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My husband is driving me crazy over my daughters wedding

Heather, on March 25, 2021 at 4:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24

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First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. He thinks it's ridiculous. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. I agree weddings can be stupid expensive. We are at an expense of under $9000 for venue, reception, food, photography EVERYTHING for 150 guest!! That is cheap for a wedding and my daughter is very conscious of expenses and looks for any bargains we can get. We are not broke and could afford more so it isn't putting us in a financial strain. He has 2 daughters and is convinced they won't spend this much on a wedding. Maybe.. Maybe not that is still yet to be determined.. However, They are different from my daughter I want this day to be special for her and what she wants within reason. But how do I get him to understand how excited and important this day is to her... Our finances are combined he makes about 30k more a year then me. So it isn't like I am spending all HIS money...

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Latest activity by Megan, on March 26, 2021 at 3:32 PM

Expert September 2021
MK · on March 25, 2021 at 4:38 PM
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Oof. This sounds like my dad when he started seeing wedding price tags! He has always happily supported my siblings and I financially growing up, but the wedding cost shock is real! Especially to whoever is expected to pay the price.
It may be helpful to explain and show him how inexpensive this wedding is in comparison to a lot of weddings -- $9,000 for all of that is unheard of! Maybe you can lay out the typical wedding costs in your area so he can see for himself that it's a bargain! If he doesn't budge, see what he's willing to pay and daughter and FSIL may have to cover the rest. My parents gave me a "budget", but it was just the amount they were willing to pay. Everything over that, myself and my FH have been responsible for paying.
Good luck!
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Liz · on March 25, 2021 at 4:46 PM
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I know there are orgs that do surveys on average wedding prices - both nationally and state by state. Would sharing that type of info help to make the point that $9k really isn’t remotely extravagant. And I love the suggestion of breaking down the average cost of each component in your area.
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on March 25, 2021 at 5:00 PM
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When helping plan for our daughter's wedding, my husband told me I could write the checks, but not to tell him at all what anything cost. He just did not want to know. I agree with PP's that $9,000 is a deal especially with 150 guests. Maybe you should have your husband sit down and watch "Father of the Bride" with Steve Martin! 😁
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VIP April 2022
CountryBride · on March 25, 2021 at 6:00 PM
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That is cheap my wedding is costing me around 22000
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Super May 2019
KYLIE · on March 25, 2021 at 6:23 PM
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I love the suggestion of showing him the average cost of weddings! And as much as he's driving you crazy, I think it's so wonderful that a) your husband, your daughter's stepdad, is such a positive influence in her life b) the bride is being so thoughtful and considerate about prices. I think this'll pass and it's almost certain unless his bio daughters elope that their similar weddings will cost the same or more!
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on March 25, 2021 at 6:26 PM
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How much are you daughter and her future spouse contributing? If it felt more equal, maybe that would help your husband feel better about spending this money. In the end, it doesn't really matter what the "average" price is or what other people you know spent. It matters how much the people paying for the event can and want to afford.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 25, 2021 at 7:14 PM
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I agree with this. It isn’t his wedding or his responsibility, so anything that he chooses to contribute is a bonus.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 25, 2021 at 8:39 PM
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Just to put some perspective into this… my fiancé and I do not have any help from our parents and in order to have the wedding how we wanted it we have to have it on a Thursday which is saving us about 15-20k.... Our wedding is still costing us just under 40K… We do live in a high cost wedding area, but $9000 in total for a wedding would be a dream for us. I understand it is his money and he works hard I’m sure, but when he offers to pay for someone’s wedding, he hast to understand that he doesn’t really have a say on the price if he is offering to pay. If he has a problem with the price then he needs to express that to his stepdaughter and tell her that she needs to pay. He shouldn’t put the stress on you.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 25, 2021 at 8:40 PM
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And by the way… I only have about 90 guests.
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Lisa · on March 25, 2021 at 9:18 PM
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I agree with both of these responses and feel for your husband.
Perhaps the happy medium is for you and your husband to offer the $9k and close the checkbook. If the couple wants a more lavish wedding, then they can contribute more. There are many many seasonal jobs available to pad the household income, reprioritize the budget, etc .... any money given to the couple for their wedding should be graciously accepted and not argued over. I’m with your husband on this one!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 25, 2021 at 9:35 PM
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“ when he offers to pay for someone’s wedding, he hast to understand that he doesn’t really have a say on the price...”

