Newlywed Fighting

Living together is really tough, especially with a new marriage on top of it. Even lifelong friends fight like pissed badgers when they first move in together, it's a part of suddenly sharing your living space with a new person and learning all of that person's little home habits you didn't know before.

It's normal, but counselling can definitely help you through it.

This is one of the reasons I think living together beforehand is so important.

Have you learned how to properly fight? Yes, there's a way. Figure out your love languages and find out how you can reach your partner in a more productive way. Also, determine your fighting style. Is one of you a pursuer and one a withdrawer? Or are both of you pursuers or both withdrawers? These are concepts your counselor can help you determine as well and give you some tools to fight fair and in a way that resolves conflict instead of creates more or sweeps it under the rug until next time.

ETA some more information: So a pursuer/withdrawer relationship is exactly how it sounds. One of you pursues the problem and the other withdraws. The withdrawer's actions tend to fuel the pursuer's because the pursuer wants to hash it out but the withdrawer literally withdraws from the conflict. The pursuer then pushes the withdrawer which could make them withdraw more or eventually reach a boiling point which creates more escalated conflict. It's important to find a balance between what each person needs otherwise this vicious heated cycle continues.

Sorry for sounding like a class paper!

I moved in with FH after about a year of dating. The first few months were pretty rough. There were fights that almost ended things but we just had to learn what it was like to live together and figure out what works for us. Now after a year of living together we rarely fight. I think continuing counseling will be a good idea.

Do what Sass says. Learning each other's love languages will help so much if you work at figuring out what they mean

Also, please know that counseling does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship. It will simply give you the tools you need to get and stay healthy. Even therapists that are currently in the field may be required by employers to pursue ongoing individual therapy to ensure they are maintaining a healthy emotional state- doesn't mean they necessarily need it.

Your daughter is learning relationship norms and fighting styles from you both. You'll be doing her a huge favor by showing her healthy ways to resolve conflict that she will then pass on to her kids and also decrease her chances of divorce.

I'm sorry you're having a rough start to the marriage. I just wanted to say that I'm pretty impressed with the advice PPs have given. Makes me want to seek counseling and figure out my love languages as well. May I ask, have you joined finances? The monetary aspects of moving in together and being newlyweds can take some time to adjust. Is this a point of conflict?

I'm definitely the pursuer and he's the withdrawer. It's hard for me to back off when things aren't resolved, because it all feels like wasted time to me. I just want things to be normal again.

My daughter doesn't witness the fighting because it's when she's asleep, but I'm sure she senses the tension in the morning.

@BadgerBride, I don't feel like resolution is ever reached and he has slept on the couch a couple of times. When I try to bring it up again when we're calm, it spirals out of control. I own my contribution to the fighting but I don't feel like he sees his destructive patterns.

His family is very quiet, easy going, seemingly no conflict. I feel like he believes that the only good marriage is one that never argues but that's not realistic. We talked about it before getting married and I thought we were on the same page. When we fight, I am calm and I'm focused on finding resolution, but he runs in circles with non-productive passive aggression and extreme comments sometimes. I'm sure some of what I say comes out the wrong way because he's said that just because I'm polite doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but he isn't specific about what I'm doing, so it's frustrating for me because I'm genuinely open to his feedback and really want resolution. It's just so tough and I didn't see this coming.

I normally would be of the opinion that living together first is best, but the last long term relationship I had (the only other guy my daughter has met after her dad) realized three months after we moved in together, that he didn't want to be limited in not being able to relocate (I need to stay put so my daughter can be near her dad) and we talked about it beforehand. But he changed his mind, so we broke up and it devastated my daughter. So I decided I wouldn't live with anyone before marriage again.

I've never thought counseling was a bad thing and definitely all for it. I meant the vows I made and am committed to them, but just a bit shell-shocked at what's happening.

That's why being together for a good amount of time and living together beforehand it such a great idea buuuuut now you're married and so you have to try and fix it. Go to counseling! A lot of the time someone in the fight always has to be right, eliminate that and things will be easier. I know I'm one that always has to be right so once I started letting the stupid crap go, even if I knew my way was actually right it didn't really matter in the end. But learn some communication skills and how to fight fair and you guys will be fine

@LastJuneBride, our finances have been combined but not a conflict at all. We're on the same page financially.

Protecting your daughter is a strong argument for waiting until marriage. How long did you date before the wedding?

Not long, seven months.

I was adamant about pre-marital counseling because I don't want to get divorced again and we talked a lot about how to be a team, how to resolve conflict, we read the Love Languages book, and went to pre-marital counseling.

