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Beginner September 2022

My mother is insane

Lizz, on April 25, 2021 at 5:11 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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To make an extremely long background story short, my parents hate each other. My dad is remarried, and I am closer to my step siblings than I am to my brother. My mom has a long term boyfriend that hates me. I get along decently with my dad and step-mom, and my mother and I have a very strained relationship.

My future in-laws are two of the greatest people I have ever met, and my MIL is one of my closest friends.
I am extremely close with my step sister. I want her there specifically for the dress shopping. My mother is crazy, though, and has said she's not welcome. She has also been touchy about my MIL being there due to us being so close. To be up front and honest, my mother claims that she is paying for the dress.
My future FIL and MIL are paying for a majority of the wedding at this point, we are very fortunate and lucky. With this, we more than have the ability to pay for my dress. Is it worth it to tell my mom these people are involved no matter or just say that we are paying for the dress, and if she'd like to join us here is the day and time?
This has been an extremely difficult planning process with my mother involved. Her boyfriend is not invited due to his hatred of me, and he's genuinely a bad person. My mother is jealous of the relationship I havee with my MIL. My mother and I will never have a close relationship. She was not a great person in my life and continues to cause stress and turmoil.
I know I'm not the only one, so how did anyone else handle the insanity? I'm to the point of almost just cutting her out and sending her the invite so she can be there, but have no further participation in anything else.

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Kari, on April 26, 2021 at 11:37 AM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on April 25, 2021 at 5:18 PM
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I would declining the offer your mom has made to pay for the dress that way she can't try to tell you who can go with you to look at dresses. Then I would just tell her who is going with you and if she has a problem then she can stay home.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on April 25, 2021 at 5:25 PM
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Do not discuss plans with her. If she hates your choices that much, she is not required to attend.
Sometimes you have go permanent no contact due to toxicity when someone constantly oversteps boundaries.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on April 25, 2021 at 5:38 PM
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My mom and I have an okay relationship as long as the boundaries I’ve spent years setting actually stay in place. She didn’t come with me to pick out my dress. I shared a few things here and there during planning, but she had no part in planning.
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Dedicated June 2019
Melanie · on April 25, 2021 at 7:24 PM
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I would decline the offer, especially since you can pay for it yourself. Ultimately, these are your choices, not your mothers. You don't need your mother to help with planning, especially if she is overstepping her boundaries.
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Master February 2022
Rosie · on April 26, 2021 at 2:28 AM
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know why weddings make even the most rational people crazy, but it certainly does, and if they weren't all that sane to begin with, things are even more tiring.
I hink the best option is to go shopping with the people you really want - your step sister and MIL, and take your mother separately.
Whether you go shopping for options with mum, and show your MIL and stepsister the shortlist or vice versa, you don't need to tell your mum you're doing that.
Your MIL and stepsister sound like lovely people, so I'm sure they'd understand.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on April 26, 2021 at 4:11 AM
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I'm so sorry. My mother is toxic, too.
I just flat out didn't tell her anything about the planning process. (She didn't offer to pay for anything, either, except a cake she helpfully volunteered to drive 60 miles in August East Coast heat. Without us ever tasting it.)
Don't let her pay for anything, she'll use that to control you.
My mother ended up being offended by the invitations and didn't come.
Which was the best thing that ever happened to the wedding, so ... keep that idea in mind?
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Master May 2020
Kari · on April 26, 2021 at 11:37 AM
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You should have who you want there with you, and if your mother is using paying for the dress as leverage for controlling the situation, simply inform her that you do not need her to pay for the dress. Let her know that having the people you want with you is more important than who pays for the dress.
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