My Partner & Family have no issues but don’t vibe

If other people don’t mesh together, that is not on you. Some people don’t get along with different personalities than their own and it is what it is. As long as no one goes out of their way to cause drama, having differences is completely normal. Limit contact according to their comfort zone unless it reaches the point where there is an issue.

Different families have different expectations, and not everyone views in law relationships the same way. In my family, for example, friendly and polite is the norm - people don’t become bosom buddies just because they marry into the family. We also don’t have family gatherings as a big part of our social lives - individuals will see each other, that sort of thing.
However, I have friends who think that’s bonkers and can’t believe we don’t have family events every couple of weeks.
Do you feel at ease with how your future spouse relates to your family? Does you want them to develop deeper bonds? Is that something they are interested in? All that matters is that you two develop the dynamic that works for you!

View Quoted Comment Exactly! People don’t think like this anymore. Not everyone is going to get along with each other so long as there’s no outward disrespect. Thank you.

View Quoted Comment I personally don’t feel uncomfortable because I know what it’s like to not particularly vibe with someone but then be guilt tripped into pretending that I did for the sake of things not being weird for others. With that situation I’ve learned to listen to myself and what I want and I try to apply that to this current situation with my partner. My partner and family haven’t outwardly expressed, nor have I, discontent with their relationship it’s just noticeable they don’t have a relationship when it’s time for family events and special occasions so things can get weird.

View Quoted Comment That’s something that you will need to dig deep on. Come up with specifics - vibe is a good start, but it is a loose term for many people.
I am a big believer in listening to your gut. If something is nagging at you, pay attention. Bring it out to the light. It may or may not be an issue, but you won’t knkw until you look at it!

For most people relationships are built gradually over time and require fairly equal amounts of effort on both sides to progress beyond superficial politeness (note: there is nothing wrong with superficial politeness among in-laws!). So, I don't think anything needs to be done with the relationship you describe between your future spouse and your family as having "no issues but don't vibe."

If there are actual issues underlying the "lack of vibe", then those should be addressed appropriately. Otherwise, live and let live, and allow things to develop naturally.

I have 5 sisters-in-law, 4 brothers-in-law, and 3 parents-in-law. I have different relationships with each, depending on our own personalities. Likewise, my husband is close to some of my siblings and parents and not close with others. All depending on what they do or don't have in common, how much time they've spent together, etc.

Eh, you can’t force closeness. My DH has basically no relationship with my family, whom we hardly ever see. When he sees them he’s warm and friendly, but they’re not close in anyway. And that’s totally fine! I’m sorry there’s rifts that occur—what does that look like? Is is tolerable or super awkward every time they’re together?

Some people think of marriage as a joining of families. They live close to one another, spend more weekend and holiday time with family than friends, stay in each other's homes no matter how crowded, rather than hotels when they come to visit. As a matter of money. They are insulted not to be kept close. Businesses are frequently filled with relatives....
Then there are those who feel the 2 families intersect once or twice every few years, and other than that are mostly separate. No anger, or hostility. Grown children and families are close to one family, or neither. Friends are more often seen than family.... It can be hard for a couple to establish what they want, when surrounded by family who feel differently. And difficult to not get into wars when different opinions surface which is ALWAYS. We had a hard time with FI family at first, and made his parents frantic. The 4 sibs to marry before my hubby all married people from the neighbor Hood, where all of their aunts, uncles and cousins lived too. And married at the local Parrish Hall in huge weddings with children. Then settled within 5 Mike's, getting a job from a relative. We were the first of what ended up as 3 sibs who moved from NYC to the land of trees, ski on your own land, more bears on the property be than people for us and some others. 3 interracial, mixed religion marriages, 6-8 hours drive from NYC . As the first to separate when we went, mostly seeing 3 younger brother and sisters spouses, then families, we broke from the other 8 kids. No anger or hostility, but that is not how the home crew saw it. The first 4 years, nobody got as far north as B oston, never mind us. And we put our foot down at once a month dinner in NYC with the 20-25 who would be at mom and pops every Sunday. So hard to not get into arguments. Grandparent-hood finally got the parents north to visit, after 4 years of marriage with only teenage nieces and nephews coming to visit. And all the parents horrors about how we must live and think, disappeared them. And a few of huuby's sibs who moved up when they got out of school. All working together in one business an hour away,twe don't want to join. We are far from introverts. But every bit of our private lives is not up for inspection. We do not share when we do not want opinions. We are not on social media. We do ask for opinions when we want them, which took a couple years to establish . I have a big ( not huge like hubby) family, but close as we are and feel, only one be and my parents could probably name all of hubby's family except the parents. But all the anger over not being close enough, gets in the way of peaceably getting to know each other, for most. The other 3 Maverick couples understand. Hard to mix a share everything big family with smaller, quieter, more private couple like us. Without the kids, there would be no bridge. As is, they our two sets of parents and our extra grandmother and grandfather ( open adoption) together. And we only get along in that mode, but we get along well enough for a happy home. Nothing is wrong with either way, merging families, or just intersecting at specific points. But they are hard to mix with each other without conflict. Living a day's drive apart is the only thing that makes it work.

