My mother is ruining my wedding planning!!!

Its hard but I think the best thing to do would be to tell her you need to talk. sit down with your mom and explain that you want to get plans moving with the wedding and you cant do that until you know what the money situation is. Explain that you have no problem paying for the wedding yourself but it would be very small if you did and it might end up being a JOP kind of deal with a small family gathering after at someones house (only and example, dont know details) then mention that if she is willing to help you would prefer to do something a bit nicer but are not sure what you can do until you know the total budget. That should at least start the conversation in the right direction. If she starts saying she doesnt know the actual amount say you need a close rough guess and you will try to stay below that. Hope this helps.

I agree with the PP... your wedding planning is supposed to be fun, its supposed to be a happy time to share with those close to you.

you have to talk with her. she cant keep going back and forth.

good luck with all the plans!

Another thing to consider....I know when we first started planning our wedding, we knew we had only 6 months to do it if we wanted it in August....so I wanted to jump right in.

My mother acted really weird at first. She was also negative about everything. I am her second child and her only daughter and couldnt understand why she had some desire to cut down every idea I had....I soon realized that it was just her way of processing that I was getting married. By a month into the planning she was fine. We had talked it over and I told her how important it was that she was excited about this wedding....and how important it was that we got along....but at first she had a little anxiety about it all....kind of the irrational paranoia stuff that made no sense and it just took her a bit to calm down. For instance, one day out of the blue she said "are you sure he is going to go through with it?' I though what a thing to say! there was no evidence he wouldnt. she was just nervous!

Resentment is a hard thing to deal with. Take a few deep breaths. Remember what it's all about.

I like the "should we elope" question. I think if you and FH could handle that... do it. If it's what you want and you don't think you would regret it later... do it. Go to www.letsrunaway.com for a fun little site that is all pro-eloping (you won't get much pro-eloping stuff on a wedding industry driven website). Then again... if eloping isn't for you... that's okay too.

I feel you should sit down with your mother and tell her your situation just the way you told us. That you finished school, you are focused on your wedding, and thinking about buying a house. Let her know you want her to be part of everything, but make sure you impress upon her that you need to know the extent she is willing to help otherwise you are afraid you will just have to elope...trust me she probably wont like that idea at all and you will get a reaction from her as to what she is willing to do. Keep in mind sometimes it is hard for a mother to see her baby moving on. You are still her little girl Try not to get frustrated.

Best Wishes,

I am sorry to hear that your mother is putting a dark cloud over what is suppose to be the happiest part of your life. But your not alone my mother did the same thing all the way up to the rehearsal. I decided that I couldn't handle it so my fiance at the time sat down put a budget together...a small one but it was still there and we started planning the small stuff I picked out my dress with my MOH and put the deposit down myself and let me tell you as soon as she heard I did that she called me up and said hey we pulled some money out of the bank for you if you want to meet for lunch I can give it to you. I couldn't believe it. It took me going out on my own for her to understand that I was going to have the wedding that I wanted and not her! Consider something like that to get her thinking I know at first your sad about it but you get over it when the headache is gone

best of luck!

I wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from. My FH and I have been engaged for 6 months (dating for 5 years) and our wedding isn't until 2011. We are planning on buying a house this year also. Is it isn't my mom whose acting this way, it's my grandmother, but she is more like a mother to me than my mom and I'm currently living with her. I'm an only child and only grandchild, to make matters worse! Neither of my parents nor my nan has ever said they'd pay for my wedding, which is fine, I just want them all to be excited with me. Anytime I mention wedding or house my nan totally avoids my comments, won't go look at sites with us, not that I want my dress now but I'd like to do wedding-like things, she will not partake at all! Everyone on my FH's side is excited, it's just my immediate fam whose making it difficult. But like PPs have said, and she finally admitted, I think it goes back to my nan realizing that I'm leaving and she doesn't want to face that.

Hah, didn't mean to vent, I just wanted you to know that there are others out there in your situation. I think when our parents/grandparents got married there was no +1 year engagements, they did everything MAX 1 year ahead of time (so I've heard). I see your wedding isn't for about a year and couple months, maybe your parents are thinking similarly to my family 1. they finally have to face us leaving but more importantly 2. they think since the wedding is not for over one year we have plenty of time to do everything we want.

