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Nephew not invited to my brother's wedding

Ellen, on July 17, 2022 at 4:30 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18

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We have a wedding coming up were kind of in a pickle with. My BIL (husband's brother) and his fiance are having an out of town, weekday wedding. It's also child free. My husband and I are both standing up in the wedding. I kind of thought close family (nieces and nephews mostly) typically bypassed the no child rule. Especially if there's only one nephew per side. I understand saying oh we'd have to let other kids come then, but I think people understand close family will still likely be there. Especially since it's out of town.

Between my BIL and his fiance there are two nephews. Both younger so hard to find childcare for. Even if I think it's weird it is what it is. Well the couple isn't helping with childcare at all. They didn't even have suggestions and got irritated when we asked saying we should have this figured out already. We asked several friends in the area but it's a long time and a weekday wedding. How were we supposed to figure it out? My BIL even said, "if you were just banking on him coming this whole time he's not". We never even asked if he could come... They're expecting both of us to be gone for 12+ hours (the wedding is 1 hour from the hotel) and the only suggestion we've been given is care.com.
I'm not really sure what to do. We don't feel comfortable using care.com in this situation. We're a little thrown off by the lack of resources or support from my husband's brother and fiance. We don't feel they're being very considerate but don't feel like causing drama. We are expected to be out of town for the wedding 4-5 days and also didn't feel comfortable leaving him at home for long considering how far away we will be. As of now, our best option is for our son to hang out with a family member during the ceremony (probably hidden away somewhere) and then I, a bridesmaid, will leave right after the ceremony to take him back for the rest of the night. It'll be awkward and I'm sure it'll leave an empty spot at the head table but I'm not sure what else to do.
We explained that we weren't asking if he could go, just looking for a little help. And that we feel we've been respectful and accommodating. Not sure what the best option even is at this point. Looking for advice.

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Ellen, on July 18, 2022 at 3:31 PM

VIP August 2021
Michelle · on July 17, 2022 at 6:38 AM
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If this is a weekday wedding, could your son go to a day camp and a sleepover? Or you can have a day nanny make activities at a public park, hotel pool, and other public hotel areas. As your huband is the groom's brother, you will prob end the night early. They would expect this even if you're a bridesmaid. Or you decline being a bridesmaid and stay home with your son.
No, couples are not in charge of other's childcare. They figure you would be more comfortable finding your own babysitters. Care.com has vetted staff, and you also do your own interviewing. Or you can vet your own local sitter for sittings for a while, and eventually bring him/her for the trip. Good luck.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 17, 2022 at 7:25 AM
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The couple isn't doing anything wrong here. Some people do opt to invite nieces and nephews and some don't and both options are totally valid. I don't know why you'd think they'd help find childcare. Unless they have kids themselves, they probably wouldn't even know how to do that. Could one of your friends or family members travel to you for just the one night and stay with him for the day?
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on July 17, 2022 at 7:59 AM
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Child-free weddings are very common; and no, children of close relatives are not exclusions to the rule. Also, I’m not sure why you’d think it was the responsibility of the couple to find child care for your child. It sounds as though you’ve known for quite some time that this is a child-free event, and the couple is irritated that you have both agreed to stand in their wedding, yet haven’t attempted to find child care. Your husband’s brother is getting married, so I’m sure his family members will all be at the wedding. So I would ask your family to babysit- parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, or even just a close friend. You could leave your son back home with them, or they could travel with you and you can pay them to be your vacation nanny. Or, you can hire them for just that day. Alternatively, you could leave him home with that person and not go for the 4-5 days. Stay 1 day, or 2 days…. However long you feel comfortable leaving your son. Or, just your husband could go to the wedding and you can stay home with your son. I would only use that last option as a last resort though, because it is likely going to cause a lot of drama - especially if you said yes to being a bridesmaid a long time ago.
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Joanna · on July 17, 2022 at 10:47 AM
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It's actually often advised to make the child-free rule an "all or nothing" rule, as things get messy as soon as close relatives are allowed.
I understand that if you've seen it done differently, you'd assumed otherwise, but the couple here has indeed done nothing wrong. It would be your responsibility to look for childcare and arrange it for the wedding. How old is your son? Are there no school friends etc he could stay with just for 48 hours?
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Rosebud · on July 17, 2022 at 12:07 PM
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Wedding planning is stressful and the couple is probably getting complaints about it being a child free wedding which may be why it seems their response is a little lacking. But it is not really their responsibility to provide childcare options. You can ask if they know anyone willing to babysit (maybe a trusted co-worker or friend's older child who you can pay to watch your child). Another option is to bring someone with you is their anyone from the other side of the family who would be willing to come along and stay at the hotel with your son? Best of luck to you!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 17, 2022 at 1:01 PM
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It's pretty common for children not to be invited to a wedding even if it's a family's wedding. That being said they probably thought you knew children wouldn't be invited. I also don't understand why you would expect them to provide childcare. They have plenty of other stuff to worry about when planning a wedding. But one thing you mentioned I don't understand is why you'd have to be gone for 4-5 days. A wedding is one day so there shouldn't be any reason they would expect you to be gone from home for that long. Even if you are expected to attend the rehearsal that's also only two days.

My suggestion is to see if anyone in your family could watch your son or a close family friend. There has to be some option.
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Ellen · on July 17, 2022 at 11:11 PM
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I don't think they're really doing anything wrong but I also don't think they're being very considerate. If my sibling was struggling to find childcare for my out of state wedding I personally would at least be understanding that they're in a tough spot. Like just saying hey I'm sorry you're having a tough time. But instead they keep saying we can't put this on them and it's incredibly inappropriate to even ask them... It's my husband's closest brother. We didn't think asking for recommendations would be this big of an issue.

