Ok, this is a long one... Apologies in advance. Honestly, right now I just need a bit of support.
Have you ever been searching for a diagnosis and found an illness with symptoms that so perfectly matched? I recently had that experience with Narcissist Personality Disorder and have come to the realization that I am the daughter of a narcissist.
My relationship with my mother has always been... complicated. My biological father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly before I was born-- my mom was 10 weeks pregnant. I cannot imagine being 28, the age I am now, having just lost my husband and dealing with a newborn as a single parent; I have always admired my mother's strength and will to survive during that period. That inescapable truth forged a bond between my mother and me that, at times, is the strongest thing in the world and at other times, has proven absolutely devastating. I can't be sure of how she thinks or what she feels (I'm not even sure that she knows herself) but I imagine that her feelings toward me are an indecipherable cloud of absolute love-- I am a gift of sorts, the last enduring one from my father-- and total resentment-- I am, and have always been, an albatross around her neck, the thing that keeps her from truly moving on.
I was very protective of my mother when I was little. I disliked all of the men she dated and when she first introduced me to the man who would later become my stepdad, my feelings were no different. I was 6 then and even at that age, I remember wanting my mom to be happy but feeling so sad that I was not enough. Sometimes it's too easy to look back in search of answers and try to pinpoint the "cause" as one single event and in my case, it is no different. Still, I think that the seeds of insecurity and codependency were sown at an early age and many of my issues stemmed from wanting my mother's approval. These feelings were only amplified with the birth of my sister and with that, the "completion" of my mother's new family, of which my membership has always felt conditional. Growing up, I was often the scapegoat-- my mother often told me that I was the single greatest problem in her marriage-- and frequently subjected to physical and emotional abuse. That is not to say that I was not privileged. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite, but everything always came on the condition that I stayed in my mother's good graces.
Fast-forwarding to now. I started dating my FH about three years ago. At the time, I was in the early stages of true recovery (I'd been through several false starts before) from a debilitating eating disorder. For fear that this already very long post might turn into a novel, I won't go into that here but suffice it to say that some of the aforementioned issues manifested in self-harm. When I was really low, my mom was always there to swoop in at the last minute but while I was falling, I was the ungrateful problem child. I was "damaged". During the first 6 months of dating FH, I received the silent treatment from my mom. She claimed later in a self-righteous manner that she was just overwhelmed and couldn't deal with me. When I finally brought FH home, she barely acknowledged him and I know that it pained her that the only negative things she could say about him were that he was short (he's not) and had too much facial hair. My mom was the first person I called when I got engaged and literally the first thing out of her mouth was "Well, I don't know what you want me to do with that." The truth is that over the last three years, I have become much stronger physically and emotionally and needed her less and less. As much as she claims to not want to deal with me, I don't think she knows how to handle not being needed.
Andddd that's why this wedding has turned into such a nightmarish demonstration of power. We were initially planning to get married at my home (we weren't actually given any other choice) but that all fell apart in October. It fell apart because I kept asking for her to give us a concrete budget. She refused, insisting that she needed to approve of every single vendor/cost rather than allowing us to make our own concessions in order to stay within budget. We tried the approach of paying for the things we cared about ourselves but it quickly became clear that every single thing would turn into a similar situation ("well, if you really want it, you need to pay for it yourselves"). Because my dad is a textbook enabler, he stayed silent, which gave my mother even more power and turned every single conversation into an ultimatum (a "not-on-my-property" sort of thing). Don't get me wrong, we are very fortunate to have a family willing and able to provide financial assistance but when the money comes with so many strings attached, it begins to feel less like a gift and more like coercion. So, after several months of agony, we finally pulled the trigger and decided to have the wedding elsewhere. Of course, in doing that, we now have to pay for the entire wedding ourselves. I should say that I reallllllllly wanted to elope but FH actually has a really good relationship with his family and knew that it would hurt them immensely to do so. The only thing that my parents are now contributing are the dress (which has been partially paid for) and my shoes (because my mother insisted that I have custom designer shoes made to wear with the dress). After a phone "conversation" with my mother the other day, during which she told me that she didn't care that she gave birth to me but she just cannot have people like me in her life, she revealed that her next power play is holding the dress over my head and, while they do plan to attend the wedding, she and my dad have made no hotel or flight reservations. I wish that I could just pay for the remaining balance of the dress myself but it is really expensive (it's honestly a stupid amount of money) and she knows that. Further, I don't know that it will actually "solve" anything and I am already so, so stressed about how much money we're spending. As you can imagine, the next thing will be whether she actually decides to come to the wedding and if she doesn't of course my dad won't either and my poor sister (who is supposed to me my MOH) will also be heavily pressured not to come. Truthfully, I don't really want her to come if she is going to try to make everything about her but at the same time, I really just need everything to calm down.
I'm honestly at a loss right now. I don't know what my mother wants. I think, though she will never admit it, that she is deeply embarrassed that the wedding is no longer happening at home and that she has been removed from the planning process. I cannot talk to her; whenever I try, she always ends up talking past or over me. I've taken great steps toward gaining emotional independence and FH has supported me all the way but I don't know how this is going to end without starting WWIII and potentially ruining the wedding without somehow kneeling to her.
In all that I've read about NPD, the number one thing is that those people never change. I don't see much of a relationship with my mother going forward. It really hurts to feel that way but the thing that gets me is that there is absolutely no way that I will allow my children to be around this kind of behavior. Right now however, I just need to get through June... I need to figure out how to appease my mom so that I can focus on what really matters which is that I am about to marry the love of my life.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
