My moh is a Mistress and i Don't Know What to Do

It’s not even about her coming to your wedding or not, it sounds like you are questioning the actual friendship which I dont really blame you for. If you decide you do not want to be friends with her, I think you are totally justified. At the very least I would stop driving her to the hotel. While it is always the fault of the person who is actually doing the cheating and blame should primarily be placed on them, if she knows full well he has a wife and kids she is not a good person @ all

To be honest I would have never been ok with this in any case but what’s done is done. Are you willing to lose your friend over this because it’s a strong possibility that you might. Sit down have a conversation with her and explain your feelings about the situation. It could go either way should could understand that you see it from the wife’s eyes now or she could totally be offended because you’ve known about this for years and are now kicking her out of your wedding and excluding her and something so special.

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To be honest, I don't think I was ever okay with it. The demographic that I live in is one that looks down upon monogamy and traditional relationships. Being the minority in this area, I tried my best to be open to my surroundings and embrace other forms of romantic relationships. It just so happened that I met this person within that time span. In retrospect, I should have never entered into friendship with her.

Any suggestions how to talk her though my feelings? I don't think there's any "happy" way about this though.

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I agree! She's a kind and wonderful person in every aspect of her life (except this one, of course). It makes it all the harder to say something she'll perceive as hurtful.

So, basically, you’re an accomplice... lol would you be okay with another woman escorting a woman every month for your husband to engage in sexual affairs? It’s all around terrible. I personally wouldn’t engage and disconnect from her. She has no morals and dignity as a female; I’m humiliated for her. I also believe in karmic cycles though, so would be extra careful.
She put you in a terrible situation, but at the end of the day, you are in control.
Best wishes!

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Does it make me a horrible person that I want to follow the man home and tell his wife?

View Quoted Comment Lol that is up to you...
My best friend was being cheated on for 2 years including her pregnancy. Her husband is a 3rd shift nurse and so is the mistress; she only found out because the mistress messaged her on social media and informed her. She is glad she found out as she has already filed for divorce.

View Quoted Comment Ok that makes sense if that’s the way of life there. However that’s not your way of life. Essentially you just have to tell her after being in a monogamous relationship and experiencing true love you don’t feel comfortable continuing to accept this relationship and don’t think it’s appropriate if she attends your wedding. Weddings are sacred and she is essentially making a mockery of it by continuing to be in a relationship with a married man. And although you make like as a person you can’t support her relationship therefore it’s best if guys part ways.

Your friend sounds like a terrible person and ny helping her that definitely make me question your judgement as you are basically aiding her in having this affair. I personally could never be friends with someone like this. I would've cut off communication with her when she started this type of relationship.

My advice would be to tread lightly with her, meet in a neutral place like a coffee shop or park (because Covid). Just tell her that you’re really honing in on your values because you’re about to be married and you wouldn’t feel comfortable if your husband was doing that to you, so you’re not comfortable with her doing what she is doing. See what she says first. If she gets defensive, then I’d say to tell her you just don’t think this friendship is going to work out and that maybe she needs to skip your wedding. But on the flip side, maybe nobody has put it in that perspective for her. I mean, look how nervous you are to bring it up...I’m sure a lot of other people also feel that way and may feel the same without voicing it. It’s a tough situation all around but in my opinion, she’s basically mocking marriage because she’s trying to start a secret life with another woman’s husband and that’s not fair.

I don't know if this helps, but I was married previously. My husband, now my EX, did this same thing to me. I never did find out how many years it took place. His plan all along was to keep me in the dark and meet with her once a month. I was told he was flying 'on business.' She was telling her husband and children the same thing. As soon as I found out, I filed for divorce and we didn't do the No Fault one either, because I refused. As someone on the other side, I'd want to know as badly as it hurt at the time. I wasted 15 years of my life on someone who didn't appreciate me. I'm much stronger from the experience eventhough I'd not wish it on my worst enemy. Again, not sure if this helps you, but you are hearing from someone who has been the faithful, unaware wife.

Your MOH is engaging in behaviour which you personally do not agree with (and I can understand why) and doesn’t see the contradictions between her perspective and her actions. Ultimately, what she does in her personal life is something that you can always give friendly advice against, but what she does is another story.

If you can see yourself as being friends with your MOH long term despite this, then stop driving her to the hotel (as you feel bad about it) and refrain from having any involvement in this matter. If however, it is something that shocks you to the core so much that you can’t bear to continue the friendship, end it.

Ultimately you have a decision to make – can you live with this friendship knowing what your friend is doing?

I would definitely talk to her about this. Let her know that you can no longer be an accomplice to this & you are not ok with what she is doing. If it was me & my MOH was doing this, I would tell her I can’t have someone standing up for me in marriage when they’re screwing around with a MARRIED man.

This is tough. It sounds like you are feeling a lot of guilt by aiding her affair. Does that justify ending the friendship? Or even going as far as telling the wife? These are questions you have to ask yourself. No one else can really answer them for you. I would sit with this and evaluate if this is sincerely in favor of your friendship or the pain you’re harboring and carrying from your past hurt and experiences.

