My parents aren't on board with the location we want to get married

If you are incredibly independent and have certain requirements - I think you should consider paying for the wedding yourselves. Then you can dictate where and what your day will be like. Congrats!

Often, when someone else chips in for the wedding, they expect to get a lot of say in what they're paying for. The current issue is the wedding location, though this same issue may come up again if they disagree with you on things like the guest list, the meals served at the wedding, the invitations, etc. One thing you could do is turn down their offer to pay for any part of the wedding, and instead pay for the entire wedding yourselves. That way, your parents do not get a say in the location, and you and your fiance can plan the exact wedding that you both want. Any time they insist on you changing the location, you could reply with something along the lines of, "We already made up our minds on where we want to get married, and we will not consider other ideas on this topic."

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If we were able to pay for the entire wedding ourselves, we absolutely would -- I should have caveated that haha. If it came down to it we could try to make it work but it probably wouldn't be the wedding we want either, simply due to lack of funds for everything. So, unfortunately, we kind of do need my parents to pitch in.

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Unfortunately, we can't afford to pay for the entire thing ourselves. If we could, this definitely wouldn't be an issue! That's why I'd love some advice on how to best handle, I obviously understand that my parents feel entitled to input because of the fact that they're contributing a substantial amount of money, but I'm wondering how to best navigate this tricky situation since we have quite a bit of planning ahead of us.

Agree with the idea of paying for it yourselves and if you can't afford it without their money, could you afford it if you removed some of the "nice-to-have but not 100% necessary" things?
Shaving people from your guest list, especially those you don't want there, will help to decrease the costs too.Plus, "my parents are pretty closed-minded people and historically haven't been very flexible or open things that are outside of what THEY feel is the "traditional" way to do things -- so you can imagine how planning a wedding is going. I'm incredibly independent but have always tried to please them and appease their guilt my entire life": this is another reason to pay out of your pocket if you can , it's supposed to be the best day of your life but you wouldn't be happy to have it in OC.And based on what they feel is the way to do things, they could also give unwanted opinions on when to have a first kid how to name them, where you should live etc ... I'm 100% you won't want that, will you?

Are you willing to change your date so you and your fiancé can save money and afford it without compromising on your vision of the wedding?

I can sympathize with you about parents who believe their way is the only way. Mine are like that too. Realistically, if they’ve always been close-minded, the only way you’re going to be able to have the wedding you want is by paying for it yourself. Could you trim down the guest list or look at venues that offer brunch weddings? Or even Friday nights are sometimes cheaper. I know it’s not ideal, but it doesn’t sound like you want the wedding your parents are willing to pay for.

I hate to say it but, if your parents are largely paying for your wedding, then it's only fair that they should get a significant say in determining the location. My advice for navigating the situation is to either have the wedding in Orange County with your parents' money or to pay for it yourselves and have a smaller and more scaled back wedding in the location of your choice.

My suggestion would be to take a weekend up to SLO with your parents, and look at venues. Having a conversation about it over the phone, or at your place in LA or theirs in OC may not do all the persuading you'd like it to do. Perhaps if you took them up there, they may see why you love it up there and want to have your wedding in that area.

I'm biased, as I myself got engaged up in SLO and if I wasn't having an evening wedding in the winter, would have seriously considered having it up there myself (but it was legit 40 degrees the night we got engaged, which is also the same day of the year we are getting married and if I wanted that, I'd get married by my parents in Boston). It's a beautiful area and if you happen to know a few places you were already thinking of getting married, a weekend up there with them may help move their feelings.

The other thing I would suggest is letting them know that you're deeply, deeply, thankful for their help in paying for your wedding, but it is still your wedding and you would like it to reflect you and your fiancé, not them. You'd love their help in planning and look forward to having them involved, but in the end you'd like it to be about the two of you, and not them.

My friend's in-laws were very "this is how its done, and this is how we are doing it" back when they got married in August (also in Orange County) and you could tell the wedding wasn't about my friend and his wife. It was about her parents.

