My Mom is Trying to be Controlling

Do you guys see each other often? Is she saying this all to her your face or via text/email? Do you plan to invite her to the wedding?

Since your wedding is 2 years away it's definitely time to draw some boundaries with her now. Maybe something like "Thanks for your concern, but as I've repeatedly told you (Fiance's name) does have his GED and I'm not going to send you a copy as "proof." I don't appreciate your constant criticisms of (Fiance name) and I'm asking you politely now to stop constantly questioning his background. If you can't honor this request and remain respectful towards him, I will be forced to stop communicating with you leading up to and including ceasing all contact in the future. Please stop this now."

Side note but I was also abandoned by my mentally ill mother when I was 3 and raised by my paternal grandparents after my dad died 2 years later. Although I saw her on visitations as a kid, for numerous reasons, I don't have a relationship with her today and she hasn't spoken to me or seen me since I was 12 (28 now).

Just because your mom gave birth to you doesn't make her your mother. (I'm going to assume that your grandma stepped into that role the same way mine did.) If you don't want to involve her in your life because of that painful history or simply because she's overstepping too many boundaries you ABSOLUTELY do not have to. Please remember that.

I would just limit communication a lot. You are not required to answer every question, call, or text.

I'm an asshole when it comes to parents trying to be controlling of their adult children when they were absent during childhood, so I would end up saying something really uncalled for after a while.

But seriously. Tell her to back off. You're an adult and you're "allowed" to marry who you want to.

Practice letting things she says go in one ear and out the other. You can't change her, but you can control your response. Don't let her push your buttons.

Boundaries now. Unless she's paying you can firmly but politely say that "thanks, but we've got that covered". Repeat as needed.

@LovroftheArts, I don't call/text/FaceTime her. She's the one who initiates any sort of communication. She'll say "Oh I want to spend time with you," and it rarely happens. She's more interested in being around her husband/in-laws/friends than her own daughter and her parents. My mother says things to/about me/my fiancé to my face and through phone calls and FaceTime.

Currently, I have no plans of inviting or not inviting her. I just want to see how things go before it gets to the point where I have to make the choice of not wanting her. I already have it set in stone that I don't want her sister (my estranged aunt) at my wedding because of her mistreatment toward me over the years.

I don't want to have a relationship with her. I just tolerate her. The only reason I keep an open line is because I want to give my maternal grandparents a sense of peace.

@Jacks, she is definitely NOT paying for the wedding. My grandparents are. They love him to death. They just want what makes me happy, and he is that source.

Kadey that sounds really hard. I'm sorry that things are this way with your family. As the child involved, it was never your fault. Keep people in your life that are positive and let go of all else. (That's just a piece of mom advice that I gave to my kids)

Kadey I'm glad you have your grandparents in your life and I hope you have an amazing wedding!

I should point this out that I also don't have relationship with my father's family at all. He was killed before I was 2, hence of my mom leaving me with her parents. I had a relationship with my paternal grandparents until their deaths in 2006 and 2008, respectively. But other family members of his had no interest in wanting a relationship with me until I was of legal age. They claimed that my mother kept me from them. That may or may not be true, but they also knew where I lived with my maternal grandparents. I cut all of his relatives off completely in 2013. So I'm stuck with my mother's family. I'm just ready for this wedding so I can be my own family with my fiancé.

@Jacks Thank you! They are amazing people. I hope you have a wonderful wedding yourself!

This is hard and I feel for you. I also have family who can be toxic and I have chosen to keep out of my life. Sometimes you just have to be direct about what you want and how much time you can give to a person. In your case, I would not initiate contact, and when she does, keep your conversations very brief and neutral. It should be a privilege for her to talk to you, so if she can't respect your boundaries, end the communication and keep doing it until she gets the point - like training a child.

I think that you just need to shut her down. Firmly but not rude. The next time she starts I would just say 'i know you worry about my life, fiance and wedding but I have things under control. Your support is appreciated but the decisions are mine and (fiance's name) from here.' and change the subject. Repeat every single time.

I just spoke with my fiancé about my mother's recent behavior. He's not surprised that she's acting this way. We both agreed that she doesn't start shaping up and accept what is to come, then we'll probably not invite her to the wedding. He finds it so amusing that my mother wants to be a parent now that I'm about to become someone's wife. I truly think she's bitter with how life has treated her and taking it out on me is not the way to go. She's going to end up losing me completely if she doesn't change or start trying to be supportive.

I'm sorry you're going through this!

OP...although it sounds like you've already made plans to have a wedding ceremony, have you really thought through just eloping?

I only say that because honestly, getting married is about YOU and your PARTNER. It is not about anyone else. It is completely ridiculous and selfish to pressure someone into having a big shindig because "they are the first *whatever* to tie the knot" or any other reason family seems to come up with. You've already mentioned wanting to elope, so truly ask yourself: are you planning this wedding for you and your FH or for your family?

Either way, the boundaries need to go up, hard and firm. LovroftheArts gave you a good outline to use, especially if contact is only through electronic means. In the meantime, if I were you, I'd ignore any attempts of hers to contact you, or at least ignore the wedding talk.