Need advice on how to handle controlling mother

Sorry that you’re going through this. This day is about you and your FH, so those are the only two ppl whose thoughts, wants, wishes, and opinions matter! So if you feel that your mother desires outweighs that, then maybe you should rethink this whole marriage thing. You need to be more voiceful and assertive with your mom. Stop acting like a scared little girl. Demand that you be respected or cut her off!!!! Whose happiness and sanity means the most, you or your moms? The answer to that should be YOURS!!!! Good luck with everything

This sounds horrible. I’m really sorry. Not to be too personal but are you in therapy? This family situation sounds traumatizing.

As an observer in this situation and just reading what you wrote, your mom sounds extremely manipulative. For picking a shower and controlling the invites sounds like just another way to control you.

I wouldn’t attend that shower to be honest.

No longer include your mother. If you chose a date for your bridal shower and your bridesmaids are on board, they should throw it for you. Invite who YOU want to invite. They can invite her to the bridal shower, and if she doesn’t show up that’s on her. She sounds like she’s a miserable person to be around. Don’t cater to her anymore. You’re giving her too much control by asking for too much input.

Is she contributing ting to the wedding or the shower financially? Is that why you include her so much? If she’s not contributing, she has literally NO SAY on who does and doesn’t come.

Decide on in the shower date you and your bridesmaids want. The host doesn’t have to be your mother or your fiancés mother. And if it has to be a less expensive affair if your mom was contributing, so be it. It’ll be a much better time that way.

Honestly I would stop including her in the wedding planning. Take a break from her and give yourself some space. My mother is beyond controlling so she had no part in any of the wedding planning and it was soooo much less stressful.

Honestly im pretty straight forward. BYE, im so sorry you are in this mess and not even excited or thinking of what you two want anymore..get rid of the negative. If you want her still invited then invite her but maybe take her out of everything else so you both get a break and maybe she will start to understand

I am so sorry you are going through this. Shame on your mom for making you feel that way! I know how hard it is to stand up for ourselves, but I would tell your mom that you are giving control of your bridal shower over to your bridesmaids and not her. That way they can make it the way you want, and your mom can either be there or not. Just try to concentrate on the positives and the people who do support you. Stay in there, the prize at the end of this madness is you and your FH getting MARRIED...and no one can steal that joy from you!

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I am not in therapy currently. I have thought about it but being a full time grad student as well as a full time teacher I am finding it difficult to find the time to do some research on finding a professional to talk to. I am very blessed to have an amazing FH who is there for me to support me through this. She has always treated me like this, but with the wedding she has gotten way worse and thinks that every aspect of the wedding is hers to plan and her job to do.

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Thank you so much for your kind words. My FH and I getting married and our future together is the only thing that is keeping me together right now. I swear this man is the best gift that I ever could have gotten in my life and I keep asking him if he wants to marry into this crazy mess and his response always is genuine and puts a huge smile on my face.

What was your relationship with her like prior to the wedding planning? It seems like there's an underlying issue causing your mom to behave SO irrationally, unless she's always been this way. Is she going through a major life change that you might not be aware of? Marital problems? Possible medical condition? Cancer diagnosis? Something like that would probably lead her to only want to be around family (not "strangers"), be upset with you for not being there every weekend, and irrationally take things out on you. Sometimes people really do hide stuff like that. Both my Grandma and my mom had cancer scares prior to my wedding and hid it from me until after (they are both fine, no cancer thank God).

Overall, stop asking her to meet your fiance's family, it isn't necessary if its going to bother her that much. If she isn't financially contributing to most of the wedding, then there is no reason she has to be included in anything wedding related. I have the best relationship with my parents and they gave us a little towards the wedding but we didn't bring them to venue tours, vendor meetings or any of that, and my husband's mom knew pretty much nothing the entire planning process, she didn't even know who was invited until like 2 months before. My husband and I kept all wedding planning between us and it was the best idea ever.

Lastly when you visit your mom try to stay "in the moment" and keep things positive. Don't bring up the wedding, and try to do something more structured like play a board game all together. Play it off as you just want to enjoy spending time with her and not stress about anything. Some good positive family time can help a lot.

