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Dedicated January 2017

Newlywed Fighting

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Julie, on January 26, 2017 at 11:23 PM

My husband and I didn't live together before getting married and I have a seven year old daughter from a previous marriage. We've been married just over three weeks (and quite honestly didn't date long before getting married), and we have been fighting horribly and often. The issues that spark the...

My husband and I didn't live together before getting married and I have a seven year old daughter from a previous marriage.

We've been married just over three weeks (and quite honestly didn't date long before getting married), and we have been fighting horribly and often. The issues that spark the fights seem tiny but the way we fight is horrendous. We went to a few premarital counseling sessions before getting married and planned on continuing afterwards.

Outside of poor fighting, our relationship is easy, fun, supportive, and kind. But it's like we're a different couple when we fight.

I know they say the first year of marriage is the hardest, but is this normal?

We have another appointment with our counselor on Saturday but I'm just curious about other people's situations. Maybe it's because we didn't live together before?

I feel lost and I am beside myself that we are struggling so quickly.

Your thoughtful advice or insight is appreciated.

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42 Comments

Master June 2017
Anne · on January 27, 2017 at 8:45 PM
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Julie, I love your point about cleaning up the milk that spilled. You seem very mature, but being a mom of a 7 year old does that to you. I wish you the best of luck. Your H is going to need you to guide him and to help him learn to be a better communicator. Counseling for you or both of you is key. I was married for 18 years before and it took me going to counseling for the last 3 plus years for me to learn the role I had in the demise of my marriage even though XH cheated on me and ultimately left me for his mistress. Before he left he and I rarely fought but when we did it was so childish and ugly and he was extremely passive aggressive and I was super sensitive and took everything personally. It took until I was in my 40's to learn about boundaries.
Best to you and your daughter. You have an incredible attitude and hopefully that will rub off on your H.
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Dedicated January 2017
Julie · on January 28, 2017 at 10:44 AM
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@AKCouple, thank you for the insight and thoughtful suggestions. I definitely think it has to start with me in how I respond, listen, etc. Someone told me about a book called "Love and Respect" that discusses how women need love (not exclusively) and men need respect. It's a cycle that when men feel respected, they show love. In my moments of insecurity or frustration, I think it has undermined him feeling respected, so he shuts down. I just have to figure out how to express the inevitable moments when this arises, because it will. And hopefully, he realizes that conflict is natural but what matters is how you resolve it. Thanks again.
@Anne, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your ex-husband. I'm sure it was devastating. It says a lot about your character to evaluate your role in a situation like that. That's not easy. I'm very sensitive too and I'm still working on that but, as you mentioned, there are boundaries that need to be managed and balanced too. I really appreciate your well-wishes.
Just a quick update, yesterday he genuinely apologized for being a "jerk" (his words) and said he loved me so much and only wants the best for us. It was really sweet. I gave it a break last night because I think we needed a night to just enjoy each other's company but today, we definitely need to talk about how to fight and hopefully he'll feel warmed up enough to come to counseling with me.
Anyway, thank you all again so much. Your insights and opinions were extremely helpful to me.
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