My Passive-aggressive Family is Ruining my Big Day...

You should cut them out of the planning even though I know you don’t want to. I don’t think you have another choice. I’m planning my wedding by myself from out of state. It’s not that bad. I pick out things I like, ask my fiancé’s opinion, and then do it. And I just get to be excited about it without someone else’s unwanted opinion.

I am so sorry to hear this. I too have been. Going through something similar with my family. I have been called controlling and that I am micro managing everything. I am just trying to get things done! My mom has said hurtful things, made me cry, upset me, And made the most enjoyable parts of planning a wedding miserable. My nest advise would be to not plan anything for a little while. Just give yourself some time to you. Do not let any of their comments get to you. If you love the dress and you feel beautiful in it and you know your fh is going to love it, then it's the perfect dress for you! Just remember it's your wedding and it's going to be amazing! Good luck, try not to let things upset you And be happy!

Both of my parents strongly dislike my fiance. I haven't talked to them in a year because of it. Even when we got engaged there was no congrats at all. I decided I am not inviting them to the wedding because it will ruin my big day. I say you do what makes you happy. It's your special day that's all about you and no one else. Do what you want and what will make you happy!!

I wouldn't call most of that passive-aggressive. It's flat out aggressive.

Cut them out of the planning. It sounds mean, but they aren't making it fun. And it's supposed to be fun. If they ask why, you can tell them that. You may be open to ONE second chance if they adjust their attitudes about it.

First off, since when does it matter a darn where your girlfriend's mother is when you propose to her? Only someone extremely egocentric can hear news of their daughter's marriage proposal, and think the fact that she was not nearby has anything to do with anything. She is not passive- aggressive, she has been aggressive, on the attack, since day one. When someone narcissistic takes the offense, not saying any positive words, or making any suggestions that are considerate of others feelings or even based in reality (the $ 6,000 dress) her immediate assumption you are going to screw up the whole thing starting with the dress budget, because that is her estimate of anything you think of that is not coming to her for all her wisdom, leaves you only 2 possibilities: cower and do nothing on your own, for fear you will do wrong in her eyes. Or be an adult, a capable and independent and emotionally healthy person who recognizes mother's narcissism for the dysfunctional thing that it is. I am happy to read that you are pulling away. Do not give them any power over you, feeling you are the bad one for not including them. To some degree, abused children usually feel ripped apart, why is the mother I love ( or other relative) doing this to me. Getting married is a major statement, I am stepping 2 steps away from the family that raised me, and forming a new and independent family with my spouse, and often children that come. This is why she ( and the mother that raised her) are being so much more nasty now. She wants control. She wants your admission all her decisions are right, and that both your husband and you will go to her in the future, not do a thing without consulting her first. No. Your emotional survival depends on you not doing this. Your husband's respect and love for you would wither and die if you let her do this now and throughout your early marriage. It is hard, it is miserable, and the best thing you can do is put her on the guest list, and as with other guests, say nothing about decisions you make, until she gets an invitation. Same with Grandmother, and anyone else who is giving you grief. The only thing you will hear from now on will be yes we are coming, no we are not, from the toxic members of your family. If asked by others ( some MOB complains to, and others), the answer to her not being part of planning, is simple. From before we got engaged, FI and I decided that the best preparation for a long and healthy marriage, is for us to jointly plan all aspects of our engagement year and wedding. Deciding what we want, sometimes making reasonable compromises that work for us, handling a budget responsibly so that we can have as much we want as possible without going into debt for the future, making good decisions together. All these are healthy goals. As to mom's inevitable, what about what I think? The answer is, you will not be living our lives with us for the next forty years, our strength and decision-making has to be developed without any other person taking control. At first it will tear at you. Then it will be a massive relief. It has to end sometime. You do not want this nastiness in your decisions about where you live, employment decisions, when or if they decide you may have a pet, much less children. Cut loose from it before the first decision about holidays, or how much time they expect you to do things for them on their schedule. Be strong. I hope it gets better. A happy time starting your own family.

Your mother and grandmother are my mother and grandmother when they're at their worst! PLEASE keep them at bay with your planning. Keep them an arms length away, do not feel guilty about it either! Find what you want with your MOH, show your mom and grandma second IF they ask, don't offer up information freely. This goes for anything: venues, tablecloths, flowers, etc.
I will say that it can get better. I had an awful relationship with my mom, moved out of the house as soon as I could, etc. In this past year she has actually genuinely apologized for her previous behavior and become a woman I have never known. I was so afraid to one day have to wedding shop with my mother. I had planned out exactly how I would shop and find the dress, go to the store with her after and show her a few and pretend I just found it. I am so glad to say I did not have to do that, and she was wonderful about dress shopping. Put on a brave face and kill her with kindness, ignore what she has to say now, and I hope one day she turns around as well! People can change, but right now, you are who you can control. Prepare yourself on days you have to deal with the passive aggression, think positively and about the best way to shut her down without being sucked into the drama she is attempting to create.