My mom's control issues have zapped the fun out of wedding planning.. how to set boundaries?

The #1 way to set the boundaries is to decline mom's money!
As for the unwanted guests, you could still hire security so only those who are on your guest list are allowed to enter. More and more venues require security anyways.
"My fiance has been saying that the wedding is unfortunately not for us but for everybody else, and I am starting to realize how right he is.": Only if you and him let family take over! If you stand your ground, they can't dictate anything.All our parents asked us to invite friends of theirs and some of their cousins, uncles,aunts, we only accepted to add those we already know, see at least once a year and don't dislike.Boths dads are happy with the number of their friends and their ext. family members we added, both moms are unhappy but we don't care since 1: it's OUR wedding and 2: we still invited thiose thag meet all rules we made. And the fact we're paying for 100% helps, of course. Both moms offered to pay for the 'unwanted'guests but we said NO since it's not a money issue,we could afford more guests but we're not adding those that don't meet our requirements.Fiancé's grandma, some of his ext. family and my dad also pushed for a catholic ceremony but we said some firm NOs : we believe in God and are catholic but we're not religious.

If you do wanna have the wedding you want: 1: decline money offered by others becausz it always comes with string attached, especially coming from parents and grandparents... 2: don't share many details, if they ask about them, tell them you want these to be a surprise.

Another (and very sneaky but likely effective) idea: threaten to cancel the wedding, so you'll either elope o do a courthouse, city hall or Las Vegas ceremony... unless she lets you make the decisions about things that matter to you, including about the guest list.... but tell your man ahead of time so he won't be surprised if your mom or someone else asks him question about the threats and it will let them know that you're a unites front. Sure this is a lie... but at least she will likely give you more power.

Lengthen your engagement until you can save enough money to have the wedding you both want. Most couples pay for their own wedding, and to do this, they wait until they achieve financial stability. You both should feel empowered not powerless at this stage in your life.

The #1 thing I learned from my wedding: If someone is contributing financially, sit down and write out what they will have opinions on BEFORE accepting the money.

If she says she will pay, but wants control of guest list, then say no thanks. If you can compromise and say she gets to help pick out centerpieces, or pick the menu, or whatever you can agree to, then accept the money. Have the explicit conversation. Because this should be YOUR wedding.

This coming from a bride that really didn't feel like it was "my" wedding, and everytime I though we got past a big hurdle, there was another argument. All because we accepted the money and shouldn't have.

So PLEASE have the conversations now and explicitly figure it out, or don't take a dime.

Definitely keep mom out of any further planning discussions. My mom gets super worked up whenever I bring up anything involving my FMIL (that story is a headache for another day), so unless my mom NEEDS to know something, I just say "I don't know," or "It's a surprise," and change the subject.

I think JA's idea about specifying what mom's financial contribution entitles her to an opinion on is great! It gives her something to feel like she has a say in without giving away control of the things that you want a certain way.

It sounds like you have a perfectly acceptable reason for not wanting the people you don't want to invite in attendance. Remind your mom that it's not her or her friends' day, it's yours and your fiancé's day. If she insists on putting her wishes above yours, then tell her she won't be permitted to come. Usually the shock of that alone will be enough to get her to realize how serious you are about it.

Cancel the entire wedding asap. Set and maintain boundaries with mom. Have fiancé support you as a united front. Is she this toxic and controlling in other areas or just wedding planning? If she can’t/won’t be supportive, she needs to take her money back and dial down the criticism. If the negativity extends beyond the wedding planning, limit your contact with her. When she starts to say something mean and negative, hang up the phone or leave. If she continues , you may have to cut off contact depending on how bad it is. Once you have that in place, plan the wedding that you and fiancé want without outside help.

I would threaten to elope if she doesn't cut it out. And decline her money

You can't have boundaries while also taking her money. Money comes with strings attached.

Decline her money and have the ceremony and reception of your own choice.

View Quoted Comment Hi all, I wanted to send an update. I appreciate all of your input SO MUCH. Before this post I didn't have an objective opinion on the situation.


Today I wrote out a list of choices I can make with this situation moving forward and their pros and cons. I realized after reading this thread and weighing pros and cons that I'm not willing to compromise. I had a heart to heart with my dad about my feelings about everything, he talked to my mom for me, and long story short, none of my mom's friends are invited and the guest list is down to the number I wanted on our side. No church ceremony.
However. This experience has changed how I feel about my mom on some level. I never knew she would be willing to prioritize so many other randos over me and be willing to manipulate me and damage our relationship. Weddings really can be a pain in the ass.

View Quoted Comment

Glad to hear you were able to make a choice you are happy with, and have that communicated effectively!

To your second paragraph, I'm sure many of us can relate. I learned very clearly that "someone" very much doesn't respect me or my wishes, and is extremely entitled, going so far as to call it their event, rather than my wedding, and doing really out of line things on the wedding day.

The thing is, there are stereotypes about wedding planning for a reason. It is stressful and honestly brings out the worst in people. Even after the wedding, I am trying to tell myself that the wedding makes people crazy, and even loved ones act ways and do things they would never normally do. Take it with a grain of salt, and try not to hold it against her too much, while also using the way she has acted to inform your decisions on how you will handing things in the future (wedding related and beyond)

I'm glad this had a decent outcome, best of luck as you continue down this crazy road of wedding planning!

View Quoted Comment Glad to hear you are going to do what you want and that you're putting your wants before mom's.
And I'm glad your dad was helpful when he sat her down, at least one person who knows it's your and your fiancé's wedding,. 3 years ago, when my fiancé's sister and my cousin got married (2 distinct weddings), the parents and grandmas acted like crazy because the ceremony was secular, the bride's neckline was too revealing for or the coupld had bridesmen and groomsmaids.
Also : I read so many posts with brides saying: "I didn't want a bridal shower to be thrown for me but didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt mom's or sister's feelings", "I don't wanna dance with my dad but I'm doing it to make him happy" , "I invited X or Y to keep the peace but I don't like them or haven't seen them in a century" ... so I'm happy to hear that finally, another bride is putting her big girl pants, too many brides (in my opinion) put their parents' wishes over theirs, which, when you read them, often comes to bite them.