My perfect dress is making me face parental issues

Hi Mimimushrooms! Welcome to WW. It sounds like you are experiencing the plight of many couples with overbearing caregivers. Your wedding is not for another year, and yet they've expressed a lot of their distaste already. So I will reiterate others' advice, and try to tell them less. When they ask for details, be casual and vague, "we haven't decided yet" and change the topic. It sounds like they have had to be very hands-on and protective, but they also need time to learn boundaries (as we all). For some cultures, disagreement is even offensive. So in the everyday, tell them less and you will argue less.

I also think their big issue is that they feel less included. So maybe give them a couple big things, like hosting a dinner of the 2 families (a tone-down engagement party). And this will be controversial, but one thing that knocks out traditional parents is giving them the church. But, only consider this if it's not a dealbreaker to you and your future spouse. As for why are parents so insistent on what goes on your body-- I have no idea. Even down to wedding earrings, people choose oddities to control. Stand your ground. You and your partner have your own multi-cultural influences, tastes, and ideas, and you should be heard and respected. If you have to remind your parents you are of both worlds, then say it straight.

Ps. I've been trying to figure out what kind of Asian you are. I'm SE Asian married to a mainland? Asian and we are both raised in the US. We decided to include some cultural elements ourselves in ceremony and decor, because it was important to us. In my case, parents were almost too laid back, and I actually wanted to do the tea ceremony. I hope you and your FH have a wedding that expresses your individuality and priorities. Your loved ones still want the best for you, just give them grace to learn how to share you with others. Best wishes!

I was going to suggest trying to appease them by using two outfits, but you're already planning on changing, and are facing additional stress there. My other suggestion is to show them how much you love it. I'm not sure your situation, but if there was a way to bring them to see you try it on, versus other dresses. So they can see you radiate. By the way you describe the salon reacting to you in it, it must've been a sight to behold. You were clearly radiating. So maybe sharing that with them may sway them. Otherwise, I think the only way through this, as is probably the case with some of your other listed areas of contention, is probably to just talk to them, and try to persuade them over time. To explain what it means to you, how it makes you feel special. I've heard multiple times that people who have cosplay or beauty queen backgrounds sometimes (not always) want something unique to make them feel special. If you've been a princess, then that is not what will do it. And I think if there is way to convey to them that this dress is what makes you feel so special, maybe they'll come around. Parents can be insanely stubborn, and you may never truly have them on your side, but if they can at least passively support you, then I'd call that a win.

Also, maybe there is an accessory that would make them happy? A special earring or a special veil? (no idea if you even want a veil) Maybe using a special kind of flower? Something that would make them feel heard and honored. I am totally just throwing out random ideas.

That sounds like a very stressful situation, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with such strong opinions.

Two more... is saving face part of your parents' culture? This is complex and I have only read about it. Assure them that in your present culture, this is not necessary, and should be of relief to let go (financially and emotionally). Also, if it causes disharmony to say no, just use the survival trait of keeping secrets. In this way, your choices will not be subject to their approval and they have a way out by acting surprised.

Aww, Mimimushrooms. You must feel exhausted by their worries and tears. But, surely they must be as well. Step away emotionally and refocus on yours and your partner's needs. You cannot help family break from their generational trauma and cultural guilt on your time schedule. It's useless to pity them because it's not your place to control or judge them, and vice versa as they cannot control you through a dress and finally learning this. When your wedding day comes, just focus on sharing joy with those who want to take part, and everyone will see the world didn't crumble afterall. I support you. All will be okay.

Congratulations on the wedding and so glad to hear your parents apologized so your memories would be much better.

Congratulations on being married~! I'm glad your parents apologized, and have come into the 21st century of accountability. What a great way to make peace with your old life and step into your new life with your partner.