Need Advice: Giving Away the Bride issues...

I had both my parents walk me down the aisle.

ETA I wouldn't change it for the world. The pastor used perfect language it wasn't who gives this woman but who presents this woman. And both my parents were there to answer .

I also have strong feelings about this. When friends of mine got married they each had their parents walk them down the aisle- groom w/ his parents first, then bride with hers- I thought that was great. There was some verbiage from the officiant about joining families etc. However my parents are separated so that would be awkward, and both of FH's have passed, so that wouldn't work for us, but maybe work for you?

I would like for FH and I to just meet at the front of the aisle and walk down together but he is super excited about "seeing me walk down the aisle" so I may just end up walking myself which is fine but I hate being the center of attention.

I feel like having your father walk you half way and then your FH walk with you the other half is the same thing as being handed off from one man to another- it's just happening in the middle of the aisle instead of the end, so that still rubs me the wrong way.

I'm having my dad walk me. I know it'll mean a lot to him and as a daddy's girl, it will mean a lot to me too. Just understand that this is essentially just one moment in time and 20 years from now, you won't remember the moment itself as much as you will remember how you felt during and after it. If your father is hurt, that's what you will remember. Likewise, if it hurts you to have him walk you, that's what you will remember.

In my opinion, if someone's father is truly not a good father, then I can totally understand the bride wanting to walk alone. But brides who don't want their dad to walk them simply because of the outdated "giving me away" vibe confuse me. Yes, it's outdated and we all know that most of us are not being "given away," but most of the traditions surrounding a wedding are outdated (lifting the veil anyone?) and we do them anyway. In this case, I think many fathers look forward to that very special walk with their little girl and I, personally, wouldn't deprive them of that simply because I don't like the archaic meaning of the tradition.

I would stick to the plan, if I were in your shoes. He is not entitled to the exact kind of involvement *he* wants in your ceremony -- it's *your* ceremony. No one is entitled to any kind of involvement at all. The reception is for thanking your guests for coming; the ceremony is for setting the tone for your marriage going forward. His feelings about it are not your problem, they're his -- especially since it sounds like he hasn't expressed any wishes about it to you at all! He can't reasonably expect you to 1) read his mind and 2) prioritize his wishes for your ceremony over yours.

First wedding, both my parents walked me down the aisle, both the groom's parents walked him down the aisle, and no "giving away" type language was ever used.

Second wedding, my bride and I walked together.

I can't imagine having someone giving me away. And I don't think anyone (father or not) has the right to escort me. You can walk by yourself, or with whomever you choose.

"His feelings about it are not your problem," Honestly, I think this is a very selfish attitude. Yes, it's "your" wedding, but dads (assuming there is a good relationship) aren't just guests. This person raised you and maybe deserves some respect. I absolutely don't think it's mandatory that dads walk the bride or that they're entitled to it (as I said, we didn't do the ask for my hand in marriage thing). but approaching it in a "who cares what my dad wants" attitude reeks of entitlement, especially if that dad did his absolute best by you. If you truly feel that it would go against your beliefs, then yes, walk by yourself. But, don't act like others' feelings don't matter. The one thing I've learned through this wedding planning process is that it is not just about me and what I want. I want to look back fondly on my wedding day. But, I also want my FH and our families to remember it fondly as well.

Do what feels best for you. Maybe have a convo with your dad to see what his thoughts are. If that's not possible, do what feels best. Unfortunately family is complicated and unpredictable but ultimately you know your dad best. Go with your gut

AshleyR - You're right...it really is the same concept just at a different spot. UGH. I keep going back and forth on what sounds right to me. I really would rather walk by myself. It's one of those things where: I got myself here myself, I made the choice to marry this man, and no one needs to give me to him. I can do that all by my damn self. But I also hate hurting people. Bleh.

they/them pigeon - You are right: I haven't spoken to him about it yet. I wanted to be sure of my decision. I had spoken to my mom about it, and her reaction basically told me my dad would be hurt. She doesn't particularly care, she knows how I feel about the whole thing. Funny that you say about reading his mind and prioritizing his wishes: he might expect some of that lol. That's an assumption of course, but just in knowing how he is...

@MayBride - And herein lies the struggle for me all rolled up into one! The independent part of me wants to stick to my guns. The sensitive part of me wants to find a compromise so I don't hurt my dad's feelings. Our relationship has never been the best, but I doubt it's the worst either. He is a very rough person, and it's caused us all some serious grief over the years. But he is still a caring person who loves me very much. That makes it all the harder to just do what I want to do. I do agree with you very much (despite how back and forth I am on this topic) that a wedding is not just about the bride/groom. Our wedding is going to be very small and intimate. In my mind it is as much about joining our families together as it is about us marrying one another. So, as much as I'd like to do what I want, I'm not sure if I could in the end. Guess I will really have to think on it!

My dad will walk me down the aisle. We're close. I'd never want it any other way. We're not doing any "who give this woman" verbiage; our ceremony is going to be super short.

I'm most looking forward to the time immediately before the walk! Just me and Dad, and I know my nerves will be crazy! He'll crack a joke. We'll laugh. I know that's what I'll always remember. In the midst of what I know will be a crazy day, I look forward to that moment we'll have to ourselves.

Ultimately, I think you should do what makes you happy. If it makes you happy to walk down the aisle by yourself, I don't think that's selfish, and I think calling it selfish is wrapped up in about a million assumptions about men's entitlement to women's emotional labor. It's not reasonable to expect you to bend over backward to accommodate him at the expense of your wishes without his even having to tell you what he wants.

