My Fiancé’s job is ruining our relationship

View Quoted Comment I understand that. It’s stressful on both parties. I’m trying as hard as I can to fight these feelings and work on it. Thank you

View Quoted Comment He’s talked to his supervisors on multiple occasions but they always screw him over. The fact that they’l are short staffed doesn’t help either.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your support! I guess I just need to get this off my chest to a group of people who understand. Thank you for hearing out my frustrations.

Is he a police officer or what does he do in law enforcement ? .. can he get a transfer or a job elsewhere ?

View Quoted Comment He’s a correctional officer and he’s trying to get a transfer,and if the transfer can come through it would be a miracle. My fingers are crossed

I'm sorry you didn't like my comment but it came from a desire to help. Sometimes we're so involved in the situation that we can't look at how our actions are also affecting the situation.

Best of luck.

We’ve been together for a long time and in that time there of been points that I worked incredibly difficult third shift and did sleep for my entire days off . Right now to pay for the wedding he’s working 12–17 hour days, 6 -7 days a week and had been for over 2 years... I miss him, he misses me... we get lonely and frustrated but I also know it’s what is best for us now and that we are committed to one another even through the very difficult times... but honestly if you’re going to spend 50 or 60 years together I agree with the previous posters Opinion that you choose to make a relationship work, you choose to stay in love with somebody, and you choose to make your relationship work even when things are difficult...

after 13 years together I have that confidence in him, me, and us...

However, you honestly feel like you described in the post I think that you guys should work together and create a situation that would allow him to change careers if you are both so unhappy as a result of his current choice of where to work... this is a hard path to walk though and you have to be prepared for some serious financial setbacks and potential he to delay your wedding for a long time because you can’t pay for it...

Can you honestly say you would be happier if you had more time together but I struggle to pay monthly bills and have money left to eat?

Or are you just feeling yourself as deserving of a ideal life and view the setbacks that his career cause as unacceptable, but also want perfect financial security?

How often do you stay up all night to go spend his lunch break with him? and if you’re not doing this why is it only his responsibility to spend time together?

I’m not trying to be hurtful at all, but I do think that your situation requires perspective: I feel like our situations are very different but have some similar issues in terms of time but we are choosing to view it completely differently... generally a man works hard for his career to provide for his family, and that is his motivation, I could see your perspective more easily if he was spending time with family and friends on his day off but he’s sleeping... trying to recover from working to pay for the family, wedding, and life you guys are planning

How long has he been doing this job/shift? When I switch the third shift you can take me three or six months to even feel like I want to try and stay awake during my days off... I imagine there is a stress level in being a cop that leads to your body being extra exhausted...

View Quoted Comment Most people who work third shift will probably tell you they don’t get enough sleep and the sleep they do get is too interrupted to be considered quality sleep. I did it for years and almost always felt like I was running on empty. His job is demanding. You will almost certainly get more mileage with empathy about how he’s feeling physically.

Being in love is a choice. My mom told me that sometimes you fall out of that “in love” “head over heals” feeling and then YOU have to choose to get back to that. If we all did everything based solely on what we felt then we’d all be jumping in and out of relationships. I was recently having doubts about wanting to marry my FH because we were in this rut where our finances were a little low because we just bought a house and are renovating but since I had more savings all the renovation costs has been coming out of my pocket. I took a trip with my mom and talked to her about how I was feeling and that’s when she told me; life isn’t always going to be ideal and I’m not always going to feel like loving my FH or being in a relationship, but true happiness Requires constant work. Love is more than an emotional connection, it’s physical, mental, and spiritual. Think of your life without him in it ever again. Think of him with someone else. You have to be willing to choose hard times with him for a season over good times with someone else.

View Quoted Comment Wow this is amazing advice! I've recently been feeling like this too and I think I needed to read your post. Your mom is so smart!