My husband has never been married, no kids, never lived with anyone... I feel like even though we talked about the reality of challenges in a lifelong relationship, maybe he only understood it in theory.

He's a really good man and I believe we'll be okay, but it astounds me how rapidly things got tense. It takes about a day for us to get fully connected again and be normal, loving, affectionate, and talkative, but the time between is like someone took a razor blade to my heart and then dropped it in a blender with ice and lemon juice. I'm deeply sensitive and I overthink and he withdraws, so it's a challenging combination. We have to figure it out and I believe we will, but holy camoly.

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I appreciate it.

Julie, don't believe she doesn't hear the conflict because you think she's asleep. The worst time for children can be when their parents think they're asleep. You can even go in and check on her and she'll look asleep, but children, like all human beings, are roused from sleep when trouble is outside the door. Take it from a voice of experience.

For the sake of your daughter -- a little girl who is at a critical stage of her lifelong development -- get to a qualified therapist and do your work far away from her.

ETA: And, OMG, Elizabeth (or whomever). Consider yourself flagged.

@Sass- yes! I'm the pursuer, she is the withdrawer.

@Op- I'm super sensitive too. She will just close herself off. Frustrates me and it hurts. I get it.

Yeah, counseling. Lots of it.

This has less to do with you just moving in together, and more to do with a short time between meeting and marrying.

I would literally never advise a person to marry until they were WELL out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship, which ends between 18-24 months in.

During that period, you tend to gloss over the other person's faults, to the point of idealizing them. When confronted with reality, like now, your idealized version (fun, loving, supportive) and the actual version don't mesh, and you start arguing much like you are. Add in the pursuer/withdrawer models, and you e got a recipe for nasty fights and very high tempers.

I would tell you to slow way down but...you're already married, and worse, you have an outside child in the mix. Counseling, individually for yourselves, for your child, as a couple, and for the family. Such a quick progression is really hard for such a young kid: expect some after effects there, too.

What are you guys fighting about? Asking because I don't think FH and I have ever had a living-together related fight. And we're still in the "honeymoon phase" from getting engaged so we haven't had anything close to a fight.

Are the fights about things around the house or just general things?

I totally endorse what Sass said. I just hit the two month married mark, and while yes we have fought, it's not any more or any different than before we were married. Look into counseling for sure.

I also think it's important to realize that some fighting is normal and can be healthy. The more you expect perfection, the farther away you'll get from it because you will only continue to be let down. Maybe revisit your expectations for marriage?

I think it is a big part of not living together before this... also it takes awhile to truly get to know another person. I don't know how long you dated but it sounds like you two weren't done learning about each other and now you threw yourselves into a home together where you're forced to learn.

When my FH moved in we did fight more but that was because I liked how I had been living (organizing, food, etc) and he didn't really care and just did his thing. It took a lot of communication on both sides and now living together is great.

I think counseling will be your best choice if you aren't able to work together to solve the problems.

I lived with my husband for over 2 years and bought a house right before we got married. We fought over the stress of selling our TH, buying a new house and the wedding itself but now that we are married and settled in our home, we don't fight. This is why I agree with PP's about living together before married. Definitely continue the counseling but it will take time to adjust to the way you both operate and you'll learn things about each other that you hate but will have to tolerate. You will need to communicate and compromise within reason.

1.) I cosign what Sass said- there are definitely ways to fight and fight fair on clear terms.

2.) I'd also like to know what you are fighting about.

I remember when we were dating- we got into some spats about stuff- and it wasn't about "the stuff"- the fact I don't put my laundry away- or whatever.

The REAL issue was "I put a lot of effort into making sure my house is clean when you come- and you do nothing for me when I come down"

It made him feel like I didn't care about him. So sussing out what the real issue is is important.

Also- I'd recommend "you're not listening to what I'm saying" by Deborah Tanner/Tanning?- available on Amazon or probably your local bookstore. She has several books on communication and also gender based communication (how we are raised traditional- and what society sort of has grown us up to be- example- men are more likely to fight w/ their issue- women are more likely to socially ostracize someone from a circle to punish her). Granted- take with a grain of salt- they are older books so the whole women vs men thing is a little fuzzy as it's an older set- but there IS truth about communication- keep in mind it's a generalization- and all generalizations are just that (like me- I'm more aggressive- likely to hash it out than socially ostracize someone- but I understand now why some women DO do what they do)

But it does give you some reference how some people can think.

Communication and expectation management are key.

I have found my biggest issues with hubs are when my expectations were not clearly communicated and it set up failure from the start.