My concern about you telling his wife is that might put you in physical danger. However, I too would feel a pull to do that and I would like to think I would.

I would never have agreed to drive the friend to the hotel...if you bring it up now you'll lose the friendship which I wouldn't be too fussed about.

I feel SO sorry for the wife.

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It would be terrible and completely inappropriate for you to follow him home and tell his wife. You've been aiding her in this and now you want to spy on him and get more intertwined in all of this? Also, what's up with mentioning this man's nationality so many times? Seems like a really unnecessary point to continuously highlight. Anyway, no, you should end your friendship if that's what you want and shop assisting her in her affair.

As for their relationship, they are consenting adults who have decided this works for them. If she is truly happy and this is what she wants, there's no reason to be unhappy for her or judge her harshly for her behavior.

All of us do things that other people don't agree with, and all of us have varying moral codes that govern our personal behavior. We cannot ascribe those codes or impose our own morality onto other people, we can only do what we think is right.

No, it is NOT ok this man is cheating on his wife, but it doesn't sound like you have much to do with him, and again, that's on HIS conscience.

You are under no obligation to bring your friend to her meet ups with this man, and if it makes you uncomfortable, you should tell her so and tell her you won't do it any more. If she could rent a car in the past, she can do it again, or take the bus.

As for your friendship, that's a whole other ball of wax. Do you love and respect her? Has she been a huge part of your life where losing her would be devastating to you? Think about those things and your heart will tell you what you should do about the friendship. Ultimately, that's the main situation here. The affair and all that have nothing to do with you, particularly once you quit being the driver.

View Quoted Comment Just wanted to add that there is a hard difference between polyamorous and/or ethically non-monogamous relationships and what your friend is doing.


It's sad that her actions and behaviors are painting different romantic lifestyles so poorly that it closed you off to acceptance of these lifestyles, based on your phrasing of "I tried my best to be open to" and "in that timespan", implying that you no longer are. I mean that with 100% no judgement or disrespect to you, OP. I just mean it is very sad that your friend came in and made it look so badly. I also want to add that no one has a right to look down on your more traditional, monogamous relationship. Respect goes both ways. It's up to each person and couple to set their own boundaries and comfort.
About 5 years ago I made a "friend" who put me in a somewhat similar situation. She told me about cheating in her past (though accepted 0% personal responsibility for it) on the very first time we met. I thought, hey, everyone makes mistakes and pursued the friendship anyways. It was a pretty awful and one sided relationship, I ended up being strong-armed into a trip with her and her bf. So, obviously that made me know her bf pretty good, having spent the several days and 2 roadtrips together. She started cheating on him (again taking 0% personal responsibility.) Like you, I was uncomfortable but it didn't really involve me so I would just change the subject or ignore it any time it came up. Then she tried to involve me, like your friend, and I finally told her what I had been avoiding. It was a little different for me, because part of my rebuttal was how she wanted me to meet her bf and be friends and now she wants me to meet her side piece because she "sees the relationship going somewhere, really likes him, it's getting serious" or whatever and it's incredibly uncomfortable for me seeing her bf at her place. However, this part still fits- I told her I was uncomfortable with what she was doing, I didn't like or respect it, and I wanted nothing to do with it.

It sounds like your relationship with this woman has run its course and I would be honest and tell her why. I'd add the nice things you said, too, if you think she could change and you want to salvage the friendship. You've become increasingly uncomfortable with what she's doing and involving you (and trying to have a baby with this guy) is what pushed you over the edge.

Wow, umm tell her that driving her to the hotel makes you fun uncomfortable. So you won’t be doing that anymore. But as others have said if you are questioning the friendship based on her current choices, that’s a deeper conversation. You said she is a wonderful person, but if you having a problem with her morals, that’s a part of her. Personally I don’t know if I would cut her out of my life however I don’t think we would be close anymore. Especially if I’m becoming a married woman myself.

If I were you, I would tell her I don't agree with her behavior, tell her I was going to stop driving her places, and implore her to stop doing what she is doing. I think you can expect with certainty that she will not come to your wedding and no longer be your friend. But you also may be giving her the wake-up call she needs to stop what she is doing.

What your friend is doing is objectively wrong. A true friend gently corrects a friend's faults and failures.

**trigger warning for below**

I had a somewhat similar situation with a friend. We were very close in college. Our senior year, one of our male acquaintances raped a passed-out drunk girl and bragged about it. He had also sexually abused me, and I had blamed myself for it for a long time. After that happened, I stopped hanging out with him. She continued to hang out with him, invite him to our parties, even set him up with a friend of hers. Eventually, I told her that I thought what she was doing was wrong, and that if she continued to associate with him and not challenge him about his brazen sexual assault issue, I couldn't be friends with her anymore. Well, she chose to stay friends with him and we weren't friends anymore.

A couple of years later, she separated herself from the offending male and his friends, and she reached back out to me. We aren't close friends anymore, but we have hung out and are now on good terms.

I never once regretted telling her how I felt.