need Advice for mil & sil Drama asap Please

Aww I'm sorry this all happened. Holidays are the worst sometimes.
I think asking her to step down at this point might cause an even bigger blowup. Maybe you could reach out to them and invite them to brunch before the appointment to talk things out?
I'm terrible with conflict resolution, but I hope you can find a way to mend things!

Can you clarify some context surrounding this disagreement? If SIL was extremely out of line, I would give her an opportunity to apologize. If it’s nothing short of genuine, I would put some distance between you two before as opposed to removing her from your bridal party.

Could you go over before the appointment to give them a chance to apologize?

Not trying to pry here, but it's kind of hard to offer support without understanding what actually happened.

Conflict and drama are never easy. Personalities are going to clash. It's just human nature. Give yourself time to think logically about how important what happened really is. People can be cruel in the moment, but really think about how you are letting the drama affect you and if you should be letting it rob you of your joy.

I'm sorry if this is not entirely helpful. I too get wrapped up in the drama, but when you look at the big picture, how will the issue affect you going forward? Is it something you can rise above and move forward from?

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Thank you. You are probably right about not being able to ask her to step down without causing more drama. It just stinks, because my bridesmaids are supposed to be excited and supportive. However, i'm not sure I can bring myself to make the first move with resolving the conflict...at least not yet. What they said and did was extremely hurtful, and hard to get past. For my fiance's sake, I will eventually force myself to be cordial / friendly even, but I just can't yet....at least not without some sort of an apology from them.

I am sorry to hear that you had a big fight with FH's family. I wouldn't ask her to step down as a bridesmaid, it seems that will just cause more drama. If they already know about your appointment on Sunday then I would assume they are still coming. If they don't then I would have your FH reach out with the dress selection that she will need to order.

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It's hard to give a lot of context without a super long explanation. In short, there has always been this sort of unexplained "thing" between me and his SIL; despite how much I've tried to build a relationship with her. To add to it, there was the recent Thanksgiving fight. She was out of line, but i'm willing to give her the opportunity to apologize...but she hasn't. I doubt i'd have the guts to remove her, but I am uncomfortable with this upcoming appointment and no moves have been made to try to make things right. I could go over there, but to be honest...I shouldn't have to, they really were in the wrong.

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I know, it's just hard to write what happened without writing a super long explanation. But what it comes down to is: got in a fight with future MIL & fiance's SIL Thanksgiving night. They were in the wrong, and way out of line. I told my fiance, for HIS sake, I would eventually figure out a way to be cordial, friendly even, with them....BUT It will take some time, or they need to reach out to me and try to make amends. However, it is not looking like they plan to do so, and I really don't feel like I can rise above right now. The entire incident was too hurtful. So, now I have this upcoming bridesmaid appointment, and I have no clue if I should cancel it until after Christmas to give it time for the air to clear and for it to not be so "raw." OR keep the appointment and hope for the best!?! But I will note, I am not good at hiding my feelings....you can read that mess all over my face and crying is a big possibility.

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That is about what my Mom said to do. She thinks I should keep the appointment and go about my life like everything is okay, and not let them know they can get to me like that. I'm just not sure how well I will be able to pull it off. I'm not good at hiding my feelings, and everything is still very raw and hurtful. And I know we should all strive to be "the better person," but right now I'm having a hard time with that, if i'm being honest; because I truly feel in my soul that they should be the ones to reach out. That is why I was considering cancelling the appointment until after Christmas to hopefully give it some time to "clear the air."

Sorry to hear about that, I do suggest you be the bigger person. I do agree with others, the possible thought of removing them from appointment/canceling with probably cause things to blow out of proportion. I know it bothers you to even think about spending your dress appointment with family you just fought with..but going forward with it and keeping that smile and confidence on your face will say otherwise. But if they personally said that they would apologize, I would expect it myself. Talk to your fiancé about it and see what he has to say. Your all family, the last thing you want is family falling apart before your big day.

So not knowing the contents of the fight. Maybe she is feeling as hurt and lost as you.

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You're right. I don't know if I can talk to my fiance' about it though, because I hate the thought of putting him in the middle more than he has to be at this point. I know it is hard on him too, to have his mom & SIL fighting with his fiance'. Ugh...it just really sucks that I am going to have to end up being the bigger person, if I'm speaking honestly, lol. But it probably is what I am going to end up having to do.

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Okay, I'll try and post the entire story in a minute, because I am getting the same consensus from everyone that y'all need more context. But the point was supposed to be: we fought, they were in the wrong, I am hurt, and now I don't know what to do about this upcoming appointment because I truly feel like they should reach out to me..but they haven't. Now i'm trying to figure out if its better to cancel until after Christmas, or keep the appointment and pretend everything is peachy!?

Okay...so here is the "long version" full of context (bare with me, i'll do my best not to get too "scattered"):