We have talked about eloping - insurance issues! But I wouldn't suggest it, I believe that you would want your family there, obviously! because you care enough about your family and mom to bring this to the board.

Maybe you'll have to be like one of the PP wrote about going out and getting the dress for it to finally set in for them and help out.

... Good luck, try to smile ...

I think if it does come down to you eloping then maybe your mom will know you are serious and then maybe she will keep her word and pay for your reception and then maybe you can plan a big reception together. then that will be less stress upon you because you are already married

Sometimes it can be hard to have a serious talk with your parents about how much they are willing to spend. What they spent when they got married, won't get you far these days, even if you cut corners.

I suggest writing a letter, explaining what you need from her, what having your mother being a part of this day means to you, and how you hope to be able to give this wonderful gift to your children one day. State that you don't want to take advantage of them, and that you have listed out everything that you need ( the main things, venue, cake, dress) and have her write down how much they feel they can afford to help with each item. Explain that you didn't want to fight about it, you didn't want there to be pressure but to be fair you need to know what you can all afford to do together.

This may help take some of the pressure off, and it might get you some answers you are looking for. You can always elope and have a huge house warming wedding party in your new home at a later date.

Both my parents and my future in-laws understand that the price of weddings has gone up, and want us to have the big wedding with the full reception, but both of them also gripe about how little their wedding cost. And about how no one helped them pay for it. And FH and I never asked them for money. And my parents believed right up to a month ago when we put the $500 deposit down on the venue all by ourselves that they were the only people paying for it, which resulted in continuously being told that we were being rude and going over budget.

I say sit down and tell them you have to have a serious conversation about money. Then ask how much they will give, and how they'll be giving it to you.

Although it seems like the wedding is a ways off, depending on where you live, many venues and vendors are booked that far out. A wedding planner consultation might prove to be a real eye opener for mom. Those are usually free and they can provide a great deal of useful and current information. You may actually be surprised by the reaction you get from your mom once she is jump-started. The issue of budget is always scary for parents, especially these days with so mucn uncertainty. However,an experienced planner can offer so many alternatives that you can still achieve what YOU want at the price that mom can afford. A great wedding planner can also be a great buffer to take the stress off your shoulders. I hope it all works out for you.

I see how frustrating this can be. Even though they said they would pay for it, it seems like they are going back on their word. Whether you elope or are planning a big wedding, this should not be a stressful time at all! Its got to be pretty hard trying to plan a wedding w/ no budget w/ the parents hand in it. I would feel the same way if FH kept going back on his word or couldn't give me a budget. I would either a) draw up a budget w/ a schedule like wedding gown - $500, must purchase by 3/30/09; deposit for venue $1,000, must be paid by 7/15/09 and so on. I would show this to her, to see where she really stands - to see if she really wants to help! If she is not helpin you make progress, b) just tell her your focus is on building a future w/ fh and and getting a house and since you and fh will be paying for the wedding details, you guys have decided to keep it simple (elope). And like the fellow knottie said, just have a nice reception next yr or whenever.

But i personally do not think its worth the stress of not knowing what direction you are even going in with the budget. Even though they said they would do it, do not look at it as it is there obligation... if they do it great, if not oh well... elope! being w/ the one you love is more important than any of the tom foolery they are trying to put u through... good luck... keep us posted

Have a heart to heart with your mom - it may be that her finances have taken a turn for the worse and she doesn't know how to tell you she can't do everything you want. Work on setting a budget based on what she can do or see what she (and other family members) can contribute towards your big day.

I didn't have a chance to read the previous comments, sorry if i reiterate...

watch the movie "Monster-n-law" with her and it may open the discussion about boundaries, especially when it comes to negativity. then sit down with both your parents and discuss on paper what budget they had in mind, if any, to contributing. that way you all come to an agreement on a figure and its a donation to the wedding as a whole not a particular cake or location... then your mom may not feel so "in control' with how you use that money.

also let her know you love her and value her suggestions but that's all they are, SUGGESTIONS. so you hope she won't be offended when you don't take all her suggestions! wink.

good luck!