My Wedding from My Guests' Perspective

As long as there are other options nearby, that's fine.

I also didn't notice the phone piece. I don't see this going over well... I would not give my phone to someone and would hope that I can be a trusted adult to honor the couple's wishes of leaving it in my purse. Tell your officiant to announce it's a phone-free wedding and/or have a sign.

Maybe consider making your lasagna vegetarian? The meal does sound good but very meat-heavy.

I'd also suggest not doing favors and instead using that money for a donation in your grandmother's name to her favorite charity. It sounds like the centerpieces would be difficult to travel with for 100% destination wedding and this wouldn't involve your guests opening their wallets.

Oh, no, we're not camping! Sorry for the confusion. I said 'cabins' because that's what the venue calls them but they're really cottages--extra houses really, ranging in size from 5 bedrooms to 2--on the property with the main house, with their own kitchens, private bedrooms, fully furnished, et cetera. They happen to be near a creek and trails but it's a fully paved road with parking and everything, no hiking required. There's internet, tv, phone service. No camping There are two full baths in the big family house (7 bedrooms) for her family, 2 full baths in the friend housing (5 bedrooms, most of them for couples), and 1 full bath in the 2 bedroom cottage where my very introverted bridesmaids are staying. There's one full bath in the 3 bedroom accommodation for my mom, uncles, and aunt. There's 2 baths in the 3 bedroom accommodation for my sister-in-law, her husband, and her 5 kids. 2 are older and 3 are under the age of 8. If anyone doesn't want to stay in the places we've found and are willing to pay for for them, there are other options nearby.

I will definitely open up the rehearsal dinner to be more of a welcome party based on your advice and the advice others have given. Thanks! It also may be a chance to discuss/announce the no phones policy.

There will be soda, diet soda, and water in addition to the alcoholic stuff. I could prob also swing lemonade. We don't have groomsmen as we're two brides, but I agree just one brother moving chairs is a lot. I'm glad she has two brothers, a brother-in-law whose wife is in the wedding party, two adult male cousins, and an adult nephew in attendance. I'll see who all would be comfortable helping. I'm also glad that we only have 5 tables and a sweetheart table for this reason.

Moving at least some of the toasts to the rehearsal dinner is a great idea! Thank you for that one. I'll see who all wants to speak and divvy them up somehow.

Really good idea having the officiant announce the phone rule. Thank you!

I feel I should clarify about the painter for everyone who hates the idea so much. It's not that my family and BMs are coming up one by one to get painted and any other guest who comes over will be rebuffed. What it is is she only has time to do one painting at the wedding, that's her standard business that she always does so that she can take time on the background. It's usually a moment like first kiss, first dance, but because my fiancee has a large family and elderly grandparents, she's doing a blended family portrait and it will be my wedding gift to her. She'll be doing it from a reference photo taken before the ceremony even starts. And although that's the only painting she's doing on the day, I do still think it's a cool thing that people might stop and watch for a few minutes or ask questions about on there way to the dancefloor or bar. The only reason the bridesmaids are in it is because my fiancee's sister is one of her two bridesmaids and my family is very small (4 people) so it made sense to just add the other 3 bridesmaids (her other, non-sister one and my two) to balance out the portrait. And I don't think that's as unreasonable as, say, having a live painter doing solo portraits turning away anyone who isn't family or WP which is perhaps what it may have sounded like but is NOT what's going on.

I'm committed on the cooking, but hiring some people as waitstaff who could also move the chairs is a great idea. Thank you!

I still say the painting should be done privately, though I admit I was picturing VIPs sitting individually and others being turned down.

Nothing is wrong with visits to tables. Receiving lines can be practical when it’s a large wedding but the only obligation is to greet and thank your guests at some point. With only 40 guests you will have no issue at all getting around to everyone.

I have to agree with PPs it would be nicer if you paid a few vendors to move the chairs, but again, this wouldn't bother me personally at a casual, outdoor wedding.