Sure, a wedding as a whole is not just about the bride and groom -- but the ceremony... kind of *is* about the two of you. I don't know if you're particularly religious, so forgive the language if you're not, but... you're undertaking a sacred contract between the two of you. It's deeply personal, and nobody else gets any say in what form that takes.

@they/them, I wasn't calling OP selfish for wanting to walk down the aisle herself. I do not think that is selfish, especially since I actually agree with her reasoning. I was saying that the "his feelings are not my problem" attitude is selfish. I say that not because of the entitlement issue, but because we should always consider our loved one's feelings. Acting like their feelings don't matter at all is selfish. That doesn't make walking down the by yourself wrong. Ultimately, I think you and I both agree that OP should follow her heart and do what she thinks is right.

MayBride, sometimes adults have to a) own their feelings and b) not make their feelings other people's problems. The dad in question hasn't even done Part A. If he does do Part A, that still won't entitle him to walk anyone down the aisle. It takes two to tango, and if one party doesn't want to dance, the other's feelings don't entitle them to dance with them anyway.

Double post.

They/them pigeon - You of course make great points (and I am religious so no offense taken in your last comment). Personally, I have a lot of trouble balancing my own wishes with the wishes of others. And, of course, I need to just have the discussion with him to see if he will care as much as my mom thinks he will. I just wanted to see if I could make sure I knew what I wanted before I speak to him. Obviously I know how I feel about it. But I thought it would be better to either talk myself into sticking to my feelings about it or be willing to compromise. I am bad at both a and b of your second post in situations like this!

MayBride - I appreciate your discussion on this as well! When I first discussed this with my mom, it was really the sound in her voice about how my dad will probably feel that made my feelings appear selfish. But maybe with as strongly against being given away as I am, I can find a way to stick with that and explain it well (in case his reaction is what I imagine it to be).

Again, thank you all so much!

I would do what you want. We chose not to have anyone walk us, my dad didn't put up any type of fuss. They understood that no one was giving us away, we have been together for years.

I don't see it as my dad "giving me away," he merely escorted his daughter down the aisle. It was important to him, and those few minutes we had as everyone else was walking before it was our turn were priceless.

We asked our officiant to say:

"Today, as we join James and Lara in marriage, we celebrate them as they begin a new family together. Yet we also know that this new branch of the family tree will be strengthened and enriched by the love, traditions, and knowledge of their family roots.

Will you [FOB] and [MOB], [FOG] and [MOG], bless James and Lara in their marriage? Will you celebrate them in their times of joy, and bolster them and their marriage in times of hardship? "

My dad would be devastated if I told him I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle, but I have a very close family. To me, the "giving away" part isn't as problematic as it seems to be for most of you. I am not my father's property, everyone is aware of that, but I have been his responsibility. For 25 years he has had the responsibility to care for, protect, and support me and in July he will be "giving away" those responsibilities to my husband. My dad and I have had our problems, but at the end of the day, he raised me and he deserves that moment if he wants it. Literally the least I can do is let him walk with me down an aisle, I don't see that as "bending over backwards to accommodate him."

There are lots of different ways to approach it, and you've gotten some great advice.

My dad and I have always been close, and have always had a great relationship, so there was never any question that he'd be escorting me down the aisle. I did, however, change the wording to say "who stands in support of this woman as she joins her partner in life" or something like that.

Good luck with the decision!

Katie - I don't see anything wrong with how you feel about it at all! It sounds like you and your dad have a good relationship. And letting him walk you down the aisle is a way for you to show your gratitude. I respect that. My father did the best that he could to be a father in the ways he knew how to. I don't think I'd be debating it for myself if I didn't understand both sides of it (despite any hard felt feelings I have about some issues we've had)! But if the reasoning for letting him walk me down the aisle is to honor being taken care of by one's parents, then both of my parents should walk me. My mom is really the one who has influenced the person I am. My dad has too, in his own way. It's hard to explain without blathering on about my life story lol!

Maybe another reason I don't feel the way you do is I haven't been anyone's responsibility but my own since I was 18. I moved out and have financially/emotionally supported myself since then. FH and I have been sharing the responsibility of caring, protecting and supporting one another for 3 years so far. So, it really feels less like that responsibility is being given from parents to husband. It feels more like FH and I made a choice together as independent individuals to continue sharing our lives.

ETA: I don't mean that to be offensive: I have no problem whatsoever with your line of thinking.

I completely understand taking his feelings into consideration. I'm not close with my dad and it hurt him to realize just how much closer I am to my stepdad than him throughout the wedding planning process. I did give in to some of his childish ways of showing this because I didn't want to regret not trying and pushing our relationship further away from what I feel it should be.

If you're having trouble with the "giving away" part, a compromise like what was suggested earlier might be nice. Having him walk you down the aisle, but not all the way. Taking his seat and letting you walk the rest of the way on your own. It is somewhat symbolic of your life. He brought you part of the way, you have carried yourself the rest of the way. Even though your mom was the biggest influence, he was still there from what I am gathering.. Ultimately you have to be happy with your decision. If you feel like you are going to regret hurting his feelings, for me that would over take the desire to walk by myself. You just need to find a way to do it that settles well with you and your feelings.

Edit: I jacked up a sentence.