I'm really sorry your mom is making you feel this way. Have you tried telling her how you feel? like sat down with her and had a serious conversation? if you haven't I'd start there, it'll at least give you a chance to know why she's acting this way towards you. If that doesn't work I would definitely leave her out of the planning until you guys can figure things out. This day is for YOU and your fiancé, you should feel happy, excited, motivated and it makes me sad just to think that she is taking all of these emotions away from you. I wish you nothing but blessings and I really really hope things get better for you. STAY STRONG QUEEN

Honestly, I’d just cut her off completely (and have with my own mother). She’s completely irrational and causing you too much heartache. Just stop calling, stop texting, stop visiting. Ignore her calls and texts or send short, direct replies.

You’ll be amazed at how free you’ll feel.

My mother is exactly the same way and I've had a horrible time with her (both with wedding planning and our relationship since I was 11). Let me preface this with my parents are divorced and my mother isn't contributing financially to my wedding at all.

Before I even met my fiance, I knew my wedding planning process would be an ordeal with her and I've stressed out about it for years. So far, every single decision has been a battle, but here's what I'm doing:

1. I'm setting expectations about what I know I'm going to get from her emotionally (hint, nothing). What I've found over the years is that if I don't go into a situation with her with the expectation that it's going to solve all our issues, it works better and causes fewer arguments and hurt feelings. So I already know and am prepared for the fact that she's going to make everything about her.

2. I have already decided which aspects of the wedding and which tasks I'm going to give her control over. This is kind of a work in progress since she constantly wants to dictate everything, but essentially what I did was sit down and think about which aspects I want to delegate to her because they aren't important to me. For example, the seating chart. I don't care about my bridal shower, to be honest, so that's her domain too. I already know it's going to be painful, but I plan on saying yes to everything and showing up with a smile. My bridesmaids have already agreed to a super low key bachelorette party that is going to be my real shower.

3. I'm playing to her strengths with #2. She's very organized and loves to be hostess. Cutting her out entirely is a very tempting option, but I know that will never fly. So, I try to give her as few details as possible.

Now, with that all being said, she's already tried to decide where I'm getting ready, complained constantly about the date we picked, has decided my bridesmaids are all wearing Navy blue, picked out opposite flower colors from what I was saying, tried to schedule the entire weekend down to the minute (my wedding was ten months away at the time), and has been calling my wedding coordinator behind my back.

My final option is Valium in her wine the day of. 🤷 Good luck!!

Ugh! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. She knows she’s being manipulative too because she demands to see you more but that’s rewarding her for her toxic behavior. There was a time I cut my dad out because I got tired of the constant complaining & criticism (I told him to get a therapist and he laughed, “Why? I can complain to you for free!”). With the help of a therapist I practiced the “when you... I feel...” statement following by a consequence. I would tell him to stop his behavior or I would hang up the phone, I had to do hang up several times and once we didn’t talk for six months. I learned to set boundaries and he learned to respect them.

A counselor would be helpful but if you just can’t, I would stop sharing so many details or including her, you’ve done plenty. If she throws a fit, tell her how that makes you feel and how you need her to be/what to say or you can’t “ABC” (talk to her today, see her this weekend, etc.).

Going off everything you said, I recommend you take a step back from the relationship with your mom and take her in doses. Stop including her in wedding planning, treat her as if she were any other guest.

If you're mother isnt helping pay for the wedding, stop giving her details or trying to include her. Itll only make things worse.

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First of all I am so sorry that your mother is treating you this way. I can't even imagine how stressful that must be for you. The university that you are enrolled in will probably have counseling services available to you. I would look into getting counseling. It's so wonderful to hear that you have a FH who supports you, but I think counseling would also be beneficial in this situation.

