1. The venue double-booked and the other wedding turned out to be for a childhood friend. I let her go first because the power of friendship prevails (and she said hers would be small and quick). It wasn't. A literal mud pit was central to her decor theme and her mother made me help hang decorations around it in my white gown.
2. My florist never arrived so dream Mom tried to do her best for me by drilling holes into a purple broccoli stem and sticking asparagus through it to create a cascade bouquet. They kept falling out so I had to hold them strategically. (It actually didn't look too bad and the kind of actual save my real mom would pull out of her hat).
3. My dress slit was measured wrong and went all the way to the top of my butt so people could see my crack. My dream MOH supplied me with a slip to cover it. But then also forced me to wear a pink old-timey blouse over my dress because "it looked better".
4. My guests were late and then tried to leave before the ceremony because they were sweaty and kept making snide comments about CP time. Eventually, the host said we were too late to start and we wouldn't be getting our deposit back.
5. I forgot FH's ring in a drawer and ran to grab it (people assumed I was running away and applauded). To add insult to injury, I found six other rings from previous women in the same drawer.
6. I somehow stepped on a venomous sea shell causing my face to swell and my shoes to not fit. As a result, I had to walk barefoot, in an unfamiliar place which made my dress too long.
7. We try to have a good time at the reception but the baker hadn't delivered the cake. My Mom and MOH try to help by building a hand-sculpted monstrosity made from several Ralph's sheet cakes. All of the vendors that didn't deliver said they still wouldn't refund me.
There's more but jeez. What fresh hell is this? I'm still sweating and shaking. I give this new genre of nightmare 2/5 stars. Would not recommend.
