My Wedding from My Guests' Perspective

Lodging - A destination wedding is not unavoidable and can be seen by many as a burden in terms of time, vacation days, money and the effort involved. The decision to have the wedding where neither the couple or either family lives makes it inconvenient for literally everyone. People do tend to feel less imposed upon when it's local to at least one family than when it's not.

Cabin situation - A big negative. If I did attend I would not be willing to share a cabin or a bathroom and would look for outside options or pay for my own. If none were available, I'd send regrets. BTW what are internet friends? Have you ever met these people?

IMO limiting the rehearsal dinner to immediate family and bridal party when you've required people to make sacrifices to attend a destination wedding is not very considerate when it's on the same premises at the same time that you're hosting everyone else. That is basically a tiered event right under everyone's noses.

Food and drink options are perfectly fine as long as what you say about food safety and experience is true.

Ceremony is fine, as is asking people to check their phones for the ceremony (though some inevitably won't like that). I'd probably just have the officiant make an announcement ahead of time that the ceremony is unplugged.

I don't think it's a very big deal to ask people to move their chairs as long as you help those who need it.

A videographer and second photographer are typical at many weddings and are not a problem.

I would not impose an endless number of speeches on guests. I'd limit that, for sure.

Centerpiece raffle is a big no no. Honor your grandmother some other way, for example by giving away the centerpieces and donating in her honor yourself. This is a wedding, not a charity event.

Sitting through some special dances is par for the course. It's fine.

Favors are not necessary at all.

A live painter who only paints VIPs and not available to regular guests is not "a point of interest" for others. I'd do this on your own time.

The presence of four children close to you is not an issue.

Do the pros outweigh the cons? If I were a guest, TBH they would not.

You can give the option of these accommodations, but you can't require them to stay there. I can't speak for your friends and family, but I would rather pay out of pocket, personally. As I mentioned, I wouldn't attend if there were no other choices.

There's nothing wrong with meeting someone online. Most people I know these days have met that way. But a destination wedding is defined as a wedding that is convenient to neither one of the families or the couple themselves, not a wedding where most (or half in this case) would have to travel. So, again, not unavoidable.

Have you ever actually met these online friends in person, though? If not, it's a concern you're planning to house them with your cousins.

And are you saying you only met your fiancee for the first time online in 2023 or did you mean it's 2023 and meeting online is not uncommon?

The lodging would be a dealbreaker for me. I would be happy to drive (or fly, depending on closeness) to attend the wedding for the day but would find an AirBnB or leave that evening. To answer your above question, I would 100% rather pay out of pocket for a hotel room rather than share a bathroom for free. Even if it had a private bathroom, I would not want to share the living space with others. A full wedding weekend is already a lot of people-time, having some personal space is very important for me and my husband to decompress between activities.

I think destination weddings are fine. As long as you realize and are okay with people not attending for various reasons. We grew up in the same town and most of our family/ friends all live in the same state and we had a wedding 5 hours away because we found a venue that was exactly what we wanted but in our price range (NY is way too expensive tbh so we got married in Maryland). Obviously some people declined but all of the important people in our lives made the effort to attend. People did ask us why we did that though and we just said we’re poor and this was the cheaper option 😂 no one complained. Everyone got it lol.

I wouldn’t be opposed to the cabins. It’s a few days for someone’s wedding and I personally would suck it up. But others may want to get a hotel instead.

As a guest I would understand the rehearsal dinner. I don’t need to be included in everything lol. I’ll just feed myself 😂those that are not part of the wedding party should understand that there will be things you do with them that don’t include everyone else that weekend and it sounds like you’re doing plenty for them still.

We had an open, non cash bar and everyone had to be responsible enough to drive after or figure out their driving arrangements.

I would absolutely NOT ask guests to give up their phones. There is 0 way I’d comply with that. I’m sorry. I don’t like having to check my valuable items with someone else. Just have your officiant ask people to silence their phones and not use them. That’s what we did and everyone obliged. I would also just make sure your ceremony isn’t too long. Especially as it’s non religious. Ours was about 20 minutes which was perfect. No one wants to watch us for longer than that and honestly after 20 minutes I was over being stared at lol.

