My Fiancé Won’t Tell His Ex We’re Getting Married.

Yeah your fiance was in the wrong here. A child absolutely deserves to be informed that his dad is getting married/remarried and be able to talk through any feelings that go with that. Popping a wedding on a child is unfair. His mother also deserves to know so she can provide support to her child as he prepares for the trip, so it 100% is her business. Your FH is being unfair to both and needs to get his head on straight and have honest conversations

How do you not tell your 12 year old son you're getting married? The wedding is a month away and he's expected to attend.


Was the son supposed to show up at the wedding and learn that his father is getting married when he sees his father at the altar?
How would the outfit fitting not arouse suspicion?
Your FH straight up lied to you.
This is crazy avoidant behavior and terrible parenting. He probably didn't say anything because he didn't want to deal with fallout from his ex. Or he knew his son would be unhappy about this. He should have told his son. He should not have lied to you and let you take his son to a fitting and put you on the spot. Did he seriously think you wouldn't mention the wedding? This man is in serious denial or just doesn't care.
This is a red, red flag and it makes me question how he's going to coparent your son and his son. I would reconsider the relationship. I am sorry. This simply confounds me.

View Quoted Comment Also, should he be allowed to miss the wedding, considering the circumstances? I have real reservations about not including him in such a big milestone and what it would translate to later on but I don’t want to force it on him either. Its a lot to take in for a kid.

My husband is divorced from a previous marriage years ago and I have two step children and while I understand “It’s none of her business,” something like this definitely needs to be her business. At latest mentioning there’s a wedding and that he is flying to a destination. As for being in the wedding, your fiancée 100% should have asked his son himself to be in the wedding, just like he did every other person in the wedding party. It’s strange to me that he wanted to just spring it on him, and why? Was he afraid he wouldn’t go? Is he worried about his ex? Too many unexplained things... I would sit your fiancée down and have a serious conversation about these events and in more detail ask why he did not tell his SON at the very least.

What does the custody agreement say in regards to vacation? Mine with my ex is very clear- he gets 2 weeks (up to 9 days each time) of vacation a year. I must be given 60 days notice with an itinerary that includes travel dates and location. It also can’t fall within school time so he’s allowed to choose a school vacation or summer but not pull her out of school.


I think it’s kind of ridiculous he didn’t tell his son you were getting married and just expected he’d go along. That’s a really emotionally overwhelming change for a kid.

View Quoted Comment Agree many red red flags

When kids get told upfront about plans like this they have time to process and get excited. When it's sprung on them last minute it's really not a great thing.

I get hiding things from an ex if they've been spiteful in the past, lord knows there's enough horror stories out there of telling an ex you're getting married and they go off the deep end trying to change custody agreements, child support, and more.

That said, marriage changes a lot of things in a child's life and it's only fair to give the co-parent a heads up. You'll soon have a legal responsibility to this child and his mom has/had a right to know you're getting married.

Your FH is doing you all a disservice by not being upfront about the wedding, and if his son doesn't want to be there now that's his choice. You shouldn't force him to be there.

View Quoted Comment There’s no vacation stipulation in their custody agreement. They were never married. They have a very civil relationship otherwise. She picks him up from us every evening after work. We do the “weather” chitchatting and so on. Their parenting styles clash but he normally doesn’t pushback when she makes requests. What goes on in her house is her right, and the same for over by us. There have never been any ill words between me and her either. We even had her over a few times for wine or cake during other family members birthday, etc. We hosted their son’s birthday party at our house last year. My biggest issue is communication. I feel blind sided especially after he lied and said he spoke to his son.

Wow, fiancé definitely set off some red flags here. He lied to you about telling his son. Then his son was left (rightfully) upset when you told him. He also should at least out of respect tell his ex, but I get he doesn’t “have” to. But he does have to be honest with you. Does his parenting style align with yours? As you enter the teenage years with both kids do you see yourself on the same page? It seems like potentially not if he was willing to lie (by omission) to his kid about something so major.

The fact that he lied to your face and said that he told his son about you getting married and that that was what the trip was for is really concerning and a big red flag. Is he normally so conflict-avoidant that he will lie to avoid an uncomfortable situation?

View Quoted Comment You have every right to feel blind sided and I’d spend some time evaluating if this is someone you can raise your child with. If he can’t be honest with you (or his son) about this major life event, what else might come up that will be an issue.

View Quoted Comment Then it’s ofd that he is keeping it a secret?
Esp from his son. That’s nuclear level red flags he’s putting down. There has been no wedding talk when his son is around? Poor kid has been blindsided!

I mean...your son knows, right? He also was in on the secret keeping? This is just so sad for the poor kid.

