My Fiancé’s job is ruining our relationship

Try scheduling a date night and things to reconnect.

View Quoted Comment We try that but it always falls through because he works 3rd shift. His days off are funny and he’s always tired. ;”(

Have you considered couples counseling?

Yes,but with what time? He only gets 2 days off and he uses those days to sleep. He can sleep the whole day away. :”(

View Quoted Comment There’s no reason, even with 16 hour shifts that he needs to sleep entire days away even on his days off. If you’re that close to walking away, have you explained that to him? Both of you have to want to make your relationship work. If he and you want to make it work, you’ll find the time to do so, even if it means sacrificing something else (in this case, an hour or two of sleep).

Yes I have explained that to him and he gives me the same line of “I hate it too,this job is killing my passion for anything. There’s nothing I can do” At this point I feel like my hands are tied. I can’t make a grown man do anything he doesn’t want to do. So I’m torn.

I think everyone has different opinions on the matter, but I personally think that staying in love is a conscious decision that takes a lot of work. I completely understand your frustration and obviously things need to change for your needs to be met, but you also have to remember that this is a temporary season in both of your lives. He won't work crazy hours forever, he won't be on third shift forever, his career won't always be such a high priority. Remember that this is just as much a struggle for him as it is for you. This is what marriage is about, sticking it out through the hard parts.

Sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him explicitly how you feel. Let him know that your relationship needs to be a priority and work together to figure out how that can happen.

I hear you girl, I dated a cop who worked 3rd shift years back and he was the same way. I worked 7-3:30 and close to his house so I would go over after work and before his shift but the time we spent together was limited and there were enough times that I would be sitting in the apt. complex parking lot calling him and he just slept right though "our time" . It didn't work out, but not just because of that and we are still good friends. He no longer works that shift, is home with his family, and has time to live life outside of work. It does get better.

My FH also worked 3rd shift as a warehouse manager for a while, same deal (12-16 hour shifts, rotating RDO's, etc) and I felt like I never saw him even though we lived together. He missed every family function, we planned and cancelled most date nights, slept most of his RDO's away, we were rarely intimate because even on his RDO's he was just waking up as I was exhausted... we were both miserable, but again, it didn't last forever.

If you wanted to try counseling, I know there are a lot of online services now so you wouldn't even have to travel, it might make it a little easier to fit it in.

My brother in law is a cop and my sister (his wife) is a nurse so they work opposite schedules have a 1 year old and make it work. I know my brother in law has a very regular sleep schedule which helps him a lot. If he gets a good sleep schedule set up, he won’t need to sleep his entire 2 days off. I get 2 days off a week as well and could not imagine sleeping the day away. My brother in law will usually come home at 9am and usually sleep til the late afternoon then pick up the baby and can still function on the days off. Start with the sleep schedule, and if that doesn’t work I would seek counseling.

View Quoted Comment I hear you. However the effor cannot be one sided. I keep telling him how I feel at it seems to fall on deaf ears :”(

View Quoted Comment Oh man that sucks to hear. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand having a partner work third shift especially. It’s one of those things people have to experience for themselves. Thank you for understanding and your input.

View Quoted Comment Firstly I would like to say thank you to your brother for doing a hard job and keeping us safe. And yeah I’ll try to do so. It’s always like he’s running on empty and just passes out, and when I wake him he goes right back to sleep no matter what I do.

View Quoted Comment I think you need to have a super honest talk with him about this point. The effort needs to be two sided, everytime you want to talk about solutions he can't just provide an excuse as to why it won't work. I agree with other about counciling and helping him get on a more regular sleep schedule. But at the end of the day if he’s not willing to put in some effort than you need to decided if you want to remain in the relationship.

View Quoted Comment Yes,exactly. I talk to him everyday and I get hit with the same shtick.

View Quoted Comment Sleeping that much is not good, especially if he’s always running on empty. I would also recommend seeing a doctor about it to make sure there isn’t something “off” in his system that’s causing him to be so sleepy

View Quoted Comment I know that’s what I thought too. But the only thing the doctor said is he needs to drink lots of water and take a break because he has burnout. But we know in that field you can’t really take a break.

Your responses make it seem like there is no hope to salvage. Every time someone comes up with a suggestion you have a rebuttal.

If you don't wanna work it out, then do the right thing and end the relationship. If you want to work on it, then both of you need to stop making excuses and find a way to make it work.

He has a seriously demanding job. A job like that needs a partner that would stand by him through all the pressure it brings and understand that you sometimes wont be put first. As harsh as this seems, if you cant handle that, leave. I'm military and see wives and husbands leave troops all the time because they cant handle their spouse's job and the stress that comes with it. People in law enforcement, military, fire protection, etc. need someone who can stand by them and lift them up, not leave them when things get bad.

My husband is a Firefighter ... he works 4 on 4 off .. ( two day shifts - 2 night shifts ) and he’s always getting held or taking overtime- there has been times where we go two weeks without seeing each other bC our schedules don’t match up it sucks!! But it doesn’t make me feel any less in love with him to be honest it makes me love him more - I know he works so much to support our family and if he could change it he would. In my case this is soemting I’m going to have to deal with forever as his city’s schedule is neve going to change until he can make chief and work 9-5.. is there any room for your FH to switch shifts ?

It sounds like y'all NEED to make it a priority to schedule time to reconnect. Also, couples counseling could be very helpful. Relationships go through a numerous amounts of highs and lows, and honestly, sometimes y'all just aren't going to like each other...that is life. The relationships that last are the ones that refuse to give up. If y'all love each other, then giving it your all before calling it quits is the best thing to do...which means couples counseling. Having a third person help y'all work through things and see things from each other's perspectives can be the exact thing needed to get through hard times.