I am so torn.
I have been in two minds about my parent's attendance at my wedding for a year and a half now, and if it hadn't been for covid I would already be married and they wouldn't have been there and it would have all been fine.
My mother is a narcissist, my father, well, I'm pretty sure he is a narcissist too but his abuse is so different from my mothers that I feel unsure as to what to call it.
Before I got engaged I hadn't spoken to either of them for a whole year. It was nice, stress and drama-free, but I wasn't happy. My mother was constantly harassing me, trying to follow me on all my social media accounts, making new accounts with weird names whenever she realised I had blocked her. My dad, I think accepted the distance I had placed between us. I'm not sure if I was telling myself that I would be happier without them, but like a puppet, it felt as though there was still a bit of thread attached to me despite all the others I had cut.
When I got engaged it seemed like I had opened a door to them again. I felt excited to be speaking to my dad again, despite all the pain he had inflicted in my childhood. But I felt scared too. This is when the conflict really started to kick in. Do I? Don't I? Constantly going back and forth between wanting them at my wedding but also being horrified at the thought.
I finally decided that I didn't want them there.
Our wedding was booked for April 30th 2020 and as the days crept closer I felt more nervous. Am I doing the right thing? My grandma said that I was going to "regret making this decision because getting married only happens once and that they're /my parents/ but obviously, I should do what I feel is right in my heart."
Of course, Covid prevented the wedding from happening and so the day came and went just as fleetingly as snow falling in the south of England.
My fiance and I decided to move our date one year ahead (instead of cancelling it) thinking that covid would all be over by then.
Of course, covid is still a prevalent issue and our wedding date is in jeopardy once more.
April 29th 2021.
We're allowed two witnesses each.
My partner has his mother and grandmother, and I have my parents.
Yes, I decided to invite them. It feels like I've given in to them.
I asked my father. I felt excited about it.
I never asked my mother, not until last month, I asked when I went on a walk with them and she pretended not to hear me, I felt exasperated that she was ignoring me and that I now had to ask her again. She mocked surprise and said she would love to, and then proceeded to talk about my sister's wedding, an occasion that is yet to have a date because she wasn't even engaged then. My parents talked about her wedding dress, her shoes, her cake, and, of course, my mother was going to do her flowers because she studied floristry years ago.
I felt like I was being punished.
I am beyond exhausted, and so I think, is my fiance.
I don't know what to do! I have this constant battle going on inside me and am in constant turmoil about it.
It's my mother mainly, she's just so toxic and is always trying to one-up me as if everything is a competition.
I saw her last week, I didn't plan to. My sister invited me over to her flat to make a cake but she didn't have any ingredients and so, she called our mother to bring some things around.
It was unexpected and I thought I would be ok but I started to dissociate before she arrived and then felt so anxious the whole time. By the time our mother had left I felt utterly dejected. My sister said she was sorry, she hadn't realised how bad my mental health is when I'm around her. My sister hugged me and I cried. I went home shortly after and honestly don't remember much else about that day.
If she is to be at my wedding am I then not going to be present on my day?
I've always struggled with dissociation, anxiety and depression, but never know how to deal with it when I'm around my parents. My dissociation kicks in first so that everything feels spacey and not real. And then when I am finally alone my anxiety appears and then my depression. It makes me feel like a failure.
It's not at all how I envisioned my wedding day to be but at this point, I just want the day to be over with.