Assuming the answer to whether you've ever met the online friends in the flesh is "no" and even if it's yes, I would think twice and think again before asking your cousins to share a house with people they have never met. Bottom line, if it's "no" I'd also think twice before inviting people who are in essence strangers, regardless of how much you've talked or messaged.

I think a vendor for the chairs is a good idea too, especially if it can be the same vendor to do something else like put ice in cups or bus tables or something. Thank you everyone who suggested that. I didn't really want people to have to carry chairs either, I just didn't want to rent two sets and have one sit there.

Also don't take away people's phones, it's disrespectful. For a DW, what if there's an emergency at home?

You've been super helpful and awesomely responsive so this is in no way a call-out, just a funny-ironic thing: I've never met my fiancee in the flesh either. I will have done so by the wedding, of course, with at least two trips planned, but our relationships with each other and with our mutual friends are very much real despite occurring online. I've heard their voices, seen their faces, talked them down off the ledge when they were struggling and vice versa. I receive photos of their newborn kids and their outfits for first dates with a new potential partner. We lend each other money and help each other with coursework. I wrote one's resume and helped them study for the bar exam, have known her for about 5 years. We sync up and watch movies and TV together. We edit each other's rainy-day novel projects. They're not strangers just because we've never touched hands. It's a wild time we live in. If the cousins feel uncomfortable with it, that's their right 100% and we can find alternate accommodations but I'm not going to act like my relationships aren't real just because they started and have persisted in online spaces. Especially post-covid. That's like saying you don't have a boss just because you work remotely from home. They'd still very much be your boss, I assure you!

Anyway, not meant in any kind of bad faith, I understand it's a personal boundary unique to everyone and you're absolutely right that it's probably not traditionally 'done' to invite online friends to a wedding and give them the same lodging as extended family. At traditional weddings, is the out-of-town contingent usually made up of family who has moved or college friends? I suppose it must be. Fortunately, my fiancee's extended family are also online people who work in the tech space and are really fun at parties so I'm hoping they get it. And if they don't we will adjust to accommodate both them and my found family of friends. And hey, at least I didn't meet my fiancee on Tinder, we've got that going for us.

Interesting story! Hmmm. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you. That's in line with what I was reading, that the announcements rarely work or only half work. I saw hundreds of posts about how people looked WP in the face and told them their phones were on silent and wouldn't be used only for them to ring or for someone to pull them out during the processional or first kiss. For me, it's less about unflattering photos and more about not having phones in the way of our photographers and videographer. This might be the only time our families are all together and our parents and grandparents are both getting older. The photography and videography are my top priorities for the day aside from actually getting married because we've lost so many people during the pandemic and so many others have moved away, and we have so many out-of-town guests. I'd like good photos and videos of the people there, not of people's phones in the air, and then *everyone* can have the good quality shots to share and reshare as they see fit. I'm not gatekeeping the memories, just would rather not have a sea of smartphones in every shot.

For what it's worth, I also think 'found family' and having a robust contingent of friends, either online or in-person, is more of a thing in the lgbtq+ community. Not that straight people don't also have close friends, but I think it's more common for us queer folk to cling to our friends a bit more tightly because family is not always supportive.

"You've been super helpful and awesomely responsive so this is in no way a call-out, just a funny-ironic thing: I've never met my fiancee in the flesh either. I will have done so by the wedding, of course, with at least two trips planned, but our relationships with each other and with our mutual friends are very much real despite occurring online."

Please at least consider taking more time and waiting until you can be together in one place for a reasonable amount of time before making a serious commitment like marriage. I didn't say your relationship isn't real, but people can't possibly show you all sides of their personalities and their lives remotely. That's all I'll say.

You're so right. Out of respect for your views on my relationship and the sanctity of marriage itself, I'll cancel right away. Unfortunately, as I've already spoken to my friends about the event, I'll have to invite them to a party of equal or lesser value to be polite. An official cancellation party where we don't get legally married and instead just start living together to get a headstart on meeting your requirements should fit the bill. Booze and not-wedding cake to follow!

Destination weddings can be lots of fun, but holy moly, there are so many cons here! From a guest perspective, unless you were my sibling or BFF, I would not attend your wedding.