I’m way less concerned that he didn’t tell his ex (weird but whatever) than I am about the fact that HE DIDNT TELL HIS 12 YEAR OLD SON ?! I mean....huh? That’s a fully formed human with opinions there and it’s unfair to just spring it on to him but on top of that WHY why would he not share that with him? A wedding is a big, *exciting* deal, and a big part of the lives of all of you, so to leave him in the dark is very very weird to me. His own family issues aside, I’d honestly take it a little personally, like, not enough excitement or not enough value placed on the marriage itself. I’m not saying I would walk away from the relationship or marriage, but I would put a wedding on hold until the son is on board, and I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable holding the wedding without him after it was sprung on him so late. Everyone is different for sure (ex I know there are people who have done surprise weddings and that’s just how they roll and it doesn’t mean anything terrible), but this requires a serious sit down conversation with fiancé , and it requires giving the son a little time and space to wrap his head around it all.

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I agree with everyone else about this situation saying *nothing* good about your future spouse. But also, I really feel for the kid and I don't think he should be forced to attend the wedding if he doesn't want to. He's 12 and should be allowed some agency. His hurt feelings about the way his dad has treated him are completely valid and should be respected.

Might he regret not attending later in life? Maybe, but that's not reason enough to force him to attend now.

Wow.

Yikes.

Okay.

So first, he straight up lied to you about something very important - telling his son. I presume this was because he didn't want to deal with you getting upset that he hadn't.

Second, he didn't tell his son.... because he didn't want to deal with his son's emotions, either. I am basing this purely on the fact that you said his son was confused and started to cry. Your fiancé must have known his son's reaction would be negative. (There could be a lot of reasons for that negative reaction, and we can only speculate - might be that he was blindsided, might also just be... being 12 years old finding out your dad is marrying someone other than your mom.)

As a result of both of those things, he put you in the uncomfortable position of dealing with his son's emotions - blindly, to boot, because you thought he had told him. Plus, I have to imagine this was super hurtful to you, to experience his son's negative reaction to the news out of the blue. This is why he should have told him, to temper the reaction before it got back to you.

Third, he didn't tell his ex... again because he doesn't want to deal with her reaction, I assume?

It sounds to me like your fiancé has a problem with facing other people's negative emotions. He hopes he can avoid them and make others deal with them. This is not good. This does not bode well for a future, either - how will he deal with literally anything else you will face as a married couple? Is he just going to lie to you every time he might have to deal with you being upset?

Counseling. Stat. And do not get married until you do. This is not a minor issue.

Your fiance is in the wrong he not only lied to you about telling him he hasn't told his son who is obviously upset about this, I would cancel the wedding and go to family counseling

Dave, am I correct in assuming you are a male? Please do not take offense to the question, as it is not my intentions. If you are in fact now in a SS relationship and getting married, it can be a lot for a child of that age to process, and he may need more time to accept it being a permanent arrangement. It also leaves a LOT of discussion to be had with your FH before you proceed with nuptials. It is the ex’s business, as they are a family wether they are together or not. It is a big step and it sounds like there was a lot of sneaking around and lying going on in this situation. I am sure his son feels betrayed by everyone involved(including your son) and that is not ok. It also is much worse because the ex is definitely going to be pissed off now that her son was told at the last minute and he is upset. I have to agree with the red flags here and say that if he is willing to hide something so momentous now, what will come later?

I see a lot of people saying red flag red flag. Honestly i think it could simply be that he doesnt want any drama. However he DID go about that wrong.

My fiance has kids from a previous relationship. We have been together 11 years, & getting married next year. The kids mom is literally terrible, legit baby momma from h*ll. So i totally understand the "its not her business" i think what he might mean by that is "its safer to not tell her anything because im not trying to fight with her" .. First off, no its not his ex's "business" that yall are getting married but i feel she should know. So that she can be expected to have respect for yall marriage, and just to be in the know. Its just a red flag of how your marriage could be. If he is avoiding conversations and facts just to appease her feelings, which would tear yall apart. Now if he just sincerely feels like its not her business then thats a different situation that i wouldnt worry so much about. Honestly my opinion, forget the ex, its the fact that he would put YOU in that position to break the news to his son that way. And lied about it! And based off how the son reacted, that should have came from his dad so he could have a heart to heart with his son to explain to him that he loves you, and the two of you will be getting married. Then allowing you the chance to talk to his son as a couple as well.

Just noticing that your name is Dave. Not sure if you are a woman or man, but if you're a man and hes marrying you, marriage could be a huge shock for his son, hence him crying.

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Totally agree. My fiances ex is the spiteful, bitter, jealous, crazzzzy ex! So he def for years did the whole "not say anything" bc he wanted to avoid drama. Which also avoided her being put in her place regarding respect. So it was sort of a good and bad.

However the kid i dont think should have been told in that way, i agree. I think he should have just told the ex in a casual way, let her know hes getting married soon and would love to talk to his son about it and would love to have him there.

Makes me wonder what else he might handle this way later down the road. Hopefully it was just a stupid mistake that he made as a man that didnt think with emotions.