My Mother is Taking Over!

If you want things your way then you need to pay for the wedding entirely yourself with your fiancé.

Best advoce I have received regarding weddings and fiance is: Every dollar you accept from loved ones is an amount of control you're giving away.

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Oh I’m definitely trying to! She won’t let me!

I’ve yet to allow them to ANY money on me. I paid for all my cars, for undergrad and grad school, everything I’ve done on my own simply because I don’t want them to feel entitled to any part of my life. My mom literally went behind me and cancelled my contracts with my vendors. She has now increased the expenditures to the point where I can’t afford them.

I would just go ahead and plan your own wedding with your own money and not invite them, so that you can have your small wedding, or go elope ahead of what your parents are planning then.

I feel for you and sorry your having to deal with this ... and would just wanna throw it back at them which is why i suggested what i did previously

View Quoted Comment How could she cancel vendors if you're the one who discussed and/or signed contracts?!

Cancel everything- refuse to participate, give the dress back. You are going to have to put your foot down & refuse to participate in “her” wedding. This isn’t your wedding or your vision.

I agree with what people are saying above, I would honestly cancel whatever their planning as it is not YOUR WAY and make it yours where you want it, how you want it and when you want it because you can’t please others who don’t support what you want and how your really feel about the ideas. You need to put your foot down and let them know how it really is. If they disapprove then they don’t have to come! Simple as that then you get your small wedding

Honestly, I’d tell her how you feel and that you & your fiancé are taking back control and paying for the wedding you both want. She can 1) attend or 2) not. Or just elope if such drama continues. Her behavior is unacceptable.

Yeah, I would cancel all HER vendors, call your old vendors, and explain that she had no right to cancel them, as her name was not on the contract. (They may not actually be fired, as ... again, she's not on the contract.)

No is a complete sentence and if she continues to plan a wedding, tell her, "I hope you enjoy *your* party, but *our* wedding is *location, time, date*. You are welcome to come. We'll miss you if you do not."

Your mom can only plan your wedding if you let her. I don't understand how she can cancel your vendors, so I agree that you might still be on the hook with them & need to check. But then, tell her you aren't taking her money or help, and that she'll find out the plan when she receives an invite.

Don't talk to her about planning from here on out. If she asks, just say you haven't decided on that piece yet.

Pay for your wedding yourself then that way you can choose what you want to do!

I agree with everyone above. If you're able to cancel the vendors she picked out, then do so. Once that's all done, go about planning like you did before. Don't mention anything about the wedding to her because that invites her in to give her opinion (which sounds to me like she's very hurtful with hers).

Sometimes it helps to sit your parents down and let them know how the process is making you FEEL. I discussed with my mother how we were grateful she was splitting the venue with us, but her rude opinions and controlling nature was not needed. She ended up making me the bad guy and basically said if she's paying then she has a say in everything. (which she doesn't). I ended up calling her and told her that this process was supposed to be a fun bonding experience for us both and that she was hurting our relationship by degrading me and my FH's decisions. While her heart was in the right place, her wedding vision isn't the same as mine and my FH's.

You told your parents that you appreciate what they do, but you want to do things their way. From what you said, it looks like that dialogue isn't working. They might see it as you both being ungrateful when that isn't the case. Try expressing your feelings to them and how hurt you are at their judgements and words.

I hope this helps a little bit! Keep your chin up, and plan the wedding of YOUR dreams!

We are paying for our own wedding and couldn’t be happier about it! I told my family if they want to help they can but it is to be a gift at the wedding if they choose so. I informed them that we would be grateful but it would not change how we plan or spend the money. We had an overly opinionated flair up with engagement photos that I quickly nipped in the bud. My family is Eastern European so things could get out of hand if I allowed it to. Point blank— it is our wedding, my parents took it surprisingly well and are respectful of all of our choices THANK GOD. We are in our mid thirties and adults. Like no, you are not about to tell me how to run my show. That being said I’m sorry you are going through this with her. I know many parents and family members do this and have seen it in my own culture as well. Don’t give your control away. Do not let your mom steam roll you out. Have the wedding you want, give her her string attached money back and say no thank you. Best wishes babe.

I totally agree, I don't see how a third party could cancel your vendors, so definitely check on that.

I'm sorry your mom is being overbearing. I don't know if your family culture is one where you can stand up to her or not in the ways suggested by prior comments. Sometimes it's the case that you actually need to go talk to your other parent or another relative who is close with her, rather than talking directly to the problem person, and then they can influence her to do what you want.

If you're really worried about her demanding payment in the future, you can always seek legal counsel to determine if you have legal redress for refusing that demand. My guess is you'd need something like a dated statement you'd delivered to your mom (i.e., an e-mail) explicitly telling her you do not want her to spend anything on your wedding and will not hold yourself as indebted to her for the amount spent.

It sounds like your vision for your wedding is really lovely. It's worth fighting for.