Most recent incident: Thanksgiving Fight. I was sitting at future MIL's table with her and fiance's SIL. We were hanging out and talking. This was after everyone else went home for the night. There were some little comments being made by his mom that kind of hurt my feelings, and there were a lot of little misunderstandings happening. His mom was being one way with fiance's SIL and a different way with me. She favors her, and she has made it well known. Honestly, they tend to rub it in my face. Whether this is intentional or realized, it hurts because I feel like I am always trying to force a relationship that is just not going to happen, because it is not wanted on the other end. Anyways, I am not good at hiding my feelings. I won't say anything, but my face usually shows it....and depending on how long I've been feeling a certain way, tears are sure to happen. Well, I was starting to feel emotional (tears), so I excused myself, and went on the porch so I wouldn't cause any problems. Fiance's SIL followed me. She kept poking and prying and being confrontational, to where she wasn't hearing anything I was trying to say (I was just trying to explain why it hurt my feelings), she started raising her voice claiming MIL is a saint! I tried to explain I didn't have a problem with her, that these are just feelings I was having due to feeling left out and seeing the clear favoritism. Anyways, voices were raising and before you knew it we were fighting (verbally of course). So, I decided we weren't getting anywhere, that what we were saying to each other was just escalating and circling, and I went home (which is right next door). Well, then I realized I forgot my phone. So I had fiance walk me back over to retrieve it. When we did, his mom stepped out and started SCREAMING at me! Her eyes were filled with hate, and I honestly didn't know what I did to deserve it. There wasn't anything that happened that night that warranted that. Oh, lemme tell y'all....I was devastated to say the least. We left of course, and I spent the next 3 days crying my eyes out.

A little backstory on a previous event: Our Engagement. My fiance's step-grandfather pulled me to the side and told me my fiance's mother was not happy about our engagement. That she was hoping he would get back together with his ex (the same ex that cheated on him, and divorced him...years ago, when he got home from Iraq). Understandably, I cried and was hurt. But, her and the rest of the family assured me that simply wasn't true, and they don't know why he would say such a thing. So, I let it go.

Now, him and his mom have talked since Thanksgiving. I will start off by saying this: one of the downfalls about living on one property with in-laws, is that we are way too close together, and everyone sees everything. The past two months, me and my fiance' have been a little rocky due to some stresses. BUT It isn't anything that we aren't able to work through. EVERY relationship goes through stress, especially when there are kids in the mix (we are a blended family with 4 children). However, she tried to make it sound to him that that was the reason she got so mad at me. Because she could see our fights. And when it came to the misunderstandings the night of Thanksgiving, it was even pointed out to her by her husband that what she was hearing and saying was wrong.

Well, after a lot of talking between me and my fiance', we worked through it all. We were able to clear up everything, and it was concluded that his SIL picked a fight with me, and nothing his mother claimed that made her mad warranted how she stood there screaming at me. I told him, for his sake, I would do my part in being cordial, friendly even, but I will no longer try to aspire to the relationship with them that I was. AND I will not apologize when I feel in my soul that I was not in the wrong and need to apologize. BUT I would be willing to apologize for letting my frustrations and feelings show too much if (as his mother claims) is what led up to her exploding on me like that. He said he talked to both of them, and they both wanted to apologize to me. Well, here it is....5 days later, and I haven't heard a word. It all feels so raw, and I am still so hurt, I don't know that I can be the bigger person..right now...eventually, I will for my fiance', but it's just too soon for me. At least, without them reaching out to me. And that is why I don't know what to do about my upcoming bridesmaid appointment!?!

In addition, let me note the following. I now feel like what my fiance's step-grandfather said has some truth to it, because there is something obviously hidden within his mom that warranted that kind of screaming (there is no way her witnessing normal "couple stresses" caused that type of reaction). If anything, I think that was her excuse to try and cover up her actions because she saw how mad her son was at her. Also, I am jealous of his SIL. I've admitted it, and I know "comparison is the thief of joy," but it's constantly getting rubbed in my face the favoritism and relationship her and fiance's mother has. All I ever wanted was for us to be close too, but now I know that will not happen. Ugh....there is so much more "little things" I can add here, but I'm hoping I was able to give a clear enough summary. I just never thought I'd be sitting here with the age ol' MIL drama!!

View Quoted Comment Yikes to all of that. I think if someone told me they were hurt and felt left out, or that I didn’t like them, my immediate reaction would be to reassure that person that I like them and would try to show that? I don’t know, their reaction seems really inappropriate. I definitely don’t think you should force a relationship there. I would give them a chance to apologize but would set clear boundaries. SIL sounds like a troublemaker, if I’m being honest. Best to keep your distance.

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I totally agree. I just wish I knew what to do about this upcoming bridesmaid appointment. They are both supposed to be apart of it, but I'm not sure I'm up to being around them right now....then if they didn't show up, that'd probably make me cry too. I thought about pushing the appointment to after Christmas to give it some time, but then again I don't want it to come off as I am being too sensitive and trying to cause more drama.

View Quoted Comment I think you should keep the appointment and message MIL asking if her and SIL would like to go for brunch or come over for a coffee sometime before the appointment. If they don’t go for it, they can’t blame you and try to frame it as you being cold or ignoring them since you did everything you could to include them. It will be abundantly clear, if it isn’t already, that they are being nasty. Is MIL aware of what the step-grandfather said? This is clearly causing some insecurity and you may be seeing proof of that everywhere. I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel that way, but if it’s a miscommunication then it may be good to clear the air. If it’s true, though, I would be weary of MIL.

Is your own mom coming? If so, I would keep the appointment and make her or one of your other bridesmaids aware of the situation. If there’s rudeness or things escalating, maybe one can nicely put them in their place and remind them this is not the time.

It seems SIL & MIL we’re complerely out of line. Is it at all possible to get some space from them, or even potentially you and your fiancé start looking for a new place? If they’re acting like that now, I’m worried how it’ll be after you’re married or a year from now.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this!

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The problem is, even though I know I should, I'm just not ready to be the bigger person and reach out to them when I so desperately feel like they should be reaching out to me. I need more time before taking that step. Yes, MIL is aware of what he said....it caused a bunch of drama on our engagement day (which was mother's day, and we were all together). She denied it. But, I'm really starting to feel/realize there just might be some truth to it.

View Quoted Comment It’s entirely up to you, but if you don’t they could come back and say you were ignoring them, being cold, etc. Hope it works out.