Take a drive (stop in Solvang for lunch, get them drunk on good wine and full up on yummy Danish pastries), stay somewhere fun (I'm a sucker for The Madonna Inn because kitsch is my calling), and take them to some places that you'd love, and that mean something to you two and try and explain why you want to be married in SLO.

I know it isn't what you would like to hear but unfortunately if your parents are the way you say they are and they are in fact paying for the majority of the wedding than I say you either plan a wonderful elopement (just do it and ask for forgiveness later), or look at places in Orange County. I am getting married in Corona Del Mar at the Five Crowns restaurant. Check it out...no ceremony or reception fees just food and drink minimums. OR try planning a day with your parents to look at venues in SLO....especially ones you think they would fall in love with. Perhaps you can steer them in direction you want with a little jedi mind tricks. I hope it works out in your favor.

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Thank you so much for this thoughtful & honest reply, I truly appreciate it! I love that you got engaged in SLO, it's the best place in the world (though I'm biased too haha)

So, we are actually all going up to SLO to look at venues in two weekends -- we've got 6 tours planned that have been scheduled for weeks, which is great. I'm really hoping that being up there and looking at everything together will really help give them a change of heart. Coincidentally, my parents also both attended college in SLO, just like my fiancé and I, which is why it's even more of a bummer that they of all people don't seem to understand the appeal for us & why it's so important -- because they know how magical & wonderful it is too!

Really hoping that we can have a nice little weekend together & that it will make a big difference for them. At the end of the day I know they mean well, truly, but it never comes across that way and it's very frustrating.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately, there is not likely to be any magic way to navigate this situation. If you rely on your parents to fund your wedding, it sounds like you are also going to have to accept the strings attached to that money. If you have only been engaged a couple months, and just the location is already causing heated discussions and rifts in your relationship with your parents, I don’t foresee things getting better for you. Most likely what will happen is your parents will demand you have the wedding in Orange County or they will pull their funds.

Make your guest list of all the people you and FH truly want there. Where are most people located? Do any of your guests also have a special connection to your college town? Maybe if your parents see that not everyone lives in OC they will be on board with it. If it's only their friends, who live in OC it's not really fair for them to demand it being there. Just a thought.

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Great tip! Most people on our list live somewhere within Southern California, and most of my fiancé's and my friends are from college -- meaning that SLO is a place really special & fun for them as well as us. The only people really in Orange County are my immediate family (about 7 people) and then all of my parents' friends/invites, not mine.

View Quoted Comment I think presented with that information they would have to understand. Stand your ground. Eventhough they are paying, you and FH need to have a respectable amount of control. Good luck to you!

I think you can stand your ground, but be prepared for them not to want to chip in as much. If you rely on someone else you kind of become subject to what they want. Be prepared to also have their input on your guest list.

View Quoted Comment Totally — but I think my question also is, is this typical to experience with parents when planning your wedding? As in, is there usually disagreement and are my partner and I just supposed to do whatever our parents want vs what we ourselves want?


I guess I just figured they’d be a lot more supportive, understanding and excited for what our vision is, knowing us and our relationship. So I’m just curious whether what I’m experiencing is “the norm” or not.

View Quoted Comment Sadly, yes. Anytime parents pay or contribute, they tend to have a LOT of say. It seems very frustrating for couples here. Honestly, either try to make suggestions but be ready to accept what they want OR pay for the wedding you can afford and have the vision you want.

I had this issue with my parents...except they were not the ones paying. This is also my 2nd month of planning my wedding and we've had way too much drama. We ended up meeting in the middle to keep my parents happy. This is unfortunately what comes with wedding planning. Super sorry you are dealing with this.

Our parents helped and fortunately we all loved the venue. However, my sisters wedding was loaded with drama. I agree with Monica. Try to find a way to meet in the middle...if you can. Also, don't forget to enjoy being engaged.

Hoping it goes well and they love the SLO venues. One other thing you could do while touring with your family is to mention that you are open for all other wedding festivities that would have your parents or their friends (engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, etc...) to be in Orange County, so that friends who may not be wanting to travel can still enjoy celebrating your upcoming marriage.