My Fiancé Won’t Tell His Ex We’re Engaged

View Quoted Comment

Dang Sarah, all I do is agree with you! LOL. Completely 100% agree with this.

I personally would hold off any wedding planning or even being engaged until he figures this out. You've only met his child twice? Doesn't that seem weird since you'll become her stepmother? I would deal with this, through deep conversations or maybe couple's counseling, prior to wedding planning.

View Quoted Comment His daughter is 9 and she’s only known her parents to be together so he’s trying to be really sensitive to that along with her dealing with ptsd from finding her great grandmother after she passed. But I feel like he’s trying to make it seem as if I’m making him choose between them and me because I absolutely can’t plan a wedding without having a relationship with her. He’s also trying to keep his ex happy because they haven’t been to court for custody or child support etc and he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He won’t let her know where we live and absolutely hasn’t even told her we live together at all. It’s seriously a mess.

View Quoted Comment Your problem isn’t his ex. Your problem is your FH.

He hasn’t been honest about your relationship at all with the mother of his daughter but you think she’s to blame for you not having a relationship with her? No. That’s his fault. He needs to man up, be honest with her, go to court to get custody in order, and THEN after all that you can maybe decide to get married and be in his daighter’s life.

View Quoted Comment Ugh.

Okay so im going to try and be more positive than I was in my last reply since I genuinely do feel for you and have been where you are and still had a good outcome.

FH was also in the middle of custody, child support, DIVORCE ( they had been separated for 3 years tho) when we met. His ex was awful to him even while married..very vindictive and would use their child against him...so he was very gun shy when it came to upsetting her. For the first 6 months of us dating he didn’t want her to know I was his gf, he told her we were just friends. He also didn’t want the boys to know we were more than friends (which I was fine with because I also wanted to make 100% sure it was working before we involved them in that aspect).

I understood at first but around the point when it was like “ okay we’ve been together for this amount of time...either we want to commit to this and continue dating or we go our separate ways” I gave him an ultimatum. As awful as it sounds, I had to tell him that either her feelings were more important or mine were. I also had to reassure him that no matter what crap storm started because of it I would be there by his side to help him endure it. Sure enough it was the start of apocalyptic battles but we got through them and kept the kids out of it.

FH is the most amazing man I’ve ever known and we really have the best relationship I could ever ask for. So while it’s easy for all of us to bash your FH, I will be the one to give him the benefit of the doubt that he really does love you and want you in his daughters life but he has a hard decision to make and is scared of the outcome. But I do stand firm that he should have made that decision long before proposing to you. I think you need to have a sit down, heart to heart with him and explain that you would never make him choose between his daughter and you, but that he does have to choose between his ex’s feelings and yours. Also I would tell him if he’s not ready for everyone to know you’re engaged, then you guys aren’t ready to be engaged.

if you ever need to talk I’m here to listen. This stuff is hard.

View Quoted Comment

They've obviously not been together long enough for you to live with him and be engaged, so it hasn't been her whole life. He's not paying child support, so he wants to keep his ex happy so he won't have to go to court? That's what this boils down to. If she doesn't know you exist, she won't get pissed and take him to court. No thanks, I'd pass on that one. We're together totally, or not at all. Not just when she's not around so he won't have to go to court for child support.

Oh have I been there, done that with the crazy ex. And FH's daughter was 9 at the time as well (his boys were older and saw right through the moms crazy). I have 3 children also, but my ex and I never argue about who does what, we just do what is best for the children. His ex could not get that through her head and lost her mind when I came into the picture. 5 years later she still hasn't found it and we've had full custody of his daughter for the last 3. She sees her mom a couple times a year, if she wants to. She got tired of the lies and manipulation from mom.

Here is the deal....he needs to get the custody on paper, ironed out ASAP. FH's ex was perfectly fine before me (well, I tend to think he just let her have whatever she wanted, but he thinks no LOL) She actually RAN FH OVER because he was trying to iron out Easter plans and she didn't want to talk about it. Do not let your situation get this out of control. Getting the court order was a must for our relationship to proceed. I was not going to feed into the drama and the whims of her changing her mind about holidays, etc and acting a fool. It was a year of daily documenting phone calls, texts, etc. but all worth it in the end.

Second, if you are going to be this childs stepmother, she needs to be spending time with you and FH. Who knows what the ex is telling that child about you. Only in the last couple years has my step daughter opened up to me about what hell that time was for her and all of the lies that her mother was telling her about me. It was awful. I was very careful to build a relationship with her that was solid and based fully on truth (something she had never experienced from her mother) and we are really good now. She respects me, I respect her. She is a great kid. But had we not been able to take the time to build that relationship and I just shown up as dad's new wife, that would have been a nightmare.

If the ex is keeping their daughter from FH as well with the whole "she's grieving" excuse, then he needs to put his foot down and demand time with his daughter. Sounds like she could use some therapy to deal with what she has been through. No matter how nice ex plays when the court order shows up, PLEASE go through with it and get it filed with the court so that there is nothing to argue over. It's black and white and done.

Someone once told me "These kids didn't ask for this. They didn't ask for their parents to split up. So don't make them a pawn in your game." And as hard as that is sometimes, I have really, really lived by that with both my children and his. It has made a world of difference.

Best of luck to you!

He needs to slowly introduce you. Does he not have her at his home ever? This girl is your future step daughter. I can't imagine my son not getting to know my FH before we got engaged.

View Quoted Comment

What does this mean: "He’s also trying to keep his ex happy because they haven’t been to court for custody or child support etc and he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He won’t let her know where we live and absolutely hasn’t even told her we live together at all. It’s seriously a mess." I would put any wedding planning on hold until he sorts this out. 1) He & ex need to figure out custody/support. Needs to be legal and in writing, not just "him making her happy." 2) The grandma/divorce thing sounds like an excuse. This didn't happen in the last few weeks or months, right? Maybe a year ago? Before you start wedding planning, you should have a relationship with his daughter--she will become your step-daughter. 3) He is also being insensitive to your feelings by not letting his ex know about you & the seriousness of the relationship. If he needs to hold off on saying "engaged" until the custody/support is figured out, that's fine but he needs to get on that pronto.

If you're the women he wants to marry then you need to have a talk with him, gently I might add, and let him know its bothering you. If your wedding isn't until 2 years from now its okay to wait a little bit to tell them as there is still time but eventually he needs to be the one to tell his ex "look were getting married, my child is still apart of my life and my FW needs to be apart of her life as well. I'm not going to keep her away from my daughter just because you don't like her." using their breakup as an excuse is really really lame. His ex's family shouldn't have any say in his new relationships. The only people he should have to worry about are his ex his daughter and you as his fiancé and if he decides it's okay for you to be around his daughter then so be it. The mother should not prevent that.

If he’s ready to marry you, then he better be ready to stand up for you especially to his ex. I understand having parents separate can be hard, but not allowing you to be involved before getting married could cause a lot of problems later on. Also death is hard, but it’s not really an excuse especially the one ex is making. A nine year old is old enough to be told the truth, it’s okay for kids to know their parents are seperated and moving on. Yes, be gentle about it, but don’t just ignore it and hope it goes away. You are not a problem that can be ignored. You’re not a problem at all. I think it’s time to sit down with FH and have a serious talk. Good luck!