My mom is making my wedding about her...

I mean this in the nicest way possible, I'm not sure what she thinks she's going to be "showing off" if she's trying to host 150 people, in New York, on a $10k budget. I would stand your ground and let your mom know that, while you really appreciate her offer, your vision for your wedding day is more important to you than their financial contribution and while you understand her desires, you will need to turn down their gift if it's going to have so many strings attached.

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Thats exactly what i've been saying to my fiance... no one's going to be impressed by a cheap-o wedding at Villa Chateau Piazza on the Hudson (lol).

Maybe look over prices with your mum so she gets a bit of sticker shock for how expensive things are (she may be remembering lower prices from her wedding I.e. 15+ years ago) and hint that it wouldn't be a fancy wedding for 150 people but it would be amazing for 50 guests etc. Then you're getting a smaller wedding and your mum is actually going to impress people

It sucks because I found reasonable venues that I LOVE in the area, where you can rent the location for $7-9k. So if the guest list was smaller, I could contribute around $7k of my own money and get the wedding I really want. But my mom keeps saying things like:

“It’s not about the location, it’s about the people there with you.”

“All of these people will give you money, so why not invite them?”

She doesn’t understand that I’m not going to look back and wish I’d had all of these people there… I’m going to regret spending that special night amongst people I’ve never met.

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Trust me, I've tried. She just throws the cheapest places back in my face and says "See? We can make it work."

I would explain it to her the way you explained it to us: “I feel like you are more concerned with trying to force us into doing things your way and trying to show off to everyone you know rather than actually listening to what FH and I want for our day. We won’t look back and regret not inviting a bunch of people we don’t (or barely) know, we’ll regret not having the intimate special day we both imagine.” If she doesn’t get that, I don’t think there is a way to make her understand where you’re coming from. Good luck! Family stuff is so difficult sometimes!

Not really advice, but i dont think youre being unreasonable AT ALL its YALLS wedding day and you should get to enjoy it too not just your parents

Contrary to what many seem to say on here, receiving funding does NOT mean the person giving the money gets to run the show. A gift is a gift! You are not being unreasonable.. in fact, I think your mother holds this outdated thinking that her financial involvement means she has some say in every aspect of your wedding. SHE DOESN'T!! Your day, your rules.

You don't convince her that it's not about her, you tell her it's not about her. You could say, "Mom, I love you and am thankful for your involvement in the wedding. We are so happy that you've offered to sponsor our wedding but I feel concerned that we won't have the wedding we want if we go with your preferences and receive your money. Our wedding day is about us and our love and we only want to share this experience with the people closest to us in a location we like and with food we want to be served. I know you have done so much for us out of love. We have decided that we cannot take your contribution and have the day we want. Thanks for understanding. I love you."

I had a lot of the same arguments with my dad and unfortunately, we had to tell my dad we wanted to pay for the wedding on our own in order to stop his controlling. He was so angry at me over it and he still doesn’t ask me any wedding related questions because he’s an angry, bitter man but it’s made it easier for us to make our choices without his input.

My fiance and I made a blanket rule that we are not inviting people neither of us have fond memories of. I.e. no mom's friend of a friend, no fifth cousin I saw at that bbq ten years ago. I literally had a bridezilla moment and went through every name on the list and explained to her who was invited and why, I think she convinced me to add like maybe ten people. She also has said that she's going to host a bigger bridal shower open house to invite all the ladies I didn't invite to the wedding to be involved in something. Fine. If that gets he to be happy okay.

That being said my parents are being the same way. They expect a big grand wedding on my $5k budget. Every time I cut something from the budget for being too expensive or not something we want my mom offers to pay for it to get it in the wedding anyways. My parents didn't do the "if they invited us we invite them" but they have done a lot of "if I'm paying for it you can't say no".

It’s a bit unrealistic to have a budget of 10-12k for a wedding that they want to invite everyone to... that’s just not possible. Tell her how you feel. My mom gave us a budget and that we could do whatever we want as long as it doesn’t go over. Sometimes parents like to live through their children’s wedding to make it the one they wanted or never had. It’s really selfish but you need to talk to her about how you feel and how your vision of your wedding does not align with hers. If she responds with then pay for your own wedding then that means you get to have that small intimate low key wedding you wanted.

Sit down with her again. Plainly tell her you do not want your wedding those places. Inviting that many extra people means she is taking away from the experience her daughter wants and services no purpose.

Have you considered splitting the costs 3 ways? You and FH pay 1/3, your mom 1/3, and FH's family a 1/3? Your mom would still get input and a few invites of her own but it would be much easier to control the situation. Ideally a free wedding is great but yah there are things to deal with.

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It sucks to get to this point, but sometimes this is what's necessary! Tell your mom that it just seems like your vision isn't aligning and it just seems like it's best if you host and pay for your wedding, and you'll let her know who's invited from her "side."

I'm from Westchester...the Villa Barone is the worst...do not get married there!

It sounds like you'll probably just have to decline her helping financially. I think I read it correctly so is there a reason why you 2 aren't taking his family's help? It sounds like your in laws want to help make your dream wedding come true and your parents just want to try to show off what they want

Well i think declining your mother’s contributions to the wedding and paying for it yourselves to ensure you have the vision you want is the answer to your problem. Just make sure you word it right. Take your mom out to lunch and have the heart to heart remember to Thank her several times and let her know how much you appreciate the offer and always being there for you guys. Invite her to host the wedding shower or the rehearsal dinner so she doesn’t feel totally disconnected from the wedding.