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Just Said Yes November 2024

My fiancee proposed to me, but says he’s not ready for marrige.

P. S., on June 28, 2023 at 12:57 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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Hello, I am very frustrated lately and I though I could find some advices here. Me and my fiancee are together for 3 years. He proposed to me in May this year. I wanted it so much, so I was very happy. Everything was going good until I opened the question, which ofcourse goes hand in hand with the proposal - marrige and wedding. But everytime I try to communicate with him about the wedding he refuses to talk and says he doesn’t want a wedding soon, because its too much money. We once discused it that its going to be a very small one - only with really our closest and that our parents will finnance it. Everything ok. But the past these days I started to open the question more frequently as I am looking forward to it and am very excited. I havent stopped looking at dresses, places and everything and I havent stopped dreaming about these day. Yesterday I told him that we should start looking for a place for the next year and we started arguing. Now he said that HE IS NOT READY for marrige and kids and wedding. I asked him why did he proposed then, when he is not ready. And wtf does it mean I am not ready, when you have already proposed? That made me very dissappointed and sad. Shouldnt does things be things where both of the partners are excited about? Shouldnt this be a happy thing? I cant understand. He started yelling at me, acting like a child, telling me I put too much pressure at him? i was just happy to talk about our future together, i was so happy and excited as I talked about it..

12 Comments

Latest activity by Brenda, on July 6, 2023 at 9:15 AM
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think this is actually a pretty common thing that occurs. A lot of men see engagements as the next step of commitment. They know they want to marry you, and they are promising to do so. However, it doesn’t mean they are ready to start planning a wedding immediately. Whereas a lot of women, on the other hand, see a proposal as the starting gun for wedding planning. I would try to set the stage for a relaxing, romantic evening with your fiancé, where you can gently approach the subject. I would let him know right upfront that you are not trying to pressure him or rush into wedding planning, but you would like to set a date (even if it’s not an exact date, maybe just the season and year). Ask him when he feels he will be ready to say I do. Remember, there is nothing wrong with having a long engagement. We get the title of Fiancé for such a short amount of time, and so many women never take the time to sit back and enjoy it- they just rushed right into the whirlwind of wedding planning. Maybe your fiancé would like to take a year or two to just enjoy being engaged before starting the wedding planning process. And that’s fine. But you deserve to know his thoughts on the matter. A marriage is about both of you, and you both need to have a say in when/how it will happen.
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  • Keri
    Keri ·
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    Proposal = Ready for Marriage unless specifically stated. I've heard of couples deciding to have long engagements, usually to save money or finish school or something. But it's flat out wrong to propose and then get mad at your fiance for trying to plan a wedding. Like right? Am I crazy? This sounds just nuts to me. He should not have proposed if he feels that way. It's almost like he lied to you by proposing. A proposal means you want to be with the person forever... A wedding is just part of that. Geez. He needs a reality check.
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  • P
    Just Said Yes November 2024
    P. S. ·
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    Exactly. He also told me I’ve ruined everything and he is expecting me to apologize. I really just can’t understand what I have done so wrong with being excited for our future. Its every girl’s dream. And I can’t talk about it. I actually can’t ‘dream’ about it. Idk
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  • P
    Just Said Yes November 2024
    P. S. ·
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    Thank you for your answer, helped me calm down a little bit. But I just still see it weird that men can bring down women, when they are so excited about something..
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think being engaged is viewed differently by different people. Some people see it as, as soon as you get engaged you start wedding planning. Others see it as making a formal commitment and a formal promise to marry the other person, but not necessarily right now. When my Fiancé proposed to me I accepted, because I knew I wanted to marry him…. eventually. But I wasn’t ready to immediately set a date and start planning a wedding. I wanted to relax and enjoy being engaged before moving onto the exciting next step of wedding planning. Whereas my FH would have gotten married the same year. We sat down and discussed our ideal timelines, and he was incredibly understanding and accommodating my desire for a longer engagement. Like he said, the wedding and marriage is about both of us, so we both have to be ready and excited for it; neither one of us should feel rushed or pressured.


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  • Keri
    Keri ·
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    I hope you don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I think long engagements are fine if like you and your fiance did, if you sit down and talk about it. But if no one says they want a longer engagement and one person starts trying to wedding plan, it is still very wrong to get mad at and yell at that person.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    In the absence of a mutual discussion and decision to postpone wedding planning for whatever reason, the SO is the one who should be apologizing for his attitude and his temper. The traditional definition of an engagement and a commonly held view barring extenuating circumstance is that an engagement means you are ready and willing to plan a wedding. The way SO is reacting to OP's reasonable expectation is reprehensible to the point I'd be very seriously rethinking. He's immature, self centered and has a temper.

    If the SO had thoughts of wanting to delay he should have made that clear from the start, in a respectful way. His behavior is deplorable and qualifies as gaslighting.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Oh, absolutely! There is definitely no excuse for yelling at somebody for assuming a proposal meant they could start thinking about wedding planning!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Agree with this.

    OP, I would take note that your FI does not want to get married right now. It might be a good idea to get some couples counselling to work on your communication to make sure both of you feel heard. Currently, your ability to speak with each other sounds problematic. What if in future you have a disagreement? Will that result in you being yelled at again? Are you OK with a life of this?

    I hope it works out for you.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Put all planning on hold. Work with a couples counselor on how to navigate communication and other issues that you may be facing. Go from there.
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  • B
    Beginner February 2024
    Bernice ·
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    Hey there, that sounds tough. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated - you've been looking forward to this for a while! It sounds like you guys just need to sit down and have a good chat about everything, so you can figure out what the both of you want. Maybe try to give him space to express his concerns without jumping right into the plan-making. It sounds like he might just need a bit of time to process everything, so have patience and try to be understanding!

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  • Brenda
    Devoted October 2021
    Brenda ·
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    I had an ex once. He would psych me up and do things to make me believe one thing, then he'd get mad at me for "taking things wrong" and he'd tell me "this is your fault" and refuse to talk to me until I apologized to him.


    And I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but dang did this comment trigger some of those memories. He got you excited for marriage by proposing (a completely reasonable next step to a proposal), then when you start asking about wedding plans he tells you he doesn't know if he wants to get married, gets upset, then tells you that you've ruined everything and *you* need to apologize to *him*?

    This is just the proposal phase. What other life events will he twist back on you to make you the bad person? If talking to him alone doesn't work, I agree with a previous post about couples therapy. Because as it stands from the very limited information I've heard, I would not marry someone who twists things like this.
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