My fiancé’s parents are avoiding our wedding

I would just remain cordial because it seems like there is no bad blood. From what you're saying it seems like they are no longer offering to contribute to your wedding and just has an opinion on what you should do.


I wouldn't take any offense from it though because they're not obligated to help with anything. Yes it would be nice, but they're not required to contribute money, ideas, etc.

While I understand wishing that they’d want to be more involved in the planning, be aware that most people don’t actually get involved in someone else’s wedding.
It doesn’t sound like they’re being mean or rude to you so while your feelings are valid I think it would be best that you work on those feelings on your own.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I guess what I’m asking is, would it be wrong to tell them how I feel like they don’t want to be involved whatsoever? And that that hurts me? My family and I are really close and my dad and fiancé’s dad are both retired. My dad has a bad hip but offered to go and visit multiple different venues for us to help us decide knowing how busy our schedules are. My mom has gave me caterers and possible DJ options. My sister is always asking if I need anything. It would just be nice for them to act like our wedding exists or if we needed help with anything!

View Quoted Comment I feel like they are being rude by acting like our wedding doesn’t exist. Or saying comments over and over how we should just elope and we shouldn’t have a party, we should just go to the courthouse, etc. is on the brink of being rude since they know how much our marriage sacrament means to us. It’s like rubbing in our face that they think we’re stupid for spending money on our wedding at all. It doesn’t feel supportive or caring.

No one will ever be as excited for your wedding day as you, parents included, thus, I personally wouldn’t take it to heart that your future in-laws haven’t offered to help with planning – after all, you yourself have said so much goes into planning – it is tedious and very few people actually want to be involved in wedding planning. My own family have been happy to come with me to appointments and given me advice where I’ve asked for it, but no one has actually offered to help plan anything, and in your circumstances, I definitely wouldn’t take it personally. I’ve met very few people who have actually wanted to help out plan someone else’s wedding!

Regarding them leaving early, it sounds to me like they feel it’ll be a tiring day and they won’t be able to hold out the whole night. Don’t let this bother you – whatever reason they want to leave early is their own prerogative, and hey, they may even change their minds on the day.

View Quoted Comment On no you won't be wrong for clearly expressing your feelings and letting them know how you feel. If you want to get it off of your cheer just let them know how you feel!

The very first thing that came to mind my was maybe they are embarrassed. They originally offered to cover some wedding related costs, but their financial situation and now they can't so likely feel bad. So they are avoiding the topic or suggesting other options because they feel bad they aren't able to help the way they wanted to. This might not be true, but I see know that's how I'd feel if I was in their situation. I would recommend telling them that you feel like they care because I think that will make the situation worse.

It's surprising because when a couple and parents disagree on the wedding style, the opposite usually happens: parents want the couple to have a religious ceremony and the couple doesn't.
That being said, what does your fiancé want? You want a religious ceremony, his parents don't want but what about the groom?
Assuming he also wants a religious ceremony or maybe he doesn't care and told you to pick whatever you want: what your and his parents want doesn't count, especially when they are not contributing financially. Even if they are contributing, the strings are to invite some of their friends their son wouldn't want to invite otherwhise and sometimes the reception venue. But they should have 0 say about the ceremony style, the wedding party members (if you're having one). If they don't wanna stay late because they don't like what you want, it tells a lot about their personality! It's extremely selfish of them to pressure you to avoid the church wedding you want. When you love your kids and their future spouse, you love them unconditionally and you don't withhdraw your support because of that.Would they stop loving him if you move to another state or pick a name for your kids they don't like?Seriously? Is this love?

View Quoted Comment No you don’t tell them you’re upset because they’re not helping. You’re allowed your feelings, but They have no responsibility to help. My I -laws never not once even the week or 2 leading up to the wedding asked about it. They never mentioned they were excited, asked how it was going, if we needed help nothing. I didn’t expect them to help with anything. Sure i thought they’d ask how it was going, but they didn’t. That makes them no less happy or excited I married their son.
All bringing up that you’re upset will do is cause trouble. A PP mentioned they may be embarrassed. I agree with this. They offered to help over a year ago and are no longer financially able to do so. Addressing your feelings will amplify this and probably make them
Feel like they now HAVE to contribute. This will not help their situation. Share what you feel like you should with them and then send them their invitation. Share your feelings gs with your husband to be. It will be fine.

I can understand the frustration of getting little to no help from your fiancé’s parents, while at the same time they aren’t required to help with anything. they help where they can and if they want to.


Maybe just try talking to them and asking how they feel about the wedding and point out the fun and positive aspects of a nice ceremony and a fun reception with great food and music. Don’t talk too much finances at first that can be a little scary as weddings aren’t cheap!
You got this girl, if they decide to help that’s amazing and if not you got this. I believe in you! You can also cut down prices by doing DIY center pieces, invites, and signage throughout your wedding!
Many blessings! ✨

View Quoted Comment I absolutely agree with this. It doesn't make them terrible because they don't want to contribute anymore. Weddings are a luxury which shouldn't be a burden on anyones wallet but the 2 getting married. Yes it's nice to receive help but it is something you should plan without. If people contribute great but if they don't at least you will already be prepared. Plus when you accept peoples money for your day it almost always ends up having strings attached. Think of it as you dodged a bullet otherwise you might be having meatloaf with 3 people.