I’m sorry....what? 🤯
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 25, 2021 at 10:03 PM
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.... ummmm… Exactly how it reads. For example if I offered to take a friend out for their birthday to dinner, I would never tell them that they can’t order the steak and cant get unlimited drinks. When you offer to pay for someone else’s wedding you don’t set limits to their day when you offer/insist on paying. It’s pretty uncouth. If you have concerns about the price, then you shouldn’t offer to pay at all. It’s really not that hard to understand
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on March 25, 2021 at 10:08 PM
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Reading the post, I'm not sure that dad has ever been onboard to pay for the wedding. Mom seems to expect him to... otherwise, they set a budget and say I will pay X amount and anything beyond that is on you.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 25, 2021 at 10:14 PM
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“ he has always been financially supportive “. “We are paying for the wedding.” “ in total for everything from photographer to reception it’s costing them 9 grand.” I don’t know, I think it reads pretty clearly that they offered to pay for the wedding.
All I’m saying is that 9k for a wedding is not a lot at all. If you only want to pay for someone’s wedding because you think it will be inexpensive then you’re definitely making the wrong decision when you offer to pay for someone’s wedding. I guess my biggest question would be how much did he actually think it was going to be??
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August 2020
JM Sunshine · on March 25, 2021 at 10:29 PM
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I agree $9,000 is definitely a bargain...and I know I'm going to be slammed for this, but I do think men can be clueless when it comes to the costs of weddings and all it entails. Most of us who have been pricing vendors think $20,000 is a deal, especially for 150 people.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 25, 2021 at 10:49 PM
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Hah! That is absolutely true! Men can be totally clueless about what it costs. I have to admit though I was pretty clueless too when it came to the decor cost. When I got the PDF for my venues decor pricing my jaw fell to the floor LOL! I was totally not expecting to see prices like $700 to rent a couch for 5 hours that probably only 2 people will sit in, when in reality it only cost about $400 to outright buy.... needless to say, we both can definitely agree that wedding prices are ridiculous
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on March 25, 2021 at 10:52 PM
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Hi Heather! Weddings are crazy expensive for sure! One idea is my parents gifted each of us a dollar amount towards our wedding (same for each) and that was it. Each of us were very grateful. We could use it towards our wedding or use it towards a home. Kept it simple and fair and dad didn’t get involved with the details. There are many couples whose parents are not able to contribute, so I’m sure each child will be appreciative. Good luck with your daughter’s wedding ❤️
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on March 26, 2021 at 12:20 AM
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I would write a $9000 check to the couple to put towards expenses and let them take care of the rest. Pitching in for a wedding is a favor, not an obligation
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Expert September 2021
MK · on March 26, 2021 at 1:00 AM
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This! During the holidays, my fiancé’s family was asking about the wedding, when he said “yeah, I think we’re looking at a couple thousand dollars”. I almost spit out my drink LOL.

Needless to say, I brought him up to reality and he was in a total shock. He became very helpful with wedding planning after this!
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Dedicated July 2021
M. · on March 26, 2021 at 8:00 AM
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Agreed! My parents have graciously offered to pay for my wedding (as they did for my sister), and my dad was and still is clueless about how much everything costs! Wedding prices are insane. My dad thinks 10k is enough but my mom knows better and basically my dad does not know how much the total ended up being for my sister's wedding, doesn't know how much specific things cost, and that's how we're leaving it for mine as well 😂 My FH's family has also offered to help with different aspects of the wedding and I have been covering different bits of the wedding myself - especially for categories that I went over the average for in my area.
The way my mom and I look at it is, yes its possible to stay around 10k (our area is very affordably compared to many parts of the country), but in the long run we'd prefer to pay up and be completely satisfied with our choices compared to still paying a lot but being underwhelmed and regretting spending so much on things we aren't truly happy with. Also, I would prefer to pay for services versus having an extreme amount of diy with people running around on wedding day being stressed instead of enjoying the day.
I think in totally we're going to be closer to 17-22k (divided amongst people)
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My husband is driving me crazy over my daughters wedding

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