My fmil doesn't want to join bridal shower or baby shower

I have to agree with previous posters here. I know you are excited about your pregnancy (congratulations!) and the events surrounding it and your wedding, but I think your expectations may be a bit high for these events. It is very, very common for people to not attend an out-of-state shower. And when you throw in all the issues surrounding the pandemic and flying right now, it is even less likely people will want to fly for these optional events. So honestly, I would just let that go. Don’t hold a grudge and don’t let something so trivial affect your relationship with your future in-laws. As far as the tea ceremony goes, I am not too familiar with that tradition. I have seen them on TV, but I have never seen the part where they shower the bride with jewelry. Is that another traditional ceremony? Or is this a family tradition? In any case, I would definitely be wanting more information on why his family said they would not be doing this for you. It definitely seems as though there is a deeper issue at hand here. As far as your fiancé “fixing it”, i’m not sure what exactly you want him to fix. He cannot force somebody to do something they do not want to do. (And quite frankly, I wouldn’t want people attending events, etc. who didn’t want to be there anyway). I think it’s really unfair of you to put that sort of pressure on him. You don’t want to start the marriage out with ultimatums. I think the two of you just need to come together and decide on a plan for your wedding that you both can afford and enjoy. You will be a married couple soon and it will be incredibly important to your marriage that you are able to talk things through, compromise, and come to solutions, if the marriage is to work.
And just a sidenote: do keep in mind those pregnancy hormones! They can make you feel and act irrationally at times! As difficult as it may be, whenever you get heated about something, stop and have a heart to heart with yourself and determine if you are really justifiably angry about something, or are pregnancy hormones getting the best of you.

I would be hurt too! It seems like there's been a steady stream of rejection coming from them recently, and oh by the way you're newly pregnant, so some excitement from them would be, umm, really nice! Why can't the Chinese tea ceremony happen? Did your FSIL get to participate in a Chinese tea ceremony for her wedding (I can't tell if she's your FH's sister or FH's brother's wife, but either way I wonder about that)? And about the shower in Chicago, I get that it's really far for her so maybe she just wanted to set expectations upfront that she wouldn't be able to attend.....but at the same time, it seems really dismissive when you're on the receiving end of "oh you're having a shower? thanks for telling me about it 3 months in the future, but I have already/immediately made up my mind that i won't attend." Like that's a harsh delivery. I just think that your hurt and disappointment may be coming more from how/when they delivered the message....more than the message itself.

Sending you good vibes!!!

You are placing A LOT of expectations on other people's feelings and actions. I think it's really important, for your own sake, to learn that you can't control what other people do or say. Your marriage and life will be a lot happier if you let these things go now. It sounds like there are some cultural, communication, and relationship differences/nuances between how you and your future spouse (FS) were raised. All of those things can be difficult to navigate but it's worth putting in the effort to learn so that you two can be a team.

You and your FS can and should have complete control over how you host and celebrate your wedding. But all of these other ancillary parties, ceremonies, and celebrations that are the responsibility of other people to host and attend (or not) are simply out of your control. Pick your battles.

View Quoted Comment Where did you hear about the welcome party for the FDIL - that is, have you asked your FH if it's done in his family? My family is part Italian, but theres a lot of stuff we didn't do for my wedding. I think there needs to be some communication about expectations, particularly because it sounds like there's a cultural barrier. It does seem a bit odd to me that you're the one pushing to include stuff from his culture. I'd let him/them take the lead on that.


As far as traveling...none of my family came to my wedding, and THAT was disappointing. I'd extend people some grace/benefit of the doubt for a shower. That's a really big ask.

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Yes, yes, and yes!

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Yes, thank you for helping me find my words. I am hurt they immediately declined when I gave them 3 months notice. I must realize I am in my calendars and budgets all day and plan differently than others.

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Good point, they are all beyond my control. Thank you. I usually try to not entangle myself into those losing situations.

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Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry your family didn't get to witness your wedding. This does give me some perspective about other bridal elements.

There are elements of my culture in the ceremony. But, maybe including these traditions are all moot when he says it's American custom for the bride's family to pay. My response was well, the groom's family usually provides for x,y,z. But, his side didn't offer any money, time, and are telling us up front that they won't be doing anything extra. I'll see ya in November ... or not.

No one HAS to attend your showers. You are being extremely overly dramatic. They can support you 100%, love you and like you, and still not want to come to Chicago from Philly for a shower. Vent, be mad, and then get over it.

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I haven't seen any real indication they do support us. So I'm less inclined to pay for them to be at our wedding. I am not even expecting them to be in our child's life. That's dramatic. But, I'm going to go with my instincts.

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Michelle honestly, I'd suggest just eloping like you mentioned. It's absolutely crushing when your family continues to disappoint you. I grew up in a very stereotypical South Asian family and weddings are the the single most important thing in a person's life. I'd never been celebrated before (still haven't had a birthday party to this day, no graduations, no nothing) and I was really hoping that my wedding could be the place where everyone came together and made memories. I wasn't interested in gifts or anything- I just wanted to celebrate something of value in my life. I was SO DISAPPOINTED by family's lack of interest in my wedding. I have 26 first cousins, all of whom my parents gifted thousands of dollars at their respective weddings, and not a single one so much as even picked up the phone to congratulate me.

Don't give them another opportunity to disappoint you. Go with the Vegas wedding

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Thank you for your comment, Jessica. I'm sorry that my post was triggering. I was surprised I was in my feelings about others longer than usual, but now I move on, and say "f*&^, f#$% you, I'll be fine alone in my wedding, my pregnancy, and my birth".

Thanks for the advice. We have now moved up our wedding to a safer trimester, and my FH (& a planner) will plan everything from now on. Take care.

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What kind of evidence are you expecting to see?

Unless their family overflows with money, most family and friends to not travel and great distance or expense in time or money, to go to any lesser party like a shower or bridal tea or social party. Like a birthday party, nice if you can be there, but no point traveling more than 4-5 hours total, or spending $25-50 travel and expense, for a 3 hour minor party. And outside of very recent minivavations, that has always been true of men's or women's bachelorette parties. No one travels more than a couple hours, or spends more than an evening out costs.
I had 3 showers given by friends in different locations, and a 4th by my FMIL was the only one where my bridal party, living near FMIL, traveled a whole hour. Though invited, my mom was 3-6 hours each way from all of them, and she nor my gran made it to any. And no one giving parties expected they would. ... Don't blow off your relatives for not doing what most people would not do, flying Chicago to NYC for a 3 hour shower.
That makes you sound very entitled to set that expectation. ... Also, as one with uncommon cultural ceremonies in the US, anyone I can think of would not be at all appreciative of someone marrying in from another ethnic group having a cultural ceremony, like the tea ceremony, unless the wish came from their own side. Your FI, who said he does not want it. It is one thing for you to see a tea ceremony, and think it beautiful. It is very inapropriate for you to suggest one if they do not ask for/ offer it. Your FH needs to be clear on what he wants. But not flying a thousand miled plus costs and lodgings for a second party is the usual thing, not something to blame his family for. Nor is their wish that you not have a tea ceremony. I think your expectations are way out of line, not their behavior.

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I hear both your points. But, I do think they are just lazy and use to not doing much for him. The fact that he and his sister also say they're not close, says much for how the parents raised their family. Unfortunately, for my FH to invite his close friends whom he does feel is family, he feels obligated to invite 50 family members. But, we all experience this annoyance in making a guest list.

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No defined measurables. I believe in boundaries and my instincts.