My future step daughter doesn't understand.

Are there any children's books that explain this concept to kids?

I have tried looking but I haven't had any luck. I would think there are though!

Maybe YouTube videos ? Seasame Street might have something they cover "tough topics"I have seen one on divorce

Maybe you can make your own picture book for her . There r websites where you can design your own books and then they ship it to you all bound .

Always tell children the way it is. You are going to he a step mom to her. Explain it that you and her dad decided to marry. Explain what a marriage is. Explain what a wedding is. Let her know you are going to be her step mom. Let her know you won't take the place of her mom, but now she has another person that made the commitment to love and support her.

Hmm. That's a tough one. My son is 5 and will be 6 in December. My wedding is a while away, but my son still understands the concept of what will be happening. He calls my fiancé by his first name, but refers to him as his step dad to other people. He even calls his bio dad (accidentally) by my FH's name sometimes, as he views him in a more paternal manner. He knows that FH will never replace his bio dad, however. I can't really say I've ever "explained" what a step dad is, but he took to the concept really well and quickly.

Has your FH had a one on one talk with his daughter and explained that a wedding will be occurring and you will be officially joining the family? I feel like at 5, children have a good concept of what weddings are.

On the what-to-call-you thing...

My cousin is getting married next year. Her partner had a 2-year-old when they met who is now 5. Before they could have this problem, the kiddo gave her a nickname (DeeDee) that is not even close to her name. It works rather well because the (deadbeat) biomother can't complain about her being called anything close to "mom" and my cousin feels comfortable with her nickname. This would probably be a good idea for your situation. You can tell her that she should give you a special nickname that only she will call you.

That's a really good suggestion, @fairest.

I guess my son never really asked what a step dad was and just kinda took to calling my FH that to other people. But if he wasn't comfortable with it, I'd never enforce it on him. So I'd definitely say a special nickname is an awesome alternative.

ETA: grammar

Yeah. My brother and his wife each brought a son with them and the kids call the other parent by first names most of the time. Most of the time, haha. My brother's kid is 10 and sometimes calls SIL his mom when he's talking about her but he's used to calling her by name to her so that's what he does. SIL's kid (age 7) definitely says "our mom" instead of "my mom" and the boys just consider themselves brothers. Some complication comes from SIL's ex and his parents because when the kiddo refers to my brother as his dad, he's corrected with an angry "Step-dad!" by his grandmother. (This may not have been helped by the kiddo asking if he could take my brother's last name too when they got married...) Generally though, I think kids just tend to sort the naming situation out themselves and the names evolve over time. My brother called his biological father "daddy" when he was little then he called my father "dad" for a few years and his bio-father got called by name and now both of them are called by name.

Oh, and if you ever have children together, it's really just best not to dwell on this stuff or think you have to explain it to future children. They'll ask you questions if they need them answered. I don't remember learning that my brother had a different last name and a different father, it was just a fact of life for me and part of my normal.

I was five when both of my parents got remarried. I knew what was going on. My parents just told me we were all going to be a new family and that I was getting a stepmom and a stepdad (and siblings, on one side). I've always called them by their first names and they've always been my family. It's simple if you keep it that way.

5-year-olds are old enough to understand if you explain it to them.

I teach 5-year-olds and they understand a lot more than you'd think!

Tell her the truth. 5 year olds are smart.

Leave the decision of the way she refers to you up to her. I was my first name to my stepkids for years and now my two oldest stepdaughters call me mom.

I would just tell her. Simply enough for her to understand. You will be so surprised in how much she get it once it's explained. Her dad should help as well. You can simply say that her mom is always going to be her mom. But when daddy and you get married that you will become her step mom. And she can still call you whatever she wants to call you.

My step son is 5 and I also have 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter.. When we got engaged we explained the wedding makes us husband and wife and we are parental figures to them all. My step son calls me mom sometimes, mostly because he hears the other kids, and his mom is fine with it, and so am I. I am sure the situation is a little different, as she doesn't 'hate me'.

Children understand a lot. I would talk to her. Simply put it and go from there.

My kids call my FH daddy Josh. But we have twins that are 2. And his kids from his ex call me Mommy Adrienne. But their mom isn't around and never will be. (She signed away her rights and they took her name off the birth certificate.) It's really weird that all the kids call us mommy and daddy with our 1st names. But we're a very blended family. As in my 2 kids, his 2 kids and then our twins. So our 6 kids. I claim his 2 as my own and he claims my 2 as his own. But we never encouraged using mommy and daddy. It just happened that way.

Also call around to local play therapist for kids and ask if they can tell you where to get a few books that explain it. They have them and use them so they will know. I know because I studied to be a therapist just never finished. And my kids went to play therapy when I divorced their dad.

What about doing a family tree craft together? Show her who every one is and how they are related, how her mom and her dad have her, and then you are going to be linked to her dad and her because you are getting married. I find kids at this age are very visual.

Talk to her about it. My FH had a daughter when we started dating as did I. We have always talked to them about our "big" family and she calls me honey instead of mom so not to step on bio mom toes. But honesty is the best. Just tell her most kids have two parents but she is lucky enough to get more

And they do make books for younger kids. Google books about blended families for preschoolers!!

Unless her mother is negligent, it's hard to fathom that a five year old girl with an invested mother has almost called you mom many times. If she has, she is confused, and you and your FH need to talk to her and explain that you are not her mother, will never be her mother, and help her to understand that this is just a fact of life. As a step-mother, you can earn a position in her life as a trusted friend, and honestly, that's what I'd aim for. Let her call you what friends call each other -- by their first name -- not by the very unique title of mom. If she's sure you're not trying to replace her mother (and that means you never speak badly of her mom, regardless of what's going on in the world of adults), then, with time, she is likely to trust you.

You can enjoy a very fulfilling, rich relationship with this girl, but you have to follow her lead, and her lead will always be honoring her mother.