My sister is a bridesmaid-zilla.

Thanks Tiffany! It sounds like you have a bit of a bridesmaid-zilla situation on your hands as well.. I feel for you.

I am keeping my distance, so far I have ignored her nasty voicemails and texts. She wants to "clear the air" (i.e. start a fight) about how insulted she is over my suggestion that her 9 year old and 7 year old be ushers and instead let the 3 year old and the 5 year old be the ring bearers.. I am not sure how that is an insult? She also thinks it is very "inappropriate" for her whole family to have a role in the wedding and her husband to not. I don't mind if her husband wants to usher with the boys, but I was merely making suggestions as we are just starting to nail down the details. Her insistence to have her husband in the groom's party is just absurd.. She is a really high conflict personality, I despise fighting with her because no matter how wrong she is, she won't acknowledge it. I know at some point I will have to deal with this head on, but I am going to let this simmer for a minute and hopefully she will see how ridiculous this all truly is. (That is my hope at least). I also have to agree that my lax attitude towards the "details" must be stressing her out. I am allowing the bridesmaids to pick a shade of blue in a dress that they like and think they might wear again and also fits their budgets. All I have asked is for them to coordinate which shade. She fired back with, well won't it look weird if someone has a cheap dress or a cotton blend and someone has a satin dress? I can't believe anyone would be paying attention to that detail on my wedding day, and if so, they shouldn't be at my wedding! She insisted that I have a bridal shower, but my fiance and I are only registering for our honeymoon on-line, so I don't think we need that.. I think you are absolutely right though, it's the lack of concrete direction and our difference in opinion on what really matters that is creating stress for her. I completely relate to the laid back notion. I thought being laid back would be so much less stressful, why do people have to create stress and drama where it never was needed in the first place?

Very strange. I think having the older boys as ushers is extremely appropriate. As for the BIL - no. I could get it if HE was the brother to you...tell her you're happy with the way things are and she should be too. I wouldn't even waste my time asking for her opinion on the matter.

It isn't etiquette to include children or spouses in the wedding party, she is 100% wrong. I would just tell her you are sorry and they don't have to be ushers if they don't want to but that's the only role you are offering.

I have found that women who become "bridezillas" are often that way in real life too. You just don't always notice it in everyday life. She might be feeling like you are getting all the attention now, because you're getting married. The only way she can bring the attention back to herself is to act out. It's sad when people act like a**holes just to get attention.

I would just stop discussing anything wedding related with her for now. She may just let it go. If she brings it up, or tries to continue to badger you about it, I would simply say "FH and I have made our choices/decisions, and I'm not willing to discuss it any further. I love you and want you to be involved, but if it's too much for you, I will understand if you want to bow out." Or something to that effect. Once she gets the clear message that you aren't willing to cave in to her tantrums, she might just straighten out.