I would also highly consider a big tent. No one wants to sit in the sun in June. You’ll have people crowded under the shaded areas to avoid potential sunburn. I would bite the bullet and figure something out.

We didn’t do a receiving line. We visited tables. However we did absolutely no speeches. My mother asked night of if she could and I caved. I regret that a bit. Plus no one wants to sit through speeches anyway.

We did no tosses either and our cake cutting was private although some guests complained.

We did our first dance and a combined parent dance right after cocktail hour but before dinner.

If someone complains about having to grab their chair to help out then they just like complaining. It’ll take two seconds. Our ceremony and reception were at the same place which was great and we were able to go right into cocktail hour.

I like the centerpiece idea. I had so much extra crap after. If people have a problem then oh well.

There are plenty of couples that hire live painters just to paint the first kiss and none of the guests. Again, as a guest I have to know I’m not the center of the universe and not everything is about me so I wouldn’t expect to be included but I would still love to see what they paint. I feel like I would keep it to just you two though and not you and a few chosen others. That might seem rude.

All in all, I think it’s fins but I do think there are some things to really consider here and put more thought into.

Also we did favors that were small. Very few people took them and they had to get thrown out. What a waste of money. I would just skip it tbh

We met online in 2022, sorry for the confusion. I referenced this year by mistake but we met last year. Mutual friends that we also know from online circles introduced us.

That is a very good point. We've made sure to purchase wedding insurance that covers medical in addition to injury, with a waiver of subrogation, and host liquor liability. Both my fiancee and her parents are experienced in the catering industry. They own a restaurant that does onsite and offsite catering for events, including weddings, and she is their banquet supervisor. Her father is head chef and her mother is head baker. I'm not asking them to actually cook for the wedding--that's on me and will mostly be done ahead of time and then stored in the commercial kitchens at the lodge--but they will be hanging out and watching to make sure it all goes well. It's my way of entering their family, almost a rite of passage, so to speak, and something that I feel prepared to do as long as I pick the right make-ahead recipes--lasagnas, quiches, fridge-friendly desserts. All of her siblings and most of her cousins and aunts have all worked at the family restaurant at one time or another. I can understand why many brides would NOT want to have to deal with any of that on their wedding weekend, but for us I'm hoping it will be a bonding activity and a way to honor her and her family by letting them be, for once, the ones that are personally served.

Thank you, that's helpful to know! I might redirect that money elsewhere then.

That's very fair and a helpful alternate perspective to have. Thanks! I'm an introvert myself so I get that for sure. I'm not super stoked on having to have even the 40-something people we're having but my fiancee has a large immediate family, with three siblings who are all married and one who has 5 children. My family, by contrast, is just my mom, my two uncles, and my aunt.

Believe me, I would loveeee to have everyone in on the rehearsal dinner. It's just that I'm not the one paying for it, it would be my in-laws, so that's why it's limited. Do you think I should tell them we need to expand it to a welcome dinner and offer to pay the difference? I can do that.

My quick takes on your post.

I wouldn't stay in the cabin situation unless I was sharing a washroom with just my family. I would need for there to be other options around to stay at, with me paying of course.

I would avoid too many speeches and special dances. That slows things down.

What is the rain plan?

Skip the favours.

Self-catering is very very stressful and it will take you away from your day. I doubt it will be the bonding activity you're anticipating. Who is going to help set up the food and then do the dishes after?

Rehearsal dinner and painter- anytime you start to treat some guests preferentially it's going to run the risk of making people feel some type of way. If everyone is basically kind of in one group for the whole weekend, I would treat everyone equally.

No thanks, I'd rather buy a wedding gift for my wife--a portrait of all our close loved ones including her grandparents who are in their 90s now--than hire people to move chairs. But I appreciate your concern for our guests and your response.

True true okay I will talk to the inlaws and find a way to open up the rehearsal/welcome dinner for everyone.

Lots of offseason airbnbs in the area since, while it's beautiful in the summer, skiing is what most of the attraction is. I'll keep that in mind and make sure guests know they aren't obligated to stay with us and what the other options are if they want to pay for other accommodations.