You are not responsible for others' relationships.

I am super close to my MIL. I'm getting close to my FIL.

SIL?

Nope.

DH would love for us to be close, but during wedding planning, I finally looked at him and said, "it's not going to happen". We have known each other since 2012, and we ... just don't mesh. We don't necessarily CLASH (mostly because I'm older than her and I ... keep my mouth shut), but we aren't about to be best friends any time soon.

As long as people are respectful and kind, they don't have to be best friends. Just recognize that asking him to spend a LOT of time with them during the holidays will be a big ask, and make sure to spend time with his family.

View Quoted Comment I haven’t tapped into my gut feelings. It’s really been a non issue for me and was only recently addressed by an outsider who thought the dynamic was calm, but weird at a family function.

View Quoted Comment I head you, appreciate this post

I Hear you*

View Quoted Comment Yes I completely understand. The compromise has been just come to an event but we don’t have to stay the entire time. Now that I’m paying attention to the dynamic more between both sides, those feelings were always there no one just wanted to speak on them because they were fine with how things were currently swept under the rug. Like I mentioned in a previous post until the dynamic was pointed out by an outsider. That’s when I noticed and that’s when everyone spoke up, in a non belligerent way. I think the problem is too, generally people aren’t disagreeable and people generally want to click with one another and so the minute theres something noticeably different it’s pointed out. No one is comfortable being themselves, even if that means outwardly expressing their discontent with someone or something.

View Quoted Comment I wonder what this outsider’s motive was? Do you think it was in good faith? Is the outsider someone who’s judgement you trust?

This isn't on you at all. It just happens sometimes. As long as they all can be in the same space without openly fighting I think you're fine. Even in blood families people don't always mesh - it happens.

My MIL and I don't get along. I'm cordial with her whenever we see her, but the minute she starts getting difficult at all I'm out. She essentially hated me when we first started dating (it's been over 5 years) because she didn't like me "taking up all of his time" and only came around when she finally realized I wasn't going anywhere, which means I have no desire to be buddy buddy with her.

To answer your question, no of course your partner and family not getting along isn't your fault. Like many have already said, not everyone is going to be besties with everyone. However, it is up to you to determine how you want your life and relationships to be in the future especially once kids are in the mix. Personally, I would never be with someone that didn't get along with my family. My family is super close and we love to hang out with each other so it is important to me that a partner is recognizes that importance. That's not to say it's wrong to not be close with in-laws just that everything is personal preference. You should think about what you want the relationship to be for yourself because I definitely would not be okay only seeing my family occasionally and for holidays because there's a weirdness between my partner and family. Things that are important to you should also be important to your partner.

View Quoted Comment How do you all feel about the saying ‘when you marry someone you are marrying their family also’ ?

Maybe you do and maybe you don't. It is easiest when both halves of a couple want to be close to family, or don't. One trying to be close while the other pushes away, is tough on the marriage. One of my quieter but not introverted sister's, a listener, is headed for divorce over these conflicts. Husband say to mom, come in any time, our home is your home. But my sister has 20 or so drawers, and 3 rooms she got a cabinetmaker and locksmith to install locks on, to keep her mother in law, her sister, and hubby's sister from persistently snooping. Makes my sis sound nuts. But she grew up in a family of 12, and lived with 4 people in a house for years before marriage, with no need for a lock or keeping a door shut. Individual familshare but respect each other's privacy. ... But since marriage, it is the biggest issue. Ms. Boundaries meets a family with None, and a husband with none between him and the family he grew up in. Who live blocks away! Same values, same agenda, it works. Different, a misery.

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I do believe that, but I also believe that looks different for everyone. I really think that you and the person you marry need to be on the same page with handling family for the relationship to work. If one partner is very close to their family and the other partner isn't close with theirs it likely means both parties grew up with different senses of what family means. That's not a bad thing but it would affect how they approach all family including their partners. For the partner close to their family, if their partner has not desire to be close, that could be a strain on the relationship with their partner if they don't feel like they put in the effort to be close with their family. On the flip side, the partner that wasn't close with their family growing up may crave that familial closeness provided by their partners family. As long as both partners are respectful of each other's preference when it comes to family, even if different, it can absolutely work.

For your situation, you need to decide how you want your life to look with your family and your partner. If you are fine with not being close then great, if you're not okay with it or feel it could cause issues in the future you should have an honest conversation with your partner about your expectations because you ultimately can't change people or enter into anything with the mindset that your partner with change their mind in the future or things will work themselves out and you should know all of this before getting married. A lot of couples get into trouble with this mindset especially about having children/how many thinking one person will change their mind or be the one to compromise and it leads to resentment. Like Judith said, family issues can be cause for divorce. You want to be open and honest with expectations as well as boundaries and be on the same page before entering into marriage.