let alone someone you've never even met. Again, if he was trying to force you to be friends with his ex, totally different ballgame. But I think you need to stop viewing him as his ex's brother-in-law and just see him as his friend, why does it matter if he used to date his friends sister-in-law if she's not coming to the wedding?

It is definitely odd. I know I was bothered by my husband's ex reaching out to him on our honeymoon to congratulate him on getting married. I didn't even know she knew he was getting married, but I'm guessing her best friend told her. His ex's best friend is married to a friend of my husband's. The best friend and her husband attended our wedding. I get along with the best friend though. I was more bothered by the ex reaching out because this is the same ex he hooked up with when we broke up for two months. I have had to be around her before since she is part of his friend group good and it was so uncomfortable. She thought they were going to get back together after they hooked up, but instead him and I got back together. While I understand you are uncomfortable with it, your fiance is obviously very good friends with he brother-in-law and it isn't his fault your fiance dated his sister-in-law. I would try to understand that this guy is important to your fiance and how he knows him really shouldn't matter especially since it's not like your fiance is inviting his ex and all of her family. He is inviting someone he considers a good friend who just happens to be the brother-in-law of your fiance's ex.

I am in a similar situation, but on your FH end....As my FH was told in counseling, ask yourself these questions: Do they respect you? Do they respect your relationship? Are they happy for you? If the answer is yes to all of these, you have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for all of the in-put. I will try to have a more open mind about this, as hard as it is going to be. I guess another issue I am having with this is that this guy is married to my fiance's ex's sister and will more than likely bring her to our wedding also. I just feel like I will be judged by her and compared to her sister and I don't want to deal with that, especially on my wedding day. I am trying to find the strength to not care what she thinks or to feel this way but its hard.

I don't think you're over reacting. It's natural to feel uncomfortable. However... I'd let it go :x if that's his friend he wants there with him.. it's not really a battle I'd want to try to win if ya get me. Your feelings are totally valid though.

I think he gets to pick his groomsmen and you don't get a say in who they are. Sure, feel weird about it, but it's not like your FI's ex is still in his life or will be at your wedding. Even if she were, he's marrying YOU. Feel weird, and then back off - it's his bridal party.

This is his day as well and I personally think it’s kind of selfish for you to not allow one of his close friends to be apart of this big moment in your lives regardless of the history. I would try to be more understanding. We have too much other things to worry about than drama.

I think you are overreacting, greatly. Not wanting the ex is fine. But to blacklist all her relatives and her relatives by marriage, when some are important to your fiancé, is simply wrong. They have done nothing offensive. If my husband said I could not choose my preferred wedding party because they were simply relatives of my ex, I would not have married him. Too bizarre and controlling. You don't punish relatives of someone you dislike. You don't dictate whom your FI is friends with.