Honestly, I was in a very similar situation for the first 5 months I was engaged. I hated talking about planning or even thinking about having the wedding I had always dreamed of because my mom was making everything so hard for us. I would have constant breakdowns and was about ready to throw in the towel. My FH and I heavily discussed the idea of eloping or just having a small courthouse ceremony because I was just so done with being berated by my mom. After long talks and a lot of tears, my FH and I just decided to stand up for what we wanted. My parents were originally planning on contributing financially, which is mostly what made my mother go absolutely bananas about the whole thing because she felt like, "since I'm paying, I get what I want." Which is understandable, but what she wanted was not what we wanted. We just decided to say thank you for the offer to help, but we were going to pay for every cent ourselves. Both of my parents were actually really hurt at first, but they're over it now and understand that this is what we wanted. I also keep the wedding talk with my mom to a bare minimum. She still has her opinions despite everything, but I try to move on or keep it short when it's brought up. I feel much better and my relationship with her doesn't feel as strained.

I would honestly suggest just leaving her out of planning. You have to stand up for yourself. It's supposed to be fun and exciting being engaged and planning one of the most special days of your life. Don't let her ruin it.

I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I wouldn’t know what to tell you because I never being in your shoes. If your wedding is stressing you so much and creating more problems with mom I say maybe elope? Just the two of you.
If you want to continue wedding plans I say stop including her. Tell her you and fiancé decided to do all the plans and just have her as a guest. Is common to have multiple showers so I say don’t make it worst by not attending. Be part of both and always put a smile in your face. Next time your mom screams and treats you had simply walk out and leave. Maybe she needs to learn how to respect you since you’re not a child anymore and tell her that’s not ok and you won’t allow it.
Good luck to you and please enjoy the wedding planning! It goes by super fast

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I could not imagine having to deal with this but honestly I think you need to tell your mom that she should not throw you a forced bridal shower and let you bridesmaids move forwards with that. The only person putting that distance in between you two is your mother and if you can't talk to her and tell her how much this will affect your future relationship then you might as well get used to not having her around as much. also by your saying "I am at the point where I no longer care about what I want and what my fiance want, I just want to survive and no longer have emotional break downs on a weekly basis" you don't even care about what happens to you as a couple moving forward? do you really not care about what your FH wants at this point and what will be best for you as a couple? Thats the only thing that should matter is how you guys feel as a couple and what you guys want as a couple. I know its frustrating but as daughters I think there comes a point where we need our moms to see us an independent, capable adults and not their indecisive, little girl. Some moms take it harder than others but thats where we come in and stabilize it and let them know sure things may change a little but you'll always be my mom and I'll always love you and be here for you.

Good Luck to you!!

Hey sugar,
First of all let me tell you something. I am a mother and grandmother. So I do not sugarcoat s!@$.
Your mother is being a total nutcase. I'm sorry but the way you are being treated is unacceptable. I would never treat my daughter that way. I am currently helping my daughter with her wedding and I am honored to do so.
A daughter asking a mother to be involved with her wedding, that is a privilege. It's an honor, because let's face it, when our daughters grow up they don't need us like they once did. When you're a little girl your mom is there because you need her. As an adult your mother is there because you want her there.
You are trying your best to want her there but it sounds like she is being there to dish out some weird ass punishment to you for something she thinks you did that she's pissed off about because well......she is delusional.
Cut....her....off. This is YOUR day. Do not let anyone ruin it. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but sometimes mom's need to hear the truth (even if it hurts) from our adult children. Just because we are the parents doesn't mean we are always right my dear.
In fact it's quite the opposite. We are wrong....alot.
She knows she is doing wrong. She is purposely doing wrong. You need to tell her she is banned from helping with the wedding. Let your bridesmaids handle your bridal shower. Invite her as a guest. If she doesn't come that's on her. Same thing with your wedding. You plan your wedding and have fun doing it. Invite her to the wedding as a guest. If she doesn't show up then that's on her.
Do not let her ruin your wedding. If she wants to act like a mad cow then let her do it on her own time, not yours. You seem like a very sweet girl, I know she is your mother but I'd keep my distance from her. Otherwise your sweetness will turn to vinegar because of her.
Best of luck sugar. Congratulations on your wedding. Hope it's the beautiful, magical, amazing day that you deserve.❤