We understand it's a kids free wedding and respect that decision. It's not their responsibility to find care for our child but previous conversations made it seem like they had a few people who may have some leads. But it turns out the bride was just talking about a general Facebook group for the entire state. We will look into flying someone out but it's not really in our budget. Round trip flights are about $800-$1,000. When we both agreed to stand up in the wedding we were told our child was invited but things changed. Which we understand. We have tried so so hard to figure out childcare. And again, all we asked them for were recommendations and they flipped.
At this point I feel really uncomfortable. We tried to call them to talk about it and the bride refused to answer. The groom started yelling when he called us back. All we did was ask for recs. It's so hard being a parent and we are really trying. I just don't understand why they needed to be so hostile. I will probably have to step down as a bridesmaid and stay back with our son.
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Ellen · on July 17, 2022 at 11:19 PM
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Those all sound great but we're not from the area. We have no idea where to even start looking for that. By not from the area I mean 1,000 plus away. Care.com seems like a good option for some parents but it's just not for us. Our son was a NICU baby and once he turned 3 months the pandemic started. The only "babysitting" experience we've had turned into a kidnapping by family situation. So there's some trauma around letting people watch our kid. We just thought my husband's brother would be semi-understanding. All we did was ask for recs. We never asked if our son could come to the wedding. 😔
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Rosebud · on July 17, 2022 at 11:20 PM
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Well they definitely shouldn't be yelling at you that is frustrating. Sorry this has become so stressful. There s probably more going on then you know about and this small thing is one that broke the camels back so to speak. Still shouldn't have spoken to you in that way but hopefully you can all move past it. Wishing you the best of luck.
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Ellen · on July 17, 2022 at 11:26 PM
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When I said yes to being a bridesmaid our son was still invited. The couple changed their minds and that's fine. But had I known it would be this hard to find someone to watch our son I guess I would have said no. And I don't think it's the couples responsibility at all to find us childcare. We have exhausted our efforts and asked them as a last resort. Just for recommendations, not if he could come to the wedding. And they lost it. We've been trying. And when the grooms first response is accusing us of "banking on taking him" I was hurt. In a COVID world and a child with health problems this isn't all as easy as it seems. We were just asking for a little help with ideas and now we feel like we're ruining the wedding. Our only option is to spends thousands to fly someone out and get them a hotel room. Or I will have to step down as bridesmaid and stay with our son. It wasn't an option to leave him at home.
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Ellen · on July 17, 2022 at 11:33 PM
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We definitely don't expect them to find us childcare we simply asked them for recommendations. Very similar to what you said, just asked them if they had friends or co-workers with children who may have ideas. And they got really angry. Flying someone out will cost thousands unfortunately. From previous conversations my husband and I both thought they had a list of people who may have leads. That's the only reason we even said anything. Now I think I'll just have to step down as a bridesmaid to stay back and watch my son.
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Ellen · on July 18, 2022 at 3:48 AM
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Our son is 2 and has severe allergies. We still respect their no child wedding. We don't plan to bring him and never did. We've just gotten a lot of questions of why he isn't "allowed" at the wedding as we've been looking for help. We had a no child wedding so we get it. At the same time if my sibling came to me for help because they couldn't find childcare I would try to help. I don't want them to make an excuse for him. Just didn't need them to berate us and assume we "banked on bringing him".
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Ellen · on July 18, 2022 at 3:58 AM
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Where were from it's not as common for the "no children" rule to apply to close family. As we've been looking for care we've gotten a lot of questions about why our son isn't invited. It is what it is I don't want them to make an exception for him. I also don't think it's their responsibility to find childcare. We have been communicating with them for a while we've been struggling to figure something out. We simply asked if they might be able to ask friends or co-workers with kids for a few leads since we've completely exhausted ours. We never planned on asking them we're just getting desperate. And it's my husband's brother. I thought he'd be less of a b about it and he could have just said no he can't think of anyone. No need to berate us and yell at us over the phone.
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Ellen · on July 18, 2022 at 4:27 AM
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The 4-5 day thing is the wedding plus the weekend. So we're there for the rehearsal, wedding, and wedding weekend. Technically we could come back Saturday morning after the wedding but the groom has made dinner reservations for immediate family that we're expected to attend. So 3 days minimum plus one day for travel because it's far. So 4 days.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 18, 2022 at 6:13 AM
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Honestly if you can't find care for your son for that long then that's when you decline attending the dinner. If his brother doesn't like it too bad. Being a parent comes before an option dinner his brother decided to host.
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Michelle · on July 18, 2022 at 7:24 AM
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4-5 days is unreasonable. They booked a weekday wedding and demand a rehearsal-- they are probably getting all sorts of declines and stressed. Still that doesn't justify yelling. So they don't know a teenaged babysitter or have friends who have them. They don't run in parent circles. Your life, however, has other priorities. Decline being a bridesmaid the sooner the better, and just accept that only 1 of you can go. They will have to get over it.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on July 18, 2022 at 2:30 PM
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Could you try reaching out to daycares local to the wedding? While the center itself wouldn’t be able to watch your child, they might have staff members who would be interested in the babysitting job. These individuals have likely had background checks and are certified in first aid, which would give you some peace of mind.
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