So I'm a little confused, does he work 5 days a week on third shift (an 8 hour shift) or is he working 12-16 hour shifts? Both me and my fiance are in law enforcement. It is a little confusing because I don't think he would be allowed to be working 12-16 hours 5 days a week. Unless he is volunteering for overtime most agencies have rules about how many hours you can work because of burnout.

Regardless, if it is that easy for you to fall out of love with him then I think you should just leave. Law enforcement is a very demanding job and we need partners who are going to support us and not fall out of love with us because we have to work strange hours. Yes, he should also be putting in some effort to spend time with you - but it goes both ways. Maybe he feels additional pressure from you and its causing him to shut down. He feels pressure at work and then at home and he may just feel like its pointless no matter what he does.

My fiance and I have four days off together each month - that's it. And never have I once ever thought I was falling out of love with him. When he has a rough shift at work and comes home and goes straight to bed I am understanding. There have been nights I have made dinner and have been sitting at home waiting for him to get home so we can eat and he calls me because he forgot to tell me he picked up a detail and won't be home. So, I eat alone, but never mad at him because he is doing it for us.

We make effort when we can, like sometimes he will come to my area on his day off while I'm working to eat with me - and vice versa. Or we set up a simple little date night at home which requires a movie and snacks and pajamas. If relaxing/sleeping is what he wants to do on his days off to recharge then maybe try planning simple little at home things like that.

But you need to take a good long hard look at the job and if you are going to be able to deal with it for the rest of your lives until he retires. Being an LEO husband/wife is not for everyone and if its not for you that is fine - but think about that before moving forward.

I would consider couples counseling. Being married to someone in a high stress job like a first responder or in the military is really hard, and it isn't for everyone.

View Quoted Comment My mom is an incredible woman. She married my dad at 19 and they only had $800 in the bank he was working 3 jobs and going to college and they lived in a trailer. Now 45 years later he’s a Vice President in a multimillion dollar company and they have 4 vacation homes all around the US and live a very comfortable life. Think of what would have happened if she had given up on him because they never saw each other or she sometimes didn’t feel in love with him. I want to build a relationship like theirs and I know it won’t happen over night.

View Quoted Comment

I have to agree with this post, I think you've made your mind up and maybe are looking for validation for your choice but you don't need it. Your last straw will be telling him goodbye as you walk out the door with your stuff, if he still does nothing then you know you're making the right choice.

View Quoted Comment That's an amazing story! I hope we all get to build a life like theirs!

Honestly you need to get over yourself. You need to realize that he's doing what he believes has to be done to make ends meet. When my FH and I first got together he was working thirds and if I didn't have class the next day I would take him lunch on one of his breaks. When we did get time together we laid on the couch and napped or I watched tv while he napped on me. Later on FH got a better job. After he got a better job even though he had just moved in with me and my family, I practically moved in with my grandpa to take care of him. When I was staying with my grandpa my FH usually came and sat with us for a while because he knew I wouldn't be home that night. Both of us have had to deal with not being the top priority to one another but at the end of the day we both agree we will do what needs to be done and make the best of the situation.

View Quoted Comment That’s great for you guys. Thanks for sharing

I've said this many a time on WW, tone cannot be determined in text. What you might thing was meant to be "smart alecky" might have just been blunt. Js.

With the attitude you have now, things aren't going to get better, because you don't want to admit you might have a part in why they are they way they are now. I hope you can look at yourself and your actions along with your FH and his situation and come to the best solution for you both. Best of luck.

What does a choice not to upload a picture to a place like we have to do with ones ability to be honest or desire to help?

As a LEO myself i know the difficulties the job can have on a relationship. I just want to encourage you to hang in there, im sure its very frustrating for you but marriage is about sticking together no matter how hard it maybe. Shifts get long and it wears on families i totally get that, id strongly reccomend trying couples counseling. Your FH might just need help finding the best way to balance work & home. Unfortunately in law enforcement our shifts can go longer unexpectedly and its just a part of the job. Plan something special for his days off together to reconnect. Best of luck to you!