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Yes it would be wrong. No one else is responsible for helping you and your fiance plan or pay for your wedding. It's nice that members of your family are interested in helping, but it isn't a requirement for anyone. If planning the wedding yourselves is too difficult then consider hiring a wedding planner or downsizing your plans to make it more manageable. Don't try to guilt others into doing something they aren't even responsible for in the first place.

Many people aren't interested in big weddings and think they're a waste of money. Your in laws have made it clear that this is how they feel and that's just as valid of an opinion as those who are interested in big weddings. They aren't going to change just because you want them to. What's important is that they support your marriage, not your party plans.

View Quoted Comment Exactly 100% this

I would suggest not talking to them about wedding planning as you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. They aren’t interested in wedding planning. That isn’t personal against you - most people aren’t very interested in wedding planning. You’re very fortunate to have your own family who like you said are very involved. I would be grateful for that.

I really appreciate everyone’s response. It has help put things in better perspective for me. When I said help with anything at all, I don’t mean them helping financially, but even like coming to David’s bridal with me when I tried on dresses. His mom ditched every appointment. Or putting together favors, or touring the venue we decided on. They said they can’t help financially and that’s totally okay. But even coming to look at flowers or something. I asked his mother if she had anyone she wanted to invite to our shower and she said no. I guess I thought it would be different. A lady at my works son is getting married and we chat a lot and she tells me how she went to every venue with them, to try on dresses, etc. So I guess I thought my MIL would do the same. I guess for now I should just vent to my fiancé like I have and keep my thoughts to myself. I love them and respect them and I am thankful my own family is there for us. Thank you everyone for your support and advice. And to answer someone’s question, yes my groom and I are on the same page as far as the church wedding.

View Quoted Comment I think the best course of action is to simply not discuss the wedding with them at all. You say they act as though the wedding doesn’t exist and never bring anything up.. I would just leave it at that. You continuing to bring up the wedding only results in either A. them sharing their opinions, which you do not like. Or B. FMIL changing the subject (which is likely her way of trying to be polite/keep the peace since she obviously does not agree with/understand you and FH’s choices for your celebration. Ie, “ if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”). Simply do not bring up the wedding to them again. They have made it clear they are unable to contribute financially, and do not wish to contribute in any other capacity. Just enjoy the planning process with your fiancé and your family/friends who DO want to to discuss and help plan.

View Quoted Comment Again, I think you should be grateful that your family (you mentioned mom dad and sister) have all been involved and interested. It’s unusual to have that many family members even involved. You seem to have plenty of support.

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Some people are more excited about those things than others. It's wonderful that you're giving her an opportunity to be included, but she may be uncomfortable telling you no. Or she could be worried that by going to these things she'll be expected to contribute financially (even though you have not verbally said anything).

Wedding planning isn't for everyone, and for a FMIL who eloped for her own wedding, it's probably even less so.

Other parents may be more involved in their kids weddings, but I can almost guarantee you there's some strife on the back-end that you're not hearing about because they're too involved.

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YES! I agree it definitely sounds like COIVD and the past year might have significantly changed their situation - did family members die or did they have a close call with COID? Did they lose money or a job or investments (are they landlords where tenants arent paying?) I think you should drop anything having to do with money. Tell them you love them, you understand things are different and you they only thing you care about is sharing a happy time with them - and what they can contribute financial or not is not at all important to you - only that they share the memories with you.

I feel like you are expecting too much from your fiance's parents. They have no obligation to pay for any part of your wedding and they don't need to stay the night to be a part of your event and enjoy the festivities. They can support your marriage without participating in planning or doing extra for your wedding.

Covid has been rough on people and really changed the way people approach social events, particularly those who are older and more vulnerable. Originally, my husband's parents and his sister were going to spend the night at a local BnB just 5 minutes from our venue, along with my mom. Due to Covid, fewer family members ended up coming to our wedding celebration. His entire family carpooled, so they skipped the BnB and left early to drive home before it got too dark. Because they weren't staying at the BnB, my mom ended up staying at our house and also left early to drive home before it got dark. My husband's parents also decided they would not attend our rehearsal dinner because they've been so socially isolated they were worried they would be exhausted attending two events and driving two nights in a row. A year ago, I would have had four of my relatives and my husband would have had 10-12 family members at our wedding, and all would have stayed the entire time, and our immediate families would have participated in our rehearsal dinner and likely the wedding itself. But without a rehearsal our parents didn't feel comfortable processing or doing a parent-child dance with us, so they pretty much showed up as guests who took a few extra pictures with us and left early. I don't feel like they weren't happy for us, they just have a very different comfort level right now than they did pre-pandemic.