Naive or Passive Aggressive Fmil?

I suspect your MIL is just unorganised because from what you have described it does seem like oversights on her part (though admittedly I don’t see an issue with your vegan friend having a salad – all your MIL needed to do is make sure there was an option available and most vegans I know are happy so long as there is something on the menu they can eat).

Regarding the guest list for the rehearsal dinner, I somewhat feel like you shot yourself in the foot by giving her reigns over the guest list. I mean, is there any reason why you can’t invite your family? Personally I don’t see an issue with 43 guests at the rehearsal dinner (or more) because I understand these events to comprise either just the bridal party and immediate family or the full guest list. At the end of the day though, if you are unhappy with the dinner or guest list, speak to your mother in law because being honest with her is the only way you can try rectify what you are unhappy with,

First up, sorry to hear that some elements aren't panning out as you'd hoped! And that you had miss out on something you wanted.

It sounds as though your MIL has done what you expected she would have done with your wedding had she been given control. I guess your options now depend on whether you feel strongly enough about this to risk falling out with your MIL.

I would have a chat with your fiance and see if you can both gently say to her that you were hoping for it to just be x people, if that doesn't work then either let it go or stand your ground and risk a fallout.

It is frustrating though, weddings do seem to have this weird effect on families!

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I am hoping she is just clumsy - lack of oversight

The issue with my vegan friends and salad is that it seems unfair that she only gets very basic salad, while others have all other options. Especially most restaurants only have sad-looking pasta or salad as vegan options. Imagine it's your best friend's wedding, and they don't really care about your dietary restriction, you are having bunny food - while others are eating delicious dinner. It just doesn't feel right.

Honestly, I think I shot myself in the foot giving her anything to plan. I gave her my guest lists. She went ahead and started to talk to her families that are not on the rehearsal dinner guest list.

My FH and I have been hinting / indirectly telling her we are unhappy with how she handled all the planning, lack of oversight, and adding people to the guest list. However it seems like all our comments went over hear head.

I think you are right, we need to sit down with her and be direct about it. Straight out tell her what she is doing is causing us a lot of issues and unhappy feelings.

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I think the positive thing is we didn't let her be involved with our wedding day planning

I was good planning for my wedding until I had to involve others because they "would like to be involved". Compared with other brides, I think I am not experiencing as much drama and frustrations from families, which I am glad about. My FH and his mom are very close, and even he is getting frustrated with her.

I think my problem is I would like to have others to enjoy the planning (or the wedding day) as much as possible. I see it as a party I am hosting, instead of it's "my" day. This resulted in me wanting to please everyone and got myself too stressed out.

I’d say mom… can I start to call you that? I really want to be close it’s important for (my FH and I) to consider us all family now. As we grow there will be family events, baby showers (if your having kids) and many other fun things we can all do. But this is different. It’s my FH and my wedding. We want our family and dear friends to celebrate with us, but under our terms. I really appreciate everyone’s feedback but it gets very stressful when someone wants this and somebody else what something else. So (FH) and I have talked thru this and have made a decision. We can go off just the two of us and elope (which we really don’t want but the stress is getting in the way of both of us enjoying our own wedding day) or the only other option is FH and I have decided we will take suggestions, but that is what they are. We will make all final decisions. If we are lucky enough to have family that understands that and supports us that means they realize they don’t get to just invite someone. If we decide we want 5, 20 or 1,000 people at the reception then we will make the list. No debate no arguing. Same with where people are staying. For the most part it’s a place to shower, change clothes and sleep. Please understand we are not directing this towards anyone. But FH and I want a special day AS WE SEE IT. Others may not agree, but it is after all our wedding. We appreciate your understanding, help and effort to be here. I hope everyone can understand and will please ask us if there are any questions. But we also ask everyone to respect our wishes. Thank you we love you and want you to have a great time. It’s wonderful you have such good ideas to share and that you’ll help us design the wedding we want!!


—— FH has to be on board and should be or he can start the marriage off on the couch. It is YOUR WEDDING. Family, especially in laws forget this. Think they know what’s best. Just don’t give room for an argument. Hope that helps. Have a great wedding!!

It’s groom’s mother so his responsibility to clear things up with her. One hiccup is clumsy, but multiple is not.

Your FMIL is trying to control the things you gave her to control, giving her family priority. That's something your FI should discuss with his mother. He needs to stand up and make the boundaries. If she continues with this, I would pay for the rehearsal yourselves and have the event you want.

Too much reign she's being inconsiderate and not thinking about you and your FH at all. I think you need to be straight up honest with her, or else you will lose sight and regret it when it's all done.

Your FH should definitely address his mother and tell her to have many seats. Point blank period. This doesn't sound like miscommunication. This sounds like a FMIL who wants to do things her way and is using your wedding to show off in front of family and friends. She had multiple times to listen to you and deliver what you want but didn't. This tells me she didn't listen and already had ideas of what SHE WANTED to do. Tell her the wedding date and what time to arrive. You do not HAVE to do follow traditions and let you FMIL plan or do anything. She can show up and leave like the rest of the guests. If you or your FH don't address this behavior with her now, it could manifest elsewhere throughout your relationship with her. God Bless and good luck.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
It’s not any consolation but I absolutely adore my mother in law. We do fun things together all the time and she’s so sweet in including me in the family and calls me one of her daughters. I can’t imagine having anyone else be my mother in law. That being said, while wedding planning she was frequently scatter-brained and I had to remind her about things a few times- things like needing final guest list, mother son dance song, and what not. I just tried to roll with it as best as I could, reinforce ideas or timelines when necessary, and remember that she’s her own person and her life doesn’t revolve around my husband’s and my wedding